Birds of a Feather
by LouBlue
Summary: EJami fic. This is the forth installment in a series that begins with "Patience is a Virtue..." This story continues to follow the lives and loves of not only EJ and Sami but the people in their lives as they make a life together.
1. Chapter 1

**AUTHOR'S NOTE****: **Hello all, I know it has taken me a little while but here is the beginning of the 4th instalment of the "Patience is a Virtue..." story. So please don't read this if you haven't already read "Patience is a Virtue...", "Every Cloud..." and "Wild Horses..." or it won't make any sense. I'm not sure it will after you've read it either but see how you go. LOL

We pick up the story where we left off in "Wild Horses...", after the wedding that finally happened. Sami still has to have her anaemia investigated and keeping her health concerns from EJ. The house is still full of a variety animals and Joseph is still recovering from what will forever be known as the Santa Incident in the DiMansion.

I've only written a few of these chapters so far but will endeavour to update routinely as we go along to keep the flow up. I haven't written this story for over 18 months after stopping at chapter 12 so it may take me a bit to get back in the rhythm but hopefully it won't be that noticeable to you all.

Hope you enjoy as we revisit some old friends...

**Birds Of A Feather****…**

**Chapter ONE**** – ****It's Not Only Hope That Floats**

Sami groggily rolled over in bed and reached out a hand to feel for her husband's warm body lying beside her but found the space he normally occupied to be empty. She forced open her eyes and blinked a couple of times, trying to wake up properly.

"EJ?" she croaked, her voice still constricted from a heavy sleep.

Sami turned her head and looked at the clock beside her bed and then gave a gasp of horror at seeing the time. It was already way past ten o'clock and she couldn't remember the last time she'd slept that late. It was certainly a long time before the twins were born. She was about to jump out of bed and check on her children when she finally noticed that there was a tray of food on the table beside the bed as well with a note propped up against a single rose in a vase. Sami smiled and picked up the note.

_Good morning my darling, _

_A little something for my sleeping beauty when she awakens. I expect it all to be eaten; you need to keep your strength up. Take your time; everything is well in hand,_

_EJ_

"Oh sweet," sighed Sami, looking over the tray which had various fruits and a couple of croissants on it along with a teapot which when she put a hand on it she found the tea was still warm inside.

Sami munched her way through the food EJ had put out for her finding that the nagging nauseous feeling she'd woken up with quickly dissipated with the more she ate. After finishing her breakfast Sami got out of bed, showered and dressed before going downstairs to be with her family. She walked down the stairs and came to a halt in the foyer, leaning against the door frame that led into the living room and taking in the scene in front of her.

EJ was sitting on the floor with the twins while John was in his favourite chair reading his usual newspaper. Johnny was industriously building a rather wonky tower with his blocks while Ali was standing on EJ's lap, her little arm around his neck as she leant into him with the trust only a child could have. She was telling EJ a long, animated story which EJ was listening to intently, nodding and seeming to be taking it all in as he made the appropriate noises of agreement during Ali's story telling. It was such a sweet scene and Sami felt her eyes mist up at the sight. Her newly discovered pregnancy was making Sami overly emotional anyway but seeing EJ with their children always bought a lump to Sami's throat.

She put her hand down and rested it against her still flat stomach, hardly able to believe that it was only yesterday at their wedding that she'd found out that she was even pregnant again. Sami found herself already totally in love with the child growing inside of her and she was so excited about the prospect of being able to share this pregnancy with EJ. Everything was going to be so different this time round and Sami couldn't wait. She watched the happy little scene in front of her, remembering her promise to Lexie to see a doctor today about her anaemia and grimaced. She knew she should tell EJ about it but it just about broke her heart to think of him worrying over her. Watching her little family playing together so contentedly she was loath to bring a cloud over it. Sami made an impulsive decision to keep the information about her doctor's visit today to herself and if anything came out of it then she'd tell EJ. There was no need to worry him unnecessarily when it was most likely going to be nothing anyway.

"You're humouring her and she doesn't like it," announced John with a note of censure in his voice to EJ, looking over the top of his newspaper, "You should listen to her seriously."

"She's talking baby talk Uncle John," said with a roll of his eyes at the other man and then a playful wink at Ali, "She's talking gibberish. Ali just wants to know I'm interested."

"Oh so it's baby talk just because you don't understand it?" John posed the question, "Is that right?"

"Well yes that and the fact she's a baby," said EJ wryly, "No one understands what they are saying at this stage apart from a couple of words here and there. I know she's telling me something about Roger but the rest was unintelligible."

"Says you," sniffed John, "She was telling you about Roger taking one of the kittens up his favourite tree to have a look around."

"Uncle John you can't possibly expect me to believe that you can understand what Ali was saying just then," said EJ in exasperation.

"Girl baby," said John, addressing Ali, "Where you telling your father about Roger, the kitten and the tree just then?"

Ali vigorously nodded her head and EJ looked at John in annoyance.

"Oh please Uncle," snorted EJ in disbelief, "She's a baby. Ali would have agreed to anything you asked her."

To prove his point EJ addressed Ali.

"Sweetheart," he said, "Were you telling Daddy that Roger looked cute in his little bow tie at the wedding?"

Ali shook her head at him to which EJ looked over at John who was looking at him smugly.

"That was just a fluke," protested EJ.

"Don't get all huffy just because you can't understand your kids and I can," shrugged John.

"Dooda bab a bob donge," Johnny suddenly announced, standing up from where he'd been stacking his blocks.

"Alright baby whisperer," said EJ challengingly, "What did Johnny just say then if you're so brilliant?"

"He's looking for his orange block to finish off the leaning tower of hamburger there," said John evenly, not missing a beat.

"First of all it's the leaning tower of _Piza_," said EJ wryly, "And second of all he is not looking for his orange block."

EJ picked up a red block and handed it to Johnny who shook his head at him. EJ then picked up a green one and then a blue but they were both rejected as well. Finally EJ reached for the orange block that was on the other side of where he was sitting and hidden from Johnny's view and offered the orange block to the baby. Johnny's face lit up and he made a grab for the block, making a happy noise as he did.

"It must be hard for you being proven wrong so often," observed John smugly, "But I guess you must just get used to it after awhile."

"There is no way you can possibly know what the children are saying!" protested EJ heatedly while still looking a little taken aback by this development, "It's simply impossible Uncle John."

"All evidence to the contrary," said John mockingly as he went back to his paper, "You should learn to be more open minded about things – you might actually learn a thing or two."

"Really?" asked EJ sceptically, "I could learn something from the man I just watched eat another candle earlier today?"

"It was a lemon scented one," said John happily, looking back over the top of his paper again, "Tangy... yummy."

Sami smiled as she listened in on the conversation. Turns out they were a lot more fun to watch than be involved in as she enjoyed seeing EJ try to reason with a man who walked to the beat of his own drum... or boogied to the shake of his own maracas as it were.

"Eating all that wax can't be healthy Uncle," protested EJ, wrinkling his nose.

"It it's not good for you then why do they make it taste so great?" reasoned John, "It makes no sense."

"I'm sure if it does taste good it is purely unintentional Uncle John," said EJ in exasperation.

"You speak with great authority about things that I don't think you know all that much about," commented John, narrowing his eyes at him, "Why don't you try it for yourself and then make an informed decision?"

"You want me to eat a candle?" asked EJ, arching an eyebrow at him in disbelief.

"I bet you'll start with one and then find you can't stop yourself," said John knowingly.

"I find that highly unlikely," said EJ dryly, smiling at Johnny and nodding approvingly as he proudly showed off his stack of blocks to his Daddy, "That is one fantastic tower you've got there my boy, very impressive."

Johnny grinned and then promptly knocked them down, to which his sister clapped her hands, highly entertained by the show.

"And besides there is the entertainment value of it," continued on John.

"What's entertaining about eating a candle?" asked EJ in bewilderment.

"It makes your poop float," volunteered John cheerfully.

"Mama mama!"

Johnny had just spied Sami and called out to her excitedly and then Ali joined in as they both rushed over to her as she walked into the room.

"Oh dear god thank you!" exclaimed EJ, lifting his hands to the heavens and then looking over at Sami with a big smile of relief on his face, "You just saved me from a fate worse than death sweetheart."

"I heard," said Sami in amusement, crouching down so she could cuddle both twins, "Floating poop."

"Oh please," snorted John, "You two do nothing but talk about poop all day. Check Johnny's diapers for one, sniff Ali's butt, they must be about due for another one. You two are doyens of doodie!"

"They're babies John," said Sami with a little laugh, not finding herself sucked into his crazy today for some reason, "It's not weird to talk about baby poo but it's weird when an adult does it."

"Again with the arbitrary rules," said John with a roll of his eyes, "If it's cute when Boy Baby points to his pants and says 'poo poo' then I don't see why it's any less cute when I do it!"

"It just is," said EJ as he and Sami shared a long suffering amused look, "Trust us Uncle John."

"So what did I miss?" asked Eric brightly, walking into the living room and munching on an apple.

"Don't!" said EJ, holding up an imperious finger to John as he opened his mouth to reply, "Don't even think about it!"

"Oh dang," pouted Eric, taking in the look on EJ and Sami's faces, "It looks like I missed a John special."

"You missed nothing, trust me," said EJ wryly.

He looked over at Sami then and smiled warmly.

"Hello my darling girl," he said adoringly, leaning over to kiss her good morning, "Did you enjoy your sleep in?"

"I was dead to the world," said Sami, returning his lingering kiss, "But you shouldn't have let me sleep so late."

"Nonsense," said EJ breezily, "You obviously needed it and I have everything under control."

He stopped then and sent John a wry look.

"Well I did up until about five minutes ago," he admitted ruefully, "Then things kind of went to pot."

"Or potty as the case may be," said Sami teasingly and the two laughed at that, the twins joining in because they always enjoyed a good laugh.

"So what's on the agenda for Boxing Day?" asked Eric with interest.

"I was going to go and check out the sales," said Sami casually.

"You want to go shopping sweetheart?" laughed EJ, "I thought you might want to rest after all the events of the last couple of days."

"Oh I thought I'd just have a quick look around," she said, feeling terribly guilty at lying to EJ, "I won't be gone long."

"That's fine darling," said EJ easily, obviously taking her words at face value, "Whatever you want to do."

**...****...**

Sami walked out of the exam room, picking at the plaster on her arm after having her blood taken.

"You should leave that on for a bit otherwise it might start bleeding again," said a voice behind her.

Sami turned around and smiled at Lexie.

"It's itchy," she complained, making a face.

"Well then take it off if you must," said Lexie indulgently, "I'm just glad to see you're here. How did the exam go?"

"Alright I think," said Sami with a bit of a sigh, "The doctor's going to ring me tomorrow with the results."

"That's good Sami," said Lexie encouragingly, "At least then we'll know what we are dealing with."

"Yeah I suppose," said Sami, not looking completely convinced.

"And what does EJ say about all this?" asked Lexie.

"EJ?" hedged Sami.

"You have told him about your health concerns haven't you Sami?" asked Lexie with a note of censure in her voice, "He loves you; he would want to know if there was something potentially wrong with you."

"Of course I told him," said Sami brightly.

"Really?" asked Lexie sceptically.

"I said I'd come here and get checked out on Boxing day and I did," said Sami firmly, "And I said I'd tell EJ and I did."

Again Sami felt bad for lying but she really was going to tell EJ tomorrow once she got the news, good or bad so in twenty four hours it wouldn't be a lie Sami reasoned.

"I'm glad," smiled Lexie, putting a friendly hand on her arm, "That is what being married is all about, being able to support one another in times like these."

"Yes it is," said Sami, determinedly returning her smile, "Yes it is."

**...****...**

Sami returned home to find the living room filled with shopping bags and boxes from just about every department store in Salem. She stopped short and surveyed the carnage, looking at Eric and EJ in amusement.

"Did Macy's explode in here?" she asked them with a little laugh.

"No Joe did," grinned Eric, "He came by after shopping till he dropped at the sales and now he's treating us to a sneak peak at it all. Kind of a Victoria's Secret fashion parade but it's more of a Victor's secret really. He said he needed some retail therapy to get over the Santa trauma from yesterday."

"Ohh," said Sami happily, going to sit on EJ's lap as he sat in the arm chair and waited for Joseph to emerge from the kitchen where he was changing into his latest ensemble, "That sounds like fun."

"_Hello my blonde kitten!" called out Joseph from the kitchen, having heard her voice, "You look fabulous today!"_

Sami giggled at that.

"You can't even see me Joe," she pointed out in amusement.

"_An educated guess sweetie," he sang back, "You always look breath taking."_

"Here, here," said EJ, stealing a kiss from her and looking up at Sami lovingly as she sat on his lap.

"_Are you ready?" called out Joseph._

"Apparently Joseph bought his first pair of leather pants today," said EJ with a quirk of his lips, "I'm not sure we'll ever be ready for that."

And then more loudly to the other man.

"We're waiting with bated breath Joseph!" he called out.

Joseph sashayed out then in black leather pants and tightly fitting ruby red shirt, walking up and down the imaginary cat walk and working it for all he was worth to suitably deferential comments by everyone.

"Wow Joe," said Eric, sounding very impressed along with everyone else's general agreements that he could in fact pull leather off, "You're ass looks great in that, and you've really been working out lately haven't you? What is that, a lot of time on the stair master?"

Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing and stared at Eric with varying degrees of amusement and interest.

"Judging by the expressions on everyone's faces I said that out loud rather than just thinking it didn't I?" said Eric ruefully, looking a little embarrassed, "I guess that kind of screws over my very manly image I've had going on."

"Not really Boo but any time you'd like some real screwing over of your manliness then you've got my number," cooed Joseph giving him a sexy look and impish wink.

"Ah tempting but I still like something breastier in the people I get romantically involved with," said Eric with a laugh.

"And yet you slept with Nicole," said Sami sweetly, "The woman who puts her chest on backwards."

"Okay sis," said Eric with a roll of his eyes at her dig, "We've got enough cats in this house as it is, let it be will you?"

"I will if you will," countered Sami with a sniff, "Please tell me you're not going to see that scarecrow again."

"Sweetheart we've talked about this," said EJ mildly, "Eric is a grown man and can seem whomever he pleases."

"And I'm his sister and that gives me the God given right to interfere in his life," said Sami roundly, "And I'm going to exercise that right as often as I want when I see you making a terrible mistake. I have this recurring nightmare that I'm going to be stuck with seeing Nicole's botoxed horror story of a face at every family gather now and for the rest of my life!"

"You're being overly dramatic Sami," said Eric with an indulgent shake of his head, "I can promise you, Nicole and I have made no such long term plans."

"Good," huffed Sami, "Because it wasn't going to be pretty if you had let me tell you."

"Nobody is paying attention to me!" wailed Joseph and pouted, "Everyone is meant to be looking at me and my ass loving leather pants!"

"Sorry Joe," apologised Sami with a grin, "You look great. Why don't you show us what else you bought?"

"We could do a show together," said Joseph happily, clapping his hands together, "The boys said you've been shopping. What did you buy kitten?"

"I... ahh... I didn't find anything I liked," said Sami with a little shrug, feeling very bad for lying but this didn't seem the time or the place to let on about her medical concerns somehow.

"Ohh shame," said Joseph, scrunching up his face in sympathy.

"It's okay," smiled Sami, "I'll enjoy your shopping instead, so what's next?"

"Next is a scuba suit!" announced Joseph in delight.

"I didn't know you did scuba diving Joseph," said EJ with interest.

"I don't," he admitted happily, "But it was on sale and I say you can never have enough rubber in your closet."

With that he turned on his heel and headed back into the kitchen.

"Let's all make a pact," suggested Eric straight faced, "None of us ever ask why that is – okay?"

Sami and EJ nodded, agreeing that was a very good idea. Sami snuggled into EJ then, adoring the feeling of his arms around her and tried to put out of her mind what tomorrow might bring. She just wanted to enjoy spending time with the people she loved and not think past that.

"I love you," she whispered to EJ as they waited for Joseph to change into his wet suit.

"I love you too Samantha," EJ whispered back.

"_I'm going to need some help pouring myself into this puppy!" called out Joseph, "I'm bulging in the most unexpected places!"_

"YOU!" said EJ and Eric in perfect unison, pointing a finger at each other and both looking suitably afraid which only made Sami giggle again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter TWO**** – ****Loose Lips Sink Ships**

"The twins were full of beans today," commented Sami as she and EJ walked into the bathroom together.

"I think they are still on a post Christmas high," said EJ with a smile, "And I think that Joseph's fashion parade stirred them up a little too."

The twins had woken up half way through it all and had joined the adults in watching Joseph's little fashion turn. They had been extremely enthusiastic supporters of all the outfits, clapping madly every time Joseph walked back in the room with a new outfit much to Joseph's delight and everyone else's amusement.

"I think what they really enjoyed was all the boxes and bags all of Joe's stuff came in," said Sami with a laugh as she started to get undressed.

"That did seem like the highlight for them," laughed EJ, following suite.

EJ came up behind Sami and pressed a kiss to her now bare neck.

"So shall we conserve some water tonight Mrs DiMera do you think?" he asked her huskily, his lips brushing her skin and making Sami shudder.

"I think that would be very water wise of us Mr DiMera," she said with a little smile, leaning back against him and already feeling the stir of his arousal behind her.

Seconds later they were both naked and stepping into the shower together, lathering each other up with the coconut scented bath wash that they'd somehow managed to stop John from finding and eating.

"I think that's as soapy as they are going to get EJ," giggled Sami, looking down at where EJ was having a particularly good time with her breasts, his large hands just managing to contain their fullness.

"I like to be thorough," said EJ straight faced.

"Is that what the kids are calling it these days?" she teased him with a laugh.

"It's what this kid is calling it," he said with an answering grin, rubbing his thumbs back and forth across her hardening nipples.

"Mm," sighed Sami happily, closing her eyes and enjoying his touch, "I have always enjoyed your thoroughness EJ."

EJ grinned to hear that, moving closer to Sami, there water and soap slick bodies sliding easily over each other and she could feel EJ's manhood pressing against her stomach now, at full attention.

"I love how easy you are," she purred, wrapping both her hands his straining member and beginning to pump up and down slowly.

EJ gave a little groan at her ministrations, his hands tightening on Sami's breasts as she encouraged him into even greater hardness.

"I'll have you know I can play hard to get with the best of them," said EJ unevenly, opening his eyes and smiling playfully down at her.

"_Extremely_ hard by the feel of this Mr DiMera," she teased him back, tightening her hold on him and making EJ give a strangled moan, "Impressively hard in fact."

"You have no idea," said EJ, his hands leaving her breasts at last and going to Sami's bottom, cupping it and obviously intent on picking her up so he could have his wicked way with her.

"Oh no you don't," said Sami, managing to break free of his hold and giving him an impish look, "I don't want to get my hair wet."

"I'll be careful," promised EJ, sending her a hungry look and going to drag her back into his arms.

"No you won't be," she sassed him, "You always get carried away in the heat of the moment. We'll finish our shower and then I'm all yours to do with what you will EJ."

"I'm done!" announced EJ, clearly excited at the prospect of making good on that promise and went to turn around to turn off the water.

"Well I'm not," she stalled him, feeling like torturing him a little longer.

"Samantha," groaned EJ in adoring frustration, "I want you."

"And you'll have me," she promised throatily, starting to rub her body up against his again, letting her softness slide over all the sharp planes of his body in a sensual massage, "When I'm done with you."

EJ swallowed a groan as Sami then set about touching every part of his body, using her hands and body to find every single erogenous zone he had and then some. She took her time, biting, lapping and suckling at every inch of flesh she discovered on his body and EJ was nearly ready to start screaming from the frustration of it all, the tension building between them until he was at near fever pitch.

"Stop sweetheart!" he begged her at last, his voice no more than a hoarse groan, "I can't take any more!"

Sami slowly kissed her way up his long, muscled stomach and chest before resting her body against his, her chin on his chest as she craned her neck right back to look up at him.

"Don't you want to play with me anymore EJ?" she pouted prettily for him, enjoying her role as tormentor to his helpless victim.

Sami adored having this kind of command over this powerful man. It got her so wet and ready for him.

"No," he growled, his eyes flaring ravenously down at her.

"Oh well," she said with a mock regretful sigh and took a step back from him then, "I suppose we're done then. Turn off the water big boy."

EJ willingly complied and went to grab for Sami but she was already getting out of the shower recess and gave a grunt of vexation as she continued to toy with him relentlessly, loving Sami like this but beginning to lose all sense of control of himself.

"I was thinking we could towel each other dry and then perhaps a leisurely massage," she offered up with a small smile on her lips, not bothering to turn around to address him, confident EJ would follow her out of the shower.

Sami bent down then; making sure EJ was presented with an exceptionally good view of her backside as she went to pick up a towel that had fallen on the floor. She moved slowly and deliberately, drawing out her titillation of him in an age old dance of seduction. Whilst still in that bent over position Sami continued to egg EJ on.

"And then I thought we could... oooOOHHH!"

Sami's teasing of EJ was cut abruptly short when she felt his hands suddenly grabbing at her hips, holding onto them tightly. The next thing Sami felt was herself being mounted in one hard thrust by EJ. She cried out, the bent over position she was in and the level to which she'd aroused EJ to ensuring that his manhood was a very tight fit inside of her.

"Oh god!" cried out EJ, obviously feeling it too and it was enough to send him completely over the edge, immediately beginning to pound himself desperately into her, unable to hold back any longer.

Sami groaned as the control was suddenly taken from her, the only thing keeping her upright then was EJ as her knees turned to jelly at how fiercely he was taking her. The momentary protests her body had given at being penetrated so unexpectedly were quickly giving way to an enthusiastic response as her walls bore down tightly every time EJ was fully sheathed in her, making them both give pleasured grunts.

EJ strokes were becoming increasingly frantic and Sami reached behind herself blindly to find some way to brace herself and found EJ's legs. She held on to them tightly as EJ plunder her mercilessly, her punishment for teasing him so and Sami was adoring every moment of his revenge on her.

"Oh god EJ!" she cried out loudly, feeling herself beginning to fall over that blessed ledge, "YESSSSS!"

Sami choked out her release for him, revelling at how quickly he could bring her to climax when he was being so dominant like this. Her hips bucked wildly as Sami felt her walls spasming uncontrollably around his hardness.

"Samantha!" he roared and then he thrust particularly hard into her and Sami had the gratifying sensation of him flooding her with his seed as he grunted and strained away inside of her.

All of the strength left Sami's body then and her knees gave way. EJ managed to find a way that they both fell to the ground but he protected Sami from any real impact. They lay there in a heaving heap of tangled limbs, Sami delighting in the feeling of EJ spurting the last of his maleness into her. Even while his body was still servicing hers EJ wrapped his arms around Sami from behind, his hot breath in her ear.

"Was I too rough my darling?" he groaned against her ear, "You drove me utterly insane and I just couldn't stop myself."

"Oh no," Sami breathed happily, "That was just perfect EJ. I loved every second of it."

"Well there is plenty more where that came from," growled EJ, tightening his hold on her possessively and moving inside her a little then, "I want you again Samantha. I want you to make me hard like before so I can take you again."

Just then the sound of Ali's crying came over the baby monitor in the bedroom and they both groaned at the sound.

"It sounds like our daughter wants us more," said Sami in resignation.

"I'll go," said EJ, pressing a kiss to her cheek and reluctantly removing himself from her body.

He stood up on unsteady legs and offered his hand to Sami to help her to her feet as well. EJ pulled her into his arms and kissed her squarely on her lips, his tongue sliding confidently into her mouth and seeking out hers. Ali's cries became even louder and they broke apart regretfully.

"I'll be right back," EJ smiled down at her, stealing one last kiss from her, "Don't lose that lovin' feelin' while I'm gone."

"Impossible," sighed Sami happily as she watched EJ pull on a pair of sweat pants quickly and head out to take care of their daughter.

Sami leant back against the bathroom counter, a very satisfied smile on her face as her body still throbbed pleasurably.

**...****...**

EJ tucked his daughter back into her bed after having calmed her down and pressed a kiss to one soft cheek. He looked over at her twin who was still sleeping soundly, undisturbed by his sister's cries. EJ smiled at his son's ability to sleep through such things and went to tuck him in more securely as well. The thought that he'd been doing this with another little newborn or maybe even more than one made EJ's heart simply swell to overflowing. Until he'd become a parent he'd had no idea that it was possible to love like he loved his children. It was all encompassing for EJ and made him feel like the richest man on the planet to know he had the love of these two simply amazing little creatures. To see their faces light up when he walked into a room was to know what love was and EJ knew he would never stopped being amazed by every little thing that they did. After making sure both children were settled in EJ left them to sleep, padding across the hall to the bedroom he shared with Sami.

"Alright?" asked Sami as he closed the door behind him.

"Ali had just gotten herself all tangled in her sheets and woke up with a fright I think," said EJ with a smile, "She settled back down easily enough."

Sami was in the process of turning back the sheets on the bed after having slipped on a little white satin night dress as EJ watched her with a sudden light in his eyes. He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around Sami, engulfing her much smaller body in his warm embrace.

"I want you naked in my arms tonight," he said huskily into the delicate skin of her neck.

EJ's hands went to the bottom of her night dress and pulled it over Sami's head with no protest from her. He was pleased to note that she hadn't bothered with underwear. Obviously he'd ripped enough from her body in a frenzy for her to realise that they were simply a waste of time. Sami moved out of his arms then, turning around and giving him the temptress smile that had EJ so undone. Without a word she climbed onto the bed and EJ quickly discarded his sweat pants and joined her. Sami lay back on the bed as EJ stretched out beside her, rolling onto his side and looking down at her. He reached out a hand and fanned it out over her stomach, looking at the contrast of his tanned hand against her very pale skin.

"I can't wait until you start to show," said EJ softly.

"Careful what you wish for," said Sami wryly, "I was a walrus with the twins."

"You were the sexiest damn thing I'd ever seen," corrected EJ throatily, his hand beginning to stroke her stomach, "And it took every ounce of will power I had and then some to keep my hands off you."

"Well that isn't going to be a problem this time round," smiled Sami, pleased at EJ's admission.

"No it's not," agreed EJ, moving over the top of her.

Sami immediately spread her legs, hooking her ankles around EJ's calves.

"I believe I was meant to get you hard again?" she asked him with a playful little smile.

EJ rubbed his returning erection against the thatch of soft hairs covering Sami's mound and returned her smile.

"I believe that was the deal," he agreed throatily, still rubbing himself against her.

Sami's hands went to EJ's backside; her nails scrapping over the firm flesh there even as she arched her back, rubbing her sensitised nipples against his chest.

"You'd better enjoy this position while you can mister," she purred up at him, "Soon enough it will be off the menu for awhile."

"Oh I intend to," growled EJ, finding himself hard enough now to penetrate her which he did without hesitation, "I intend to."

They both gave a little gasp as he pushed his way into her, EJ delighting how wet and hot she was for him.

"God but I love coming inside you," grunted EJ unevenly as he began to thrust gently into her, taking his time this round, "It's the best feeling in the world."

"I know," sighed Sami blissfully, adoring the feeling of him sliding in and out of her slowly but determinedly, "Thank god you're such a machine and can do it all night long if I need you to... ohhmmMMmm yesss!"

EJ had rewarded her praise of him with a particularly hard and penetrating thrust, driving himself into her as deeply as he could and holding himself there for a long minute.

"Ooohhh," groaned Sami, her nails sinking into the flesh of EJ's buttock at being treated to such pleasure, arching her back and holding herself to accommodate him better.

EJ dropped his head to Sami's neck and concentrated on keeping himself in control this time, gritting his teeth against the pleasure her body was giving him. He finally began moving again and they both gave choked whimpers at the sensations it caused.

"My girl," said EJ throatily, capturing her mouth in a fierce kiss before proceeding to prove to her that he could indeed go all night long if she needed him to.

**...****...**

EJ stifled a yawn the next day as he attempted to do some paperwork while Sami had taken the twins down into the garden to feed the ever growing menagerie. He had to smile then as he remembered exactly why it was that he was feeling a little tired right then. Sami had certainly put him through his paces last night and he had more than one scar on his body to prove it. His wildcat had been in fine form last night and EJ had adored every heart stopping, muscle spasming minute of it. Sami had called him a machine but she was more than a match for him and EJ marvelled how it was that they'd managed to abstain for a whole month before their wedding. Well they were certainly making up for lost time if the last couple of nights since the wedding were anything to go by. Not that that was a complaint on EJ's behalf of course, not by a long shot. He just prayed he could continue to keep up with her. The door bell sounded and knowing that the rest of the household that was home was down in the garden EJ got up and answered the door.

"Well hello you," he smiled down at his sister, kissing her cheek, "Don't you look lovely today?"

"Thanks," said Lexie with a little laugh, "It's the new coat Abe got me for Christmas. He's got surprisingly good taste."

"Of course he does," said EJ easily, stepping back so she could come inside, "He married my beautiful big sister."

"You're in a good mood," noted Lexie in amusement, stepping into the foyer.

"Gorgeous women do that to me," nodded EJ with an impish wink at her.

"Why do I think that its one gorgeous woman in particular that has got you all perky like that?" asked Lexie knowingly.

"Guilty as charged," EJ grinned.

"Where is everyone?" asked Lexie looking around, "It's strangely quiet."

"The most rambunctious members of the household are out the back," said EJ with a smile.

"So you're enjoying a moments serenity then?" she smiled up at him, "Nice."

"I've got homework to do," EJ grimaced, indicating the pile of papers on the desk by the French doors.

"I know how that feels," sighed Lexie, "I've got the same thing waiting for me at the hospital but I thought I'd swing by here and pick up that electric car Theo left behind on Christmas day. He keeps asking for it and I keep forgetting to come and get it."

"Oh yes," said EJ, going over to where the toy car was sitting out of harm's way up on the shelf above the chimney, "I had to put it away before it got broken."

"Johnny was a bit rough on it hm?" she laughed, accepting the toy off him.

"Actually it was Eric," said EJ wryly to which Lexie gave another laugh.

"So all is well in the DiMera household then?" asked Lexie, looking at EJ with interest.

"Could not be better," said EJ happily, "Life is just beyond perfect at the moment."

"Good," sighed Lexie in relief, "I'm so glad to hear that EJ. So you got the results back did you and it was all clear? I told Sami she was being silly to not tell you about it before now."

EJ frowned at that, looking suddenly worried.

"Results for what?" he asked in concern, "Samantha should have told me what earlier?"

"Oh no," gasped Lexie, her face falling as it became apparent EJ didn't know what she was talking about, "Sami swore to me that she'd told you..."

"Told me what Alexandra?" asked EJ, his voice starting to rise as a sudden fear gripped him, his heart beginning to beat painfully in his chest, "Is there something wrong with Samantha... with our baby? Talk to me Lexie – tell me what's wrong!"

"I... I..." stammered Lexie, knowing she'd really put her foot into it this time as she made a pained face, "I can't EJ, you'll have to ask Sami."

"I'm asking you Lexie," bit out EJ, his fear making it hard for him to soften the request.

"I'm sorry EJ," she said regretfully, "You'll have to ask Sami..."

EJ turned abruptly on his heel, intent on doing just that. He felt like he was going to be sick at this sudden turn of events. The look on his sister's face told him that this was no little thing and the thought that Sami had been keeping what was obviously something very serious from him just caused an almost crippling sense of terror to grip him. EJ couldn't fathom anything being wrong with Sami or their child, it was too much to even contemplate but clearly there was something wrong otherwise Lexie wouldn't be hesitating to talk to him about it. EJ was just about to race down to the garden when Sami with Ali in her arms and Eric with Johnny appeared in the doorway, John and Rolf behind them. The smile of greeting froze on Sami's face when she saw the expression on EJ's face and the apologetic one on Lexie's standing behind him.

"Samantha," said EJ, his voice tense as he kept himself in check but just barely.

"Oh," she said with a sigh, not quite meeting his eye.

"Tell me what is going on right now," he ordered her, knowing that he was handling this badly but right then he was so scared EJ just simply couldn't think straight, "Samantha!"

EJ's whole world stopped then as he waited for Sami to answer him and all the while he died a thousand deaths...


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter THREE**** – ****Ring, Ring, Why Don't You Give Me a Call****?**

No one in the room was talking and Eric realised that this might be a good time to give EJ and Sami some alone time.

"Ah we'll just take the twins into the kitchen," said Eric hastily as he saw the tension between husband and wife.

"But we won't be able to hear what's going on in there properly," protested John with a frown.

"That's the point," grimaced Eric, "Take Ali would you John?"

"I think I should stay," said John firmly, looking between EJ and Sami who weren't saying anything but having an entire conversation with their eyes.

Neither Sami nor EJ reacted to that which made Eric even more worried.

"Something tells me my expertise in these matters might be needed," said John confidently.

"This situation needs you like a tanker full of gasoline needs a match," said Eric flatly, "Come on."

John pulled a face and begrudgingly took Ali from Sami's arms, who still hadn't broken eye contact with EJ yet.

"I should go too," said Lexie quietly, "I'm sorry..."

She trailed off then, not knowing what else there was to say really. It had been an honest mistake but she still felt very badly about it. Finally there was only Sami and EJ left in the room, neither having taken their eyes off each other and waited until everyone had left before speaking again.

"Don't be mad at me EJ," said Sami, looking a little distressed once they were alone.

"I'm not mad Samantha I'm scared out of my mind," said EJ unevenly, moving towards her and pulling her into his arms into a fierce hug.

EJ felt Sami relax into him, returning his hug just as tightly and he never wanted to let her go.

"Come and sit down," said EJ, forcing himself to release her and taking Sami's hand to guide her to the sofa.

They sat down together and Sami turned to face him, a guilty look on her face.

"Talk to me sweetheart," said EJ, cupping her face and looking at her worriedly as he braced himself for whatever this was.

"It's not that big a deal EJ I promise," said Sami quietly, biting on her lower lip nervously, "It's just when we went for our checkups before the wedding…"

"That was over a week ago!" said EJ in horror, "You've known something was wrong and you didn't say anything to me the whole time? Samantha!"

EJ couldn't keep the recrimination out of his voice but it was driven by a very real fear that he might lose her and he just couldn't fathom that possibility.

"They found out I was anaemic EJ," said Sami quickly, "It wasn't that big a deal so I didn't want to worry you with it and I really didn't want to ruin our wedding day. I was going to tell you today, I really was."

"Anaemic?" repeated EJ, feeling a little of his concerns subsiding but still very worried, "Is that all? Isn't that pretty common in women?"

"That's what I said," shrugged Sami, "But Lexie wouldn't leave me alone about it because apparently it was pretty bad…"

"Well thank god for that," said EJ and reminded himself that he owed his sister a big hug and a thank you for pressing the point, "And what do you mean by 'pretty bad' exactly?"

"She threatened me with a blood transfusion to get my haemoglobin up," said Sami, wrinkling her nose at the thought, "But I didn't want bruises for the wedding pictures so I talked her out of it."

Sami put her hand protectively on her stomach then.

"I'm so glad I did now," she said looking relieved, "I don't know what a blood transfusion would have done to the baby."

"Is that baby alright?" fretted EJ, looking down at her hand that was covering her stomach, "Has the anaemia hurt him or her?"

"I went for more tests yesterday and the baby is fine," Sami told him and while looking relieved at that EJ still grimaced making her continue on hastily, "Sorry, I didn't want to lie to you EJ I just wanted to know what I was dealing with first before worrying everyone."

"What _we_ are dealing with Samantha," said EJ, giving her a pointed look, "We are in this together, you and I, we're a team sweetheart. At least I thought we were but here I'm finding out about this huge thing by accident! What if I told you there were complications from my back surgery that I hadn't told you about?"

"There is a problem with you back?" asked Sami anxiously, leaning in towards him, "EJ…"

"My back if fine Samantha," said EJ with a sigh, "I was just trying to point out to you how horrible it is to find out that the person you love has been keeping something so serious as a potentially life threatening medical condition from them."

"People don't die of anaemia," said Sami dismissively and then looked at EJ a little worriedly, "Do they?"

"I have no idea sweetheart which is why you should have gone to be checked out immediately after finding out," said EJ in exasperation, "I can't believe you would gamble with you health like this and now with the baby…"

"I didn't know about the baby EJ," said Sami, her eyes filling with emotional tears, "I would never do anything to put this pregnancy at risk, ever."

"Oh sweetheart," said EJ, instantly regretting having upset her like this, "Come here."

EJ pulled Sami so that she was in his lap and hugged her tightly to him. Sami put her head on his chest and gave a sad little sniffle.

"Samantha I know you would never do anything to harm our child," said EJ softly, kissing her forehead tenderly and then resting his cheek against it, "Don't ever think that but I'm worried that you're not taking care of yourself properly and feel very guilty that I let it happen."

"You didn't let me get anaemia EJ," sighed Sami, snuggling in against him, "It just happened."

"Because I let you run around like a mad woman for the wedding and after you'd barely been out of the hospital for five minutes with your leg and you haven't been eating properly…" EJ trailed off and Sami lifted her head and looked up at him, seeing how upset he was and feeling even worse for keeping the truth from him.

"I'm sorry for not telling you sooner EJ," she said earnestly and hugged him tightly to her, "But you really can't blame yourself, it was all me."

A little smile came to EJ's lips then and Sami gave him a quizzical look.

"What's so funny?" she asked him with a quirk of an eyebrow.

"We are both so desperate to blame ourselves for this," commented EJ wryly and smiled at her.

"Yeah well," said Sami sheepishly, realising what their conversation must have sounded like, "I guess we both get upset when the other one does these days and want to make it right."

"I like that," said EJ huskily, his warm brown eyes on her and Sami felt a tingle wash over her at the way he was looking at her so adoringly, "I love how close we've grown Samantha and I don't want there to be any secrets between us, good or bad. I want you to know that you can come to me about anything sweetheart, in fact I _need_ you to come to me."

"I know," sighed Sami, feeling the same way, "I promise EJ, no more secrets."

"I'm very glad to hear that sweetheart," he said quietly and kissed her then, soft and lingeringly.

"So what happens next?" he asked, breaking the kiss at last.

"They said they'd ring me with my results," said Sami, biting her bottom lip, "Sometime today."

She felt EJ tighten his arms around her, obviously picking up on her nervousness and trying to hide his own.

"So they don't think it is just straightforward anaemia?" he asked her, looking at Sami intently.

"I think Lexie was just wanting to be thorough," mused Sami, "Because it was so bad."

"So what else could be causing it?" asked EJ, not quite able to stop his fretting now, "Could you be bleeding internally? Or maybe some kind of tumour or…"

"EJ!" said Sami sharply, interrupting him and seeing that EJ was getting carried away and upsetting himself so much that he wasn't thinking about what he was saying first, "Honey… if you don't mind, let's not go there until we hear something okay?"

"Sorry," said EJ sheepishly, realising what he'd done, "That wasn't very helpful of me now was it?"

"I love that you care so much," said Sami softly, brushing a stray strand of hair from his forehead and then kissing him.

"It's going to be alright Samantha," he told her, putting as much confidence into his tone as he could muster.

EJ felt as though his whole world was about to crumble at the thought of something being seriously wrong with Sami but he couldn't let her see that. Whatever this was he was determined that they'd see it through together and EJ vowed that he was going to do whatever it took to look after Sami and their unborn child properly until this latest crisis had passed.

"I know," sighed Sami, snuggling into his lap.

They sat there for a long moment, just enjoying the feeling of each other when suddenly the phone rang. They both started and Sami looked up at EJ a little uncertainly.

"I should get that," she said softly and EJ couldn't miss the trepidation in her eyes as she said that.

**...****...**

"I can't hear anything," said Eric with a bit of a frown, pressing his ear up against the kitchen door that led into the living room where they'd left Sami and EJ to it.

"That was my argument for not coming in here in the first place," pointed out John reasonably and shook his head at the babies who were in their high chairs chewing happily on some dried fruit, "When will these kids of mine ever start listening to me?"

Johnny and Ali both nodded in understanding support of their Great's plight.

"Perhaps when you come up with something more worthwhile then your theory that the Statue of Liberty and Elvis Presley are the same person we might," suggested Eric dryly, briefly lifting his ear from the door and looking over at John.

"Have you ever seen them in the same room together?" asked John and arched a pointed eyebrow at him.

"That doesn't prove anything John," said Eric with a roll of his eyes and not even knowing where to start at unravelling that statement.

"It doesn't prove they aren't either," said John knowingly, "And as you are the prosecutor in this case the onions are on you to prove that they aren't."

"The word is onus John," said Eric in exasperation, "Not onions."

John quirked an eyebrow at that but didn't comment.

"EJ looked really upset," worried Eric, going back to his attempted eavesdropping, "It must be something bad."

"My nephew is always upset," said John dismissively, chewing on a dried apricot, "Look at how he flew off the handle this morning at me for no good reason."

"John you were about to launch a peacock off the roof with a kitten strapped to its back," said Eric in exasperation and then looked at John a bit askew.

"Like I said," shrugged John unconcernedly, "You can never tell what will set that one off."

"Why were you doing that again anyway?" asked Eric in bewilderment at John being so unconcerned about the first attempt at an avian/feline flight in history.

"I thought they both might appreciate the change in routine," said John casually.

"Why would you think either would want that?" asked Eric in amazement.

"Don't you get bored with the same thing day in and day out?" asked John calmly.

"Living in this house the problems never comes up," said Eric dryly, "Besides it was a dangerous thing to do John."

"It was perfectly safe," said John straight dismissively, "I had Rolf ready to catch them if anything went wrong. Remember how good he was at breaking that flamingos fall at your party?"

"I don't think catching that flamingo that fell off the chandelier with his face was an actual choice on Rolf's behalf," said Eric, wondering if he'd ever find his way out this insane conversation, "More of an act of gravity and being in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"Do you know what you kids have a problem with?" asked John calmly.

"Making animals airborne that were never meant to be?" asked Eric sweetly.

"You worry too much about the things that you don't need to and not enough about the things you do," said John knowingly.

"I'm sorry John but I'm with EJ on that one," said Eric with a shake of his head, "That was worrying what you were attempting."

"And that is why you kids are in such a mess," said John confidently, "Priorities."

"So what should I be worrying about then?" asked Eric in exasperation.

"Penguins," said John not missing a beat.

"Right," sighed Eric, giving up, "Moving swiftly on then."

"You try and help people," said John with a sigh of his own to the twins to which Johnny patted his hand giving out baby sympathy.

"It has gone awfully quiet out there after the phone rang," commented Eric thoughtfully, abandoning their last conversation for more stable ground, "I wonder if they've kissed and made up."

"Nah," said John confidently, "Have you ever heard those two go for it? A sackful of rabid howler monkeys make less noise when those two play a game of H-I-D-E-T-H-E-S-A-L-A-M-I."

Eric wrinkled his brow and felt like the bewildered look he was currently sporting was never going to leave his face.

"Did you just spell Selma Hayek and if so why?" asked Eric looking confused and not quite paying enough attention to put together what John had spelt.

"No I spelt sex," said John stoically.

"There were way too many letters in that for it to be the word sex," said Eric practically.

"SEX!" announced Ali cheerfully, repeating the new word.

"Ohh," grimaced Eric, "Sami is _not_ going to be thrilled about that."

"SEX!" replied her brother and they both broke into wild cackling, finding this to be very amusing.

"And it gets worse," sighed Eric.

"So what?" asked John thoughtfully, "Do we have to teach them how to spell it now?"

"I think that is a problem for another day," said Eric, returning to his worry over his twin, "I'm going to risk it and see what is up."

John and Eric collected up the twins and walked back into the living room to find EJ and Sami sitting on the sofa together, holding hands.

"See I told you they weren't doing it," said John knowingly as they walked into the room together.

"Sami?" asked Eric uncertainly, ignoring John, "Is everything okay?"

Sami and EJ exchanged looks at that question.

"I'll tell them," said Sami with a half smile at EJ.

"Tell us what?" asked Eric, his concern deepening.

Sami gave a little sigh then.

"I'll start at the beginning..."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter FOUR –Good Intentions**

"So what's going on sis?" asked Eric, a frown on his face as he looked between EJ and Sami worriedly.

"It's not a big deal," began Sami.

"It is a big deal," EJ interrupted her with a censuring look, "Your sister has a very severe anaemia Eric."

"I thought I was going to tell the story?" asked Sami in mild exasperation and looking at EJ.

"You're doing it wrong," said EJ with a pointed look, "This is serious Samantha and you've downplayed it for too long now."

"Okay so what does that mean?" asked Eric, looking at Sami with great concern, "Do you need to go to hospital or something Sami?"

"The hospital just rang me," said Sami calmly, "I went in yesterday for some tests."

"Instead of shopping," Eric figured out quickly, "I thought that was weird that you didn't buy anything."

"I think it is weird that fires move faster uphill than downhill," interjected John stoically.

"Ignore him," advised Eric flatly, "John has got his weirdness set to stun this morning. So what did the hospital have to say about the results exactly?"

"Well they were concerned that there could have been something bad causing the anaemia," said Sami.

"Bad?" queried John with an arched eyebrow, "You mean bad like the chef cooks your steak medium instead of medium rare or bad like any Steven Segal movie ever made?"

"It doesn't matter John," said Sami wryly at John's sliding scale for badness, "Because they didn't find anything. I'm in the clear."

A look of relief flooded over Eric's face at that and with John it was always hard to see a lot of emotion but Sami thought she detected a subtle change.

"You are not in the clear young lady," said EJ firmly, "You still have a dangerously low haemoglobin that has to be addressed."

"But how did that happen?" asked Eric in consternation.

"She's blonde," said John knowingly, "They don't hold their hobgoblins well."

"It's _haemoglobin_ Uncle John," said EJ in exasperation, "And Samantha being blonde has nothing to do with it. She's been running herself ragged with the wedding, not eating properly and it's hardly been any time since she's been out of the hospital so it's not really surprising that she is so anaemic really."

"But part of the reason of why you were attracted to the wild cat in the first place was because she was blonde and that was why there was a wedding to run around and get sick over," reasoned John, not to be outdone, "So when you think about it being blonde was a big cause of her anaemia."

"I'm starting to get worried," said Eric, screwing up his face, "That kind of made sense to me."

He looked at EJ and Sami then in concern.

"That's bad right?" he asked them.

"Can we endeavour to keep this conversation on course please?" asked EJ with a sigh, "The point is that from now on Samantha is going to have to take it much easier so she can regain her strength properly."

"You make me sound like an invalid EJ," frowned Sami, "I don't feel that bad you know."

"That's because you've gotten used to feeling like this," argued EJ determinedly, "And there is only going to be more drain on your body as the baby continues to grow so we have to get you back to health as soon as we can which means you taking if far easier than you have been."

Sami couldn't help but smile at how protective EJ sounded and loved that he wanted to take care of her, even though she couldn't help but feel that he was over reacting somewhat.

"So from now on you'll be eating right, getting plenty of rest and no strenuous activities," said EJ doggedly.

"Does that mean I won't have to be combing ass imprints out of the felt on my pool table for awhile?" asked John stoically.

"John!" said Sami, flushing red at that, looking at the twins nervously where they'd been put down on the floor by John and Eric and were playing happily together with Roger who had wandered in from outside, "Do you mind?"

"I do actually," said John unfazed, "The ass indents make the balls run funny on the table. I lost fifty bucks to Rolf when the ball I was trying to sink hit one of you two's ass divots and did a 180."

"That... interlude was a onetime thing John," began Sami hotly but then EJ gave a little cough and looked at her knowingly and she relented, "Okay, two times..."

EJ coughed again and Sami rolled her eyes.

"It was less than five times John," she said, determined on getting her point across.

"Oh god," groaned Eric looking ill at this new information, "I had my lunch in there the other day."

"Don't sweat it," said John sounding very off hand, "You eat off the kitchen table everyday and that's seen more action than a Jerry Bruickheimer movie. You know there is a reason why we keep running out of ice cream in this place... and I suspect ice cubes."

"Uncle John!" said EJ sharply, seeing the look of growing displeasure on Sami's face and obviously conscious of the twins presence as well as he chose his words carefully, "Samantha and mine's private romantic life is just that, private, if you please!"

"Private in the way a three ring circus is private," said John flatly.

"It doesn't matter anyway," said EJ tightly, "Because Samantha and I will in fact be abstaining until she is fully recovered to answer your less than delicately posed question from earlier."

"Yeah!" said Sami defiantly and then realised what EJ had just said, "Hey wait, what?"

"I think it would be for the best sweetheart," said EJ firmly, "You need to conserve your strength while you're recovering. We have both you and the baby to consider now."

"Don't you think we should discuss this EJ?" asked Sami, giving him a pointed look.

"I think we should postpone everything until you are back on your feet again Samantha," said EJ determinedly, "And that includes our honeymoon."

"What?" squeaked Sami in horror, "EJ no! If we wait too long I'll be a whale when we go to... to... where exactly are we going for our honeymoon anyway? You still haven't told me."

"I'll tell you when you get a clean bill of health Samantha," said EJ stubbornly.

"I think we should discuss this privately EJ," said Sami just as stubbornly.

The twins who were taking turns hugging Roger suddenly decided that they should join in on the conversation and what better way than with their new word.

"Sex," announced Ali happily and her brother giggled.

"Sex!" he repeated triumphantly and Ali began to clap enthusiastically at her brother for that.

EJ and Sami looked in horror at their twins and then slowly turned as one to look at Eric and John.

"It was Rolf," said Eric quickly and gave them a bright, innocent smile to which both EJ and Sami looked decidedly unimpressed.

"And this is why I can't ever put the twins in day care," said Sami in resigned annoyance.

**...****...**

Sami walked out of the bedroom that night and smiled at EJ propped up in bed reading some official looking papers.

"No bringing work to the bedroom EJ," she reminded him and not sounding overly upset, "We made a deal remember?"

"I do," smiled EJ, "I was just going over a few things for Emily. She's coming around the day after next to sign a few things."

"Oh good," said Sami happily, "I so love spending time with her."

"And the feeling is entirely mutual sweetheart," grinned EJ.

"Plus we can work on her taking one of the cats," said Sami hopefully.

"Well we've still got seven to go not including Momma cat and her kittens," said EJ thoughtfully.

"You did so well to find homes for all the others honey," said Sami, climbing into her side of the bed.

"Yes," said EJ, "I was highly motivated. I didn't like the place turning into a cattery with the twins around. At least the rest of the menagerie is more or less outside except for when Smokey decides to go for a wander or lead bemused flamingos into trouble."

"He is a weird one," nodded Sami thoughtfully, "I mean, what was all that about attacking Joe when he was stuck in the chimney anyway?"

"Who knows," sighed EJ, "That peacock marches to the beat of his own drum to be sure."

"At least the rest of them are nice," mused Sami, "Although I don't think Smokey and Harold are getting on. I think there is a bit of competition for Chrissie's attention."

"Chrissie?" asked EJ with a little smile.

"The peahen," said Sami sheepishly, "She's the only girl so she needed a name and seeing as you got her the day before Christmas..."

"Very cute," EJ grinned, "Chrissie it is."

"So," said Sami, snuggling in against EJ as he was half sat up against the bed head, "Alone at last."

"Mm," said EJ and put his arm around her, kissing the top of her head, "Goodnight then."

Sami looked on in amazement as EJ reached over, turned off the bedside table lamp and then started to settle down on the bed.

"What are you doing?" she asked him, bemused.

"I'm going to sleep," said EJ calmly.

Sami frowned then as something occurred to her.

"You weren't really serious about the no sex thing were you?" she asked in disbelief.

"Of course I was," said EJ firmly, "Why else would I have said it sweetheart? Your health and the welfare of our child come first above everything else."

"EJ you're being ridiculous," said Sami with a roll of her eyes, "If you remember we've been having a lot of sex since the wedding and I'm still standing if you haven't noticed?"

"I don't think we should tempt fate Samantha," said EJ determinedly, "Darling it would destroy me if anything happened to you or the baby simply because I let you continue to overdo it."

"But that is crazy EJ," protested Sami, "You make me sound like I'm minutes from death and I'm not. So I get a bit tired, it's not a big deal..."

A sly look came over Sami's face before she continued on.

"Tell you what EJ," she purred, moving closer to him and resting the length of her body against his, "I'll just lie there and you can do all the work, how does that sound?"

"Damn near impossible for you," said EJ with a twitch of his lips, "You've never been exactly passive in our encounters my love."

"Is that a compliant?" pouted Sami prettily.

"More like a prayer of thankfulness," said EJ with a wry grin.

"EJ..." she said breathily, rubbing her body against his.

"No," said EJ most definitely, "No Samantha, I'm doing this for your own good. Clearly I'm going to have to be the bigger person here and do what is best for you and the baby."

"I hate you," grumped Sami, put out at being denied.

"No you don't," said EJ easily, "You love me more than life itself and you know I'm right."

"I know you're insane and annoying," she huffed.

"And you're wilful and stubborn," said EJ blithely, "That's why we are so perfect for one another sweetheart."

"Do I at least get a good night kiss?" she asked him, looking like she was in a mood now.

"Always," smiled EJ.

Sami moved so that most of her body was resting on EJ's and leant down and kissed him as he lay on his back on the bed. He very chastely had his mouth closed but Sami soon wheedled her way past that barrier and the two were tasting each other fully. Sami loved the taste of EJ's kisses' they never failed to make her swoon and couldn't believe that they ever would. The kiss was rapidly getting out of control and Sami felt EJ start to pull away, obviously conscious of letting it get too far and ruin his plans of abstinence but Sami had other ideas. She let him break off the kiss but then began to pepper kisses down EJ's jaw and neck and then onto his chest.

"Samantha," said EJ with a note of censure in his voice but he wasn't exactly pushing her away.

"This is still my good night kiss," said Sami innocently, looking up at him through her lashes as she began to kiss her way down over his chest and to his muscles stomach.

EJ gave a little groan as she moved lower again, hooking her fingers into his boxers and dragging them down his hips to reveal his already stiffening member. He was watching her with rapt attention; clearly unable to bring himself to stop her and Sami felt a surge of female satisfaction that she had so much power over this man. She kissed her way along the length of him while EJ made little whimpering noises before suddenly taking him into her mouth.

"GOD!" cried out EJ, digging his heels into the bed and bucking up as the warmth of her mouth enveloped his now throbbing hardness.

Sami didn't waste any time, already feeling an answering throbbing between her legs and wanting to get EJ as worked up as possible as quickly as she could so that he'd have no choice but to satisfy them both. She began sucking and licking his straining length, feeling him swell relentlessly in her mouth and under her hand. EJ arched his neck, muscles straining as she expertly worked on him, his eyes practically rolling back in his head as she suckled enthusiastically on him.

"Oh god," he gasped shakily and Sami could hear the strain in his voice and knew he was already beginning to lose control and felt a glow of satisfaction that he wanted her so much, "You wicked minx!"

Sami smile to hear his less than convincing complaint but was impatient for more though and knew exactly what to do about it. She could see EJ's hand clutching at the sheets periodically out of the corner of her eye and reached out a hand to take his. She guided it to her breast and EJ found his own way under her satin nightdress, cupping her fullness and immediately squeezing it firmly. His nimble fingers sort out her already hard nipple and began to tug rhythmically on it in time to her sucking, his other hand seeking out her other breast and joining in on the fun. EJ's breathing immediately became extremely forced and laboured as he began to touch her, his breath little more than strained grunting now and Sami knew she had him right where she wanted. There was no way EJ was going to be able to put a stop to this now.

Her core was screaming out to be filled by him and Sami was going to make damn sure that she got what she wanted. She began to deliberately slow her strokes, only teasing his now massive manhood with licks and slow, gentle sucking, not enough to push him over the edge. Sami's tongue flickered at his glistening, purple head, teasing the slit and making EJ's frustrated grunting grow louder. He was pulling and massaging on her breasts more fiercely now, obviously trying to encourage Sami to go harder on him but she just continued on with her maddeningly slow pace until EJ couldn't take it any longer.

With a noise that sounded more animal than human EJ was sitting up and pushing Sami onto her back. Fortunately Sami no longer bothered with the trifles of underwear because if she did they would have been torn from her body like so many others in the past judging by the wild look in EJ's eyes. He went up on his knees and grabbed Sami's legs, pulling her backside in tight to him as he put her legs resting on his shoulders. Sami held her breath as he mounted her in one hard stroke and now it was her turn to arch her back and groan. She never tired of these first moments of their union, it stole her breath each and every time.

There was no finesse, only fevered coupling on EJ's behalf and watching him labour away so intensely inside of her, a look of unbridled hunger on his face was about to make Sami come very hard. He moved slightly inside of her, changing his angle and his next penetration sent Sami screaming over that precipice, wave upon wave of orgasmic pleasure rushing over her, his unleased fierceness with her causing a particularly long release for Sami to enjoy as she thrashed around on the bed. She was still coming when she felt EJ surge on last time into her and choke out her name before the gloriously satisfying feeling of him shooting his seed deep into her.

Her toes curled, linking themselves around EJ's neck as she squeezed as tightly as she could around him and making EJ howl out his gratitude for her before all strength seemed to leave him and he collapsed on the bed beside her, somehow managing to pull out of her at the same time. Sami was a bit disappointed, wanting him to stay inside her for a little longer but it was obvious that EJ simply didn't have the strength to stay in that position after the force of his release so she quickly forgave him, loving how she'd done that to him. EJ managed to haul Sami into his arms with the last of his strength and they held each other as they both slowly regained their senses.

"Wow," sighed Sami contentedly, snuggling into EJ as she teased him, "We should abstain more often honey; that was great."

EJ's answer was a gratified grunt, words obviously too much for him right then.

"Tomorrow," he finally managed to mumble, "We start tomorrow."

"We'll see," said Sami with a little smile against EJ's sweaty chest, "We'll see."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter FIVE – Behind Closed Doors**

EJ was coming slowly awake but even with his eyes closed he felt like someone was watching him. He opened his eyes and blinked a little groggily in the morning light. Sami was propped up beside him, smiling down at him.

"Mornin' big boy," she grinned.

"Hello sweetheart," he returned, his voice still croaky from sleep, "How do you feel?"

"Frisky," said Sami with a wiggle of her eyebrows at him.

"I meant do you feel nauseous?" said EJ with a half smile.

"Nope," she said, "I'm keeping some cracker by my bed to have first thing when I wake up and that seems to be doing the trick."

"That's good," said EJ, happy to think that Sami didn't seem to be having much morning sickness with this pregnancy.

"Soo," she purred, reaching out a hand and running her nails back and forth through EJ's chest hair, "Care to help a lady out with her friskiness Mr DiMera?"

"We're not doing that anymore until you're completely recovered Samantha," said EJ firmly, placing a hand over hers to stop her from moving to anywhere more inflammatory.

"Oh good," said Sami, giving him a sultry look, "I was kind of hoping we could abstain like we did last night."

She moved in to kiss him which EJ allowed but then abruptly broke it off, sitting up in bed.

"What are you doing?" asked Sami, looking puzzled.

"Not you," said EJ determinedly and then grimaced, "Oh god that is something Uncle John would have said."

"Ohh," said Sami, wrinkling her nose, "Way to ruin the mood bringing up John like that."

"Good," said EJ resolutely, "Because I meant what I said last night Samantha."

"What?" said Sami cheekily, "Oh god, oh god, Samantha don't stop?"

"About us starting today with you taking it easy," said EJ firmly.

"Wouldn't you rather I just make it easy for you to take me?" asked Sami with a pout.

"This isn't about what I want Samantha," said EJ with pointed look, "It's about taking care of you properly."

"EJ you're being ridiculous," said Sami in exasperation, "I mean I love that you care and all but seriously, don't you think you are just over doing it on the worry front?"

"Absolutely not," said EJ, "And you are not going to convince me otherwise young lady."

"Is that a challenge EJ?" asked Sami, her eye narrowing warningly.

"Ahh," said EJ hesitantly, seeing the glint in her eyes, "You know, I really shouldn't start these conversations when I'm still half asleep."

**...****...**

EJ had just set up the twins for breakfast and was chatting with Marlena when John and Eric walked into the kitchen.

"There you are," said John with a frown, "You were up early."

"Sorry," said Marlena with a smile, going over to kiss him good morning, "I've got an early appointment booked and I've got to do some prep for it before they arrive."

"I was hoping for another round of the good stuff," pouted John.

"These are things that I just cannot know about you and my Mom John," said Eric, making a distressed face.

"I'm a sex god," said John with a little pleased smile, "Deal with it."

"John Eric doesn't want to hear about our personal life," said Marlena indulgently but there was a little look in her eye that suggested that she certainly thought John was indeed a sex god.

"Why not?" he challenged her, "It's really interesting."

"I'm going to go to work," said Marlena wryly, "Everyone have a good day..."

She stopped by the twins then and gave them both a careful kiss goodbye around the bits of breakfast clinging to their faces.

"Be good my little ones," she smiled down at them as they beamed back up at her.

"Bye bye!" chorused the twins, both waving madly to their Gammy.

Marlena gave a little laugh at that and then left for work, leaving the three men to it.

"So where is the wild cat?" asked John, pouring himself a cup of coffee and taking a seat at the kitchen table.

"She'll be down in a moment," said EJ, "I told her I'd take care of the children and for her to take her time."

"I thought you might have been running behind schedule due to some early morning activities Nephew?" John posed the question casually.

"There were no _activities_ Uncle John," said EJ firmly but then had to relent, "At least not this morning."

To EJ's consternation then John have Eric a self satisfied look at this information and held out his hand to the younger man.

"Oh man," grumbled Eric, reaching for his wallet, pulling out twenty dollars and handing it to John who had his hand patiently extended, "Couldn't you two last at least twenty four hours?"

"Were you two gambling on how long I could hold out?" asked EJ in horror, realising what this was.

"It wasn't a gamble," said John knowingly, pocketing the money, "Trust me. You two are the human equivalents of Paris Hilton and Tommy Lee."

"Paris Hilton and Tommy Lee _are_ human Uncle John," said EJ in exasperation.

"Are they?" asked John with a pointed eyebrow arch, "Are they _really_?"

EJ shook his head at John and then returned to the original conversation.

"Well we're starting from today," said EJ with a scowl.

"Seriously?" asked Eric sceptically, "Because I'm not made of twenties you know EJ?"

"Put me down for thirty six hours," said Rolf, joining in on the conversation now as he walked in from the living room having overheard.

"I've learnt my lesson with Mr. Can't Keep It in His Pants for More Than A Couple of Hours," said Eric, sending EJ a censuring look, "Put me down for sixteen hours."

"Excuse me," said EJ indignantly, "I think this is highly inappropriate and what's more aren't you all forgetting that Samantha and I abstained for an entire month before our wedding?"

"You two barely fell over _that_ line," noted John dispassionately, "And besides, you and the wild cat had agreed upon it together. This time round she's trying to sex you up and I know you Elvis, you'll fold faster than a maid on laundry day once she switches on the charm. You have no willpower around her."

"I resent the implication that I am some sex starved teenager who doesn't have a modicum of self control," said EJ hotly, looking very put out now.

Sami walked into the kitchen then and everyone stopped talking when they saw what she was wearing. The black, above knee length skirt was fitted and showed off every curve and line of Sami's hips and stomach and the split up the side gave tantalising flashes of thigh as she moved. The real show stopper though was the white clinging top she was wearing that dipped very low and showed off large expanses of creamy bosom which were being more than amply supported in a bra that certainly made the most of what she had and then some. EJ swallowed hard at the sight of his gorgeous wife standing there in the doorway with a knowing look on her face and forgot entirely what it was that he'd been saying. Eric grimaced as he took in Sami's outfit and determined expression and EJ's love struck one.

"Is it too late to change my bet to ten hours?" asked Eric hopefully.

**...****...**

Sami and EJ had taken the twins out into the garden for the ritual of feeding the peacocks and the flamingos and Roger had tagged along. He'd become just as proficient at feeding the birds as well and it was very cute to watch the twins and Roger doing just that. Today however EJ was heavily distracted by his wife and her choice of outfits and was finding the whole thing a bit of a strain.

"Oh you dropped some Ali," said Sami of the clump of bird seed that had fallen to the ground.

Sami sent EJ a sideways look to make sure he was watching which of course he was, unable to tear his eyes off Sami since she'd walked into the kitchen earlier that morning. Sami bent down at the waist, moving deliberately slowly and treating EJ to a very good view of her shapely behind as she did. EJ swallowed hard at the erotic sight of his wife's bottom being presented to him so pointedly and felt a cold sweat break out on his forehead as he tried to hang onto his self control.

"Daddy," said Johnny, pulling impatiently at EJ's arm as he was crouched down with Johnny between his legs, "Deed Daddy."

"Sorry honey," said EJ distractedly, realising that Johnny had run out of seed to give the peacocks circled around them and poured some more out into the little boy's cupped hands.

They'd learnt the hard way that simply giving the bag of seed to the twins was a bad idea and usually resulted in the seed being tipped over their own heads.

"Something the matter Daddy?" asked Sami coyly, straightening up and turning around to see EJ's flushed face, "You seem a little distracted all of a sudden."

"That's because you're being distracting Mummy," said with a pointed look at Sami, "Don't you think these tactics are a little below the belt darling?"

"They could be completely below the belt if you'd give me half a chance," purred Sami and gave him a pointed look of her own.

"I'm not giving in Samantha," said EJ determinedly and wished there was more force behind his words when he said that.

"And neither am I," said Sami with an arched eyebrow, "So I just guess we'll have to wait and see who comes out on top..."

Sami slowly licked her lips then and EJ watched, riveted.

"... and who comes out on the bottom," she finished huskily.

"You are a heartless minx Samantha DiMera," said EJ faintly, "I'm doing this for your own good."

"Yeah well I think it would be good if you were doing me," said Sami cheekily.

"Samantha!" exclaimed EJ sounding outraged but secretly enjoying her naughty word plays, "We have small children and a primate present, behave yourself."

"Make me," said Sami playfully and gave him an impish wink.

"No deed Daddy," said Johnny unhappily, pointing to his empty hands.

"I'm out too," said EJ, looking at the empty bag.

"There are more packets in the shed," said Sami, nodding her head in the direction of the little shed further on up the hill, "But it's locked. I've got a key in with my car keys."

"I'll go get them," volunteered EJ, standing up, "Are you right with these two monkeys... sorry Roger, three monkeys?"

Roger gave a knowing little chitting sound at that and nodded on behalf of Sami.

"Hurry back," said Sami throatily.

"Stop it," said EJ less than convincingly which made Sami giggle.

He walked up the short distance to the house and headed out to foyer where everyone threw their keys into the bowl beside the front door. He had a bit of a search round but didn't find the keys he was looking for.

"I can't see them!" he called out to Sami but didn't receive a reply, at least not from her.

"_Try in the pot plant, sometime people miss with the throwing and they end up there."_

EJ stopped what he was doing and looked ahead for a long moment and grimaced.

"Uncle John?" said EJ, attempting to remain very, very calm.

"_Yeah?"_

EJ turned around and faced the closet from where the sound of his uncle's voice was coming from and put his hands on his hips.

"Why are you in the closet?" he asked flatly.

"_It was an emergency."_

"An emergency that required you to stand in a closet?" asked EJ with a roll of his eyes.

"_So it would seem."_

EJ shook his head and looked up at the ceiling, praying for strength.

"Uncle, I really don't have time for your particular brand of quirkiness right now," EJ reached out and grabbed the door knob of the closet and opened the door as he was speaking, "I have… ahh!"

EJ made a strangled noise, slamming the door shut again and stood there blinking madly and no one said anything for a long moment. EJ took several calming breaths and then finally managed to resurrect his ability for semi coherent thought.

"You're naked," EJ announced in quiet resignation to the thankfully closed door of the closet.

"_Yep."_

"You're naked and you're in our hallway closet," said EJ as though if he said it enough those words would suddenly start to make sense.

"_Yep and yep."_

"Right," said EJ, gathering all of his internal fortitude for the ensuing conversation, "And granted, the likelihood that the answer to this question is going to make me feel any better about this but why are you naked and in our hallway closet Uncle John?"

"_I was having a shower and then the door bell rang. No one was answering it so I came downstairs to do it myself."_

"Naked?" asked EJ, clearly in distress at the thought.

"_Of course not - I was wearing a towel - what do you think I am Nephew?"_

"Now I _know_ you don't want me to answer that," said EJ dryly, "So you went to answer the front door in a towel and…"

"_I opened the door and one end of my towel got caught on the door knob and the towel came off me and FYI… from now on I think we're going to have to find another source for our Girl Scout cookies."_

"Oh no!" said EJ in abject horror, putting his hands to his face in despair, "Please don't tell me you've just exposed yourself to poor innocent little girls selling cookies door to door Uncle John, please, I'm begging you!"

"_Unclench Nephew; there were no children… just a couple of den mother type people asking for me to sign a petition."_

"Oh thank god," said EJ, slightly mollified by the fact that no children had been severely traumatised by John but still half expecting a phone call at some point in the day from the Girl Scouts of America's legal representative.

EJ frowned then.

"But why are you in the closet Uncle John?" asked EJ, still confused.

"_I heard you and the wildcat coming in from the garden and knew I didn't have enough time to get upstairs so I figured I'd wait in the closet until you were gone. I know how weird you two are about nudity."_

"Well pardon me if I don't relish the thought of seeing my uncle naked," said EJ with a roll of his eyes.

"_And yet when it comes to mother's in laws it seems to be open season in your book now doesn't it Nephew?"_

"Is no one _ever_ going to get over that unfortunate incident?" asked EJ in vexation.

"EJ did you find the keys?" Sami's voice called out from the patio now.

"Ah still looking sweetheart!" called back EJ, "You stay there though!"

The last thing EJ wanted was for Sami and the twins to walk in and see John in his present state.

"_So you two still managing to keep it in your pants?" asked John conversationally._

"Yes," said EJ in annoyance at the implication that he couldn't, "And I must say it makes it a lot easier now that I've seen you naked."

"_Hey!" said John sounding offended, "I'll have you know that I'm a fine figure of a man and as sexy as hell!"_

"Not to another man Uncle John," ground out EJ, resuming his search for the keys.

"_Joe thinks I'm hot stuff," protested John._

"Joseph is gay," said EJ wryly.

"_Oh what?" said John and now he really did sound put out, "You'd have to be gay to find me attractive all of a sudden?"_

"Yes that is how that works Uncle," said EJ in exasperation, "And I bet it would also be helpful if you weren't related to that person as well."

EJ shook his head in frustration as all his looking didn't reveal the keys to him.

"I give up," he said in annoyance, "I can't find those damn keys anywhere!"

"_That's because I've got them," said John evenly._

"What?" asked EJ in surprise.

"_I found them in wifey's coat pocket," said John calmly._

"Then why didn't you say something Uncle John?" asked EJ with a roll of his eyes.

"_You didn't ask," said John reasonably, "So do you want them or not?"_

Just then the doorbell sounded and EJ went to answer it.

"Stay where you are," EJ instructed him firmly.

"_You're not the boss of me," said John petulantly but to EJ's relief he did as he asked. _

He went over to the door and opened it to see Joseph standing there.

"Hello my darling," he said brightly, "I've just come to check up on my blonde kitten. I heard that she's poorly."

"How did you know?" asked EJ in surprise, stepping back so Joseph could come in.

"Emmy told me," he said easily.

"How did Emily know?" asked EJ in consternation.

"Oh Emmy is all knowing," said Joseph blithely, "Like God or Dick Clark. So where is my kitten, I've got a lot of nurturing in me just bursting to get out."

"I'm sure Samantha will adore that," said EJ with a smile, "But first I have to get my Uncle out of the closet."

"Ohhh!" said Joseph excitedly, clapping his hands together, "It's a job I was born to do! I can't tell you how many uncles, brothers and fathers I've gotten out of the closet in my time."

"_You see Nephew," came John's muffled, "This happens all the time. You made it sound like it was weird."_

Joseph sent EJ a confused look then.

"Is that..?"

"Yes."

"Is he..."

"Yes."

"And why..."

"It's a long story that basically ended with him exposing himself to Girl Scout den mothers," said EJ flatly.

"Exposing himself?" repeated Joseph in amazement.

"He's naked in there," said EJ and gave a little shudder at the memory.

"_I'm naked," called out John, having not heard EJ._

"You know my life seems so very dull and uninteresting in comparison to this household sometimes," mused Joseph thoughtfully.

The phone rang then and EJ grimaced.

"Why do I have a terrible feeling that this phone call is going to be from a representative from the Girl Scout's association?" asked EJ with a heavy sigh.

"You go and answer it Lolly," said Joseph with a wave of his hand, "I'll get Black Bear organised."

"Thanks Joseph," said EJ, walking towards the living room, "We're out in the garden once you've de-naked maned the closet."

"Alright hon," said Joseph and then walked over to the closet and opened it.

"Hey Joe," said John easily, standing there completely naked and looking totally unfazed by that fact.

"And hello to you too big boy..." said Joseph with a knowing smile.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter SIX – Everyone Out of the Pool**

"Men are idiots," announced Sami grumpily as she and Eric sat on the sofa, the children and Roger playing happily on the ground in front of them.

Eric was house hunting and going through the papers and Sami was venting to him while watching the children.

"Any particular reason this time?" he asked absently, circling an apartment that looked reasonable in the paper.

Sami had a very good reason, or at least she thought she did. Last night Sami had been determined to seduce EJ and end this foolish abstinence scheme once and for all. The twins had been a bit fussy last night and EJ had volunteered to settle them. Now Sami didn't know if it had really taken as long as it had to put them to sleep as EJ was gone but all she knew was that she'd fallen asleep in her barely there negligee waiting for him to come back. Even though she continued to protest she was fine Sami had to admit that she did tire easily these days and one moment she'd been rehearsing all the shameless things she was going to visit upon EJ's body and the next she was waking up the next morning, all tucked into bed. EJ was already up and after a chaste kiss on the forehead he'd exited the room pretty damn speedily, obviously not trusting himself around her when she was conscious. All in all it had put Sami in a less than rosy mood that morning.

"EJ being ridiculous about the no sex thing," grumbled Sami, "Why did I have to marry an idiot?"

"Yeah it must be awful for you to have a husband who loves you and wants to take care of you," said Eric dryly, "Sucks to be you alright."

"What is up with you?" asked Sami with an arched eyebrow at Eric's uncharacteristic surly reply.

"Nothing," mumbled Eric, going back to his paper.

"Tell me or I'll hurt you," said Sami, punching his arm.

"Oww!" complained Eric, rubbing his arm where she'd let fly, "Easy."

"That was just a warning shot," said Sami giving him a pointed look, "Fess up or it is no bikinis for you this summer!"

"I'm guessing it was gentle, lady like qualities that most drew EJ to you," said Eric sarcastically.

"I've already got one man holding out on me," said Sami flatly, "Don't you start."

"It's nothing," Eric sighed but still looked unhappy.

"Then it won't take you long to tell me about it," reasoned Sami.

"You're not going to like it," said Eric, throwing her a sideways look.

"As long as it's not about Nicole then... oh," Sami caught the look in Eric's eye at the other woman's name, "Oh... looks like it really is about nothing... less than nothing in my books."

"See this is why I didn't want to say anything," said Eric with a roll of his eyes, "I know you are not Nicole's biggest fan."

"And you shouldn't be either after what she did to you," said Sami crossly, "What's she done now anyway?"

"It's nothing," said Eric again and relented as Sami raised her arm and made a fist, giving him a threatening look, "I rang her to go out today but she couldn't go."

"Isn't Monday's her day for her weekly visit to the VD clinic?" asked Sami straight faced.

"And we are done," said Eric flatly, going back to his paper.

"Alright, alright," grumbled Sami, "I'll behave. Why couldn't Cruella go out with you? Has to meet with her parole officer? Donating her heart because she has no use for it?"

"She's seeing someone else," said Eric tightly.

"Who else would be that stupid?" asked Sami in consternation, "No offence."

"Why would I find you calling me stupid offensive Sami?" asked Eric wryly, "She's going out with Tracy."

"What she's a lesbian now?" asked Sami, "She's run out of men to destroy and now she's moving on to women?"

"Tracy your physiotherapist drama queen," said Eric with a roll of his eyes.

"Oh no!" gasped Sami in horror, "Not Tracy, he's lovely! She'll tear him limb from limb!"

"I'm so glad we've talked," said Eric mockingly, "I can't tell you how much this has helped me."

**...****...**

Sami walked into the indoor pool room still worried over Eric and him being surprised that Nicole was seeing other men. She had no idea why because Sami would have been surprised if she wasn't! She couldn't fathom what the appeal of Nicole was to any man but she'd deal with Nicole later. Right than she had bigger fish to fry and said fish was currently finishing off his laps in the pool. Sami watched EJ's smooth strokes as he swam and gave a little shudder at the sight of his muscles arms cutting a swathe through the water. She had a sharp memory of another time a little while after his surgery on his back coming and visiting EJ in the pool and that had ended very satisfactorily as she recalled. EJ spotted her one his last lap, swimming over to where Sami was standing beside the pool.

"Hi," grinned EJ, looking up at Sami, crossing his arms on the edge of the pool and holding himself up that way.

"Hi," she smiled, "Are you just about done?"

"I'm all done," nodded EJ and then in one lithe movement hauled himself out of the pool and Sami had a chance to admire his toned body as water cascaded down his hard lines and his swimming trunks clung to him, leaving nothing to the imagination.

"So what have you got planned for the rest of the day?" asked Sami innocently, intending to get EJ alone and having her wicked way with him.

"I've got a meeting at four with two ladies from the Girl Scout's Association," EJ grimaced, "I'm hoping to throw oil on those troubled waters before the police have to get involved."

"I can't believe John did that," said Sami with a shake of her head, "What kind of man exposes himself like that?"

"In his defence that wasn't his intent and that will be what I'm going with when I talk with the ladies," said EJ wryly.

"You totally picked the right profession for being in this family didn't you?" asked Sami with a quirk of her lips.

"So it would seem," said EJ with a little laugh, walking over to where his towel was and beginning to dry himself off.

"Well it's only eleven o'clock now," said Sami, following him over and looking up at EJ expectantly, "And I was wondering if you could help me out with a problem I'm having?"

"Of course darling," said EJ easily, turning to face her more fully now, the towel around his neck as he dried this hair, "What is it?"

"It's not so much a problem as a question," said Sami casually.

"Fire away sweetheart," said EJ calmly.

"So do you think my boobs are getting bigger already?" asked Sami, ever so innocently as she looked down at them and then back at EJ expectantly.

She'd chosen another clinging, low cut blouse today that was even more revealing than the one yesterday. Great expanses of her creamy breasts were on display and now Sami leant forward a little, giving EJ a real eyeful.

"What do you think?" asked Sami throatily.

"I... I..." EJ's voice rasped as suddenly he couldn't seem to take his eyes off her breasts and Sami gave an internal little smile at his response.

"You know I don't think you can really judge by eye," she continued on blithely, grabbing EJ's hands and guiding them to her breasts, "I think it requires more of a hands on examination myself."

Sami held EJ's hands to her breast but he didn't really need the encouragement, already beginning to fondle and massage them. Sami felt herself get instantly wet and her nipples pushed hard against the material of her bra and blouse. Something EJ immediately picked up on, his thumbs rubbing roughly back and forth against the buds, encouraging them to bead even more tightly.

"Samantha," groaned EJ distractedly, unable to look away from what his hands were barely managing to contain.

"So what is the verdict?" asked Sami breathlessly, seeing EJ's body already beginning to react through the clinging material of his swimming trunks, "Bigger do you think?"

Before EJ could answer the sound of the front doorbell being rung broke through the sound of both of their uneven breathing.

"Oh thank god!" said EJ faintly, somehow finding the strength to remove his hands from Sami at the interruption, "Shower... I go... now."

With that EJ quickly turned around and headed towards the little cubicle off to one side which was where you rinsed off after your swim and adjoining to it was a changing room. Sami made a frustrated noise as EJ scarpered off, knowing she'd have had him right then if it weren't for the interruption.

"You can run but you can't hide!" she called out after him as he pulled the door shut of the shower cubicle.

"And run I will sweetheart until you're fully fit," said EJ unapologetically, "I'm doing this for your own good!"

Sami scowled at that but as EJ's trunks sailed over the shower cubicle and landed with a squelching sound on the ground by her feet a devilish idea came to her.

"I'll just go and answer the door shall I?" asked Sami, pretending to sound put out.

"Thank you sweetheart," called out EJ, "Rolf is at the shops and who knows where my uncle is."

Sami listened to EJ happily showering, a grin coming over her face. Very quietly she went and collected up his swimming trunks, his towel and the dry clothes he had hanging in the changing room and left him to it. She stashed EJ's clothes in the foyer as she went to open the door.

"Emily!" she said happily at seeing the older woman there, "How good it is to see you."

"You as well dear," smiled Emily, kissing Sami's cheek as she walked in the door.

"EJ said you were coming by today," said Sami, taking her coat, "Just not when."

"I didn't tell him when," said Emily, "I hope this isn't a bad time dear?"

"Not for me," grinned Sami as they walked into the living room.

"Oh now I know that look," smiled Emily indulgently, "What are you up to Samantha?"

"EJ's being unreasonable and I'm just teaching him a lesson," said Sami simply.

"I see," said Emily with an arched eyebrow, "One he's not likely to forget judging by that look in your eye I'd say. Now what has my dear boy done to upset you?"

"It's what he hasn't done that's the problem," grumbled Sami, "EJ's convinced himself that I'm too frail for us to..."

"Indulge in some rumpy pumpy?" offered up Emily calmly.

"Yes," said Sami with a wrinkle of her nose, "He's being ridiculous and I'm not going to stand for it."

"So what exactly have you done my dear?" asked Emily curiously.

"_Samantha!"_

EJ's voice from inside the kitchen pre-empted Sami answering that question. EJ had gotten out of the shower to find all of his clothes and towel were gone. He had no option then but to go into the house and try and find them. The most direct route back into the house was via the kitchen and he'd been hoping that Sami was still around and would give him his clothes back or that he could simply make a break for it and race back to their bedroom.

"Yes EJ?" said Sami innocently.

"_Can I have a word sweetheart?" _

"What about?" asked Sami and then had to put her hand over her mouth to stop herself from giggling.

She and Emily got up and walked over to the door that was between the kitchen and the living room and stood in front of it. The doorbell sounded again before EJ could answer.

"I'll get it," called out John as he walked down the stairs into the foyer.

Sami turned her attention back to her conversation with EJ.

"_You know full well what about young lady, now stop messing about."_

"Why EJ," said Sami breathily, "I have no idea what you are talking about."

"_What did you do with them Samantha?"_

Sami had to put her hand over her mouth again as she winked at Emily. She could hear the murmur of voices in the foyer but couldn't be bothered with finding out who it was; she was having too much fun with EJ.

"Do with what EJ?" asked Sami, still playing dumb.

"_In the cupboard, did you put them in the cupboard?"_

"What?" asked Sami, pretending she didn't hear him.

"_CUPBOARD!" repeated EJ loudly. _

Sami's fun was rudely interrupted then by the sound of a woman's scream and both Emily and she looked at each other wide eyed before pushing open the door and rushing into the kitchen. They came to an abrupt halt at the sight in front of them. EJ was standing by the table, completely naked, a startled look on his face while John was standing in the doorway that led from the foyer passageway into the kitchen and he had two women with him, one with a horrified and disgusted look on her face and one who was looking at EJ with rapt attention.

"Well hello to you too counsellor," smiled Emily, looking at EJ admiringly, "Why do I suddenly feel overdressed for our meeting?"

EJ finally managed to unfreeze and made a grab something to cover himself. Unfortunately being in the kitchen his options were limited and the closest thing on hand was the loaf of bread Rolf had baked before going out. EJ had no choice though and despite his better judgement grabbed for the loaf and held it strategically in front of him. It was a little bit after the horse had bolted but what could he do?

"What are you doing Uncle John?" asked EJ, finding his voice and glaring at John.

"You said come in," protested John, not seeming to be finding any of this strange.

"I said _cupboard_," ground out EJ, edging up more so that his back was against said cupboard, trying to afford himself some more protection from prying eyes.

"Well that's what you get for having that crazy accent," said John unapologetically.

"I like your accent," volunteered the younger of the two women who were standing beside John.

"Don't talk to him Sheri," commanded the older woman authoritatively.

"But I thought we'd come to talk to him Marsha," protested Sheri, not deterred by the other woman's fierceness.

She'd been roped into Marsha's campaign of moral outrage against her better judgement and now she was glad she had. To think, she almost passed up getting to see this Greek god completely in the altogether to pick up the dry cleaning! So her husband might have to wear the same shirt tomorrow as he did today, it was totally worth it Sheri decided.

"Not while he's... he's..."

Obviously it was too much for Marsha to put a word to EJ's current state of undress.

"I don't mind," said Sheri, cheerfully accommodatingly which earned herself a glare from her friend.

"Is this how you conduct all your meetings?" she asked EJ heatedly, her cheeks pink as she looked up at the ceiling, "Avert your eyes Sheri, don't look."

"Okay," agreed Sheri happily enough but didn't move her gaze from EJ one iota, continuing to admire him shamelessly.

"If it is then I've really been missing out," said Emily with a quirk of her lips and giving EJ a playful look, "I think from now on my dear boy I'm going to have to insist on a similar service from you."

Sami put her hand over her mouth again at the comical scene, sensing her husband wasn't going to appreciate her bursting into laughter but how she wanted to. She didn't blame the other woman from looking, hell, she was having a lot of fun checking out EJ as well, they were only human after all with the possible exception of the Marsha woman who seemed as intent on not looking at EJ as her companion did on looking.

"Have you always had that mole on your ass Nephew?" asked John, tilting his head and looking at EJ backside intently from where he was standing.

"Yes," said EJ tightly, pressing himself back even harder against cupboard to try and cut down on the attention his derrière was currently attracting.

"I've got one in the exact same spot," mused John, "Here, I'll show you."

"NO!"

"Okay."

The no's had come from EJ, Sami and Marsha while Sheri and Emily had been the ones up for a comparison. The two women exchanged conspiratorial looks, instantly bonding over men's bottoms.

"I'm sorry," said EJ in exasperation, looking at the two women, "But who are you again?"

"This is Soccer Mum 1 and Soccer Mum 2," said John, casually introducing them.

"I'm sorry?" asked EJ in consternation.

"You know," John prompted him, "You said we'd probably be getting some sexually repressed soccer moms turning up for that meeting about me answering the door yesterday to the Girl Scout's with my Yankee Doodle Dandy on show."

"For the record," said Sheri brightly, putting up her hand, "I'm not sexually repressed even though I _am[]/i_ a Soccer mom. In fact I'm quite free thinking about a lot of things you'll find when it comes down to it."

She gave EJ in a particular a pointed look at that statement and he smiled weakly back at her, feeling a little on the back foot with his current state of undress and this ambush.

"But that meeting wasn't until four today," said EJ, trying to put this all together.

"Oh yeah," said John stoically, "Some woman from the Girl Scout's rang earlier and asked if it would be alright for them to come round at eleven instead of four."

"You couldn't have mentioned that to me earlier Uncle?" asked EJ in exasperation.

"So I forgot," shrugged John nonchalantly, "Keep your pants on Elvis."

Sami stifled another giggle at that comment.

"Would that I could Uncle," EJ sighed with a roll of his eyes.

"Do you all mind?" hissed Marsha who was still looking up at the ceiling, "I refuse to go any further with this while you are in that shameful state young man."

"Oh honey," said Emily casually, "Lighten up, you'll live longer. If you've got it flaunt it and from where I'm standing my dear boy has it to flaunt and then some."

"He sure does," agreed Sheri readily, taking in EJ's '_it'_ with avid interest.

EJ grimaced and wished Rolf had made a bigger loaf of bread, trying to move it so that he was covered from all angles but it wasn't really possible.

"Sheri do not encourage these... these heathens!" hissed Marsha, still in total outrage mode, "What kind of household is this anyway? Men walking around willy nilly with... with..."

"Their willy nilly's showing?" asked Sheri helpfully, tongue firmly in her cheek.

She didn't mind Marsha in small doses but when she was on one of her moral rampages she could get a bit tedious and Sheri couldn't help but stir the pot sometimes even though she knew she shouldn't be riling the woman up anymore than she already was.

"Sheri remember who you are!" said Marsha aghast at the other woman's candour, trying to give her a disapproving glare whilst still looking up at the ceiling, "You're a mother for goodness sake!"

"And I got that way by getting my fair share of willy nilly action," said Sheri knowingly.

Sami was really starting to lose it now and had taken to pinching her thigh as hard as she could so that she wouldn't just dissolve into gales of laughter.

"Oh I like the cut of her jib," commented Emily in a quiet aside to Sami who could only nod, frightened that if she opened her mouth all hell would break lose.

"And you're a representative of the Girl Scouts of America!" Marsha reminded her roundly, "This kind of... of lewd conduct is exactly why we are here in the first place! Other mother's in our group were severely traumatised yesterday when this man..."

She stabbed a blind finger in the general direction of John seeing as she was still looking up.

"... exposed himself to our unwitting members!" she finished off heatedly, "It's disgusting and debauched is what it is and now we come here to see if some kind of understanding can to be reach only to be confronted with an equal scene of horror!"

"I wouldn't say it was exactly horrible," said Sheri with a little smile, still enjoying very much her almost unfettered view of EJ.

"Hey," shrugged John, "You take us as you find us in this house."

"That is no excuse for the travesty that my ladies were exposed to yesterday!" said Marsha, obviously determined not to be pacified.

"Look... Marsha is it?" asked EJ was given a terse little nod of agreement, "Marsha, I can assure you, this is not a normal state of affairs in this house. I would very much like it if we could reschedule our meeting for another time where I can be more appropriately attired... or at least attired in anyway other than just bread."

"Don't go to any trouble on my account," said Sheri sweetly, "I never got into that no carb fad diet thing myself. I love bread... can't get enough of it... in case you're wondering."

"I know," sighed Sami, at last managing to get herself under control and join the conversation, "I've been hanging out for some bread all day as well."

"I haven't had bread for awhile now," mused Emily thoughtfully, "I should get onto that at some point."

"Are we still talking about bread?" asked John suspiciously, sensing all was not as it seemed.

Eric chose that moment to walk into the kitchen and he came to a quick stop, taking in the strange vista.

"Whoa," he said, looking around at everyone, "I don't know why I'm surprised but I am."

"Is this one naked too?" asked Marsha nervously.

"Not yet," said Sheri, sounding a bit let down, "But he's only just got here so give him time."

"I was going to make a sandwich," said Eric, wrinkling his nose and looking at the loaf of bread that was still hiding EJ's manhood from general display, "But suddenly I'm not that hungry."

"I'm a little peckish," interjected Sheri, looking at EJ with hopeful expectation.

"We're not here to socialise Sheri," Marsha scolded the other woman who looked suitably disappointed at being gypped out of a taste of EJ's loaf, "We were here to discuss the events of yesterday but clearly there is no point!"

"So does that mean you're going to get over yourselves and drop it?" asked John in his typical blunt fashion.

"Uncle John please," said EJ, seeing Marsha was not someone who would appreciate John's brand of directness, "You're not helping!"

"We're leaving!" announced Marsha dramatically, "Come along Sheri, we don't have to put up with these deviants any longer! You have not heard the last of this!"

With that Marsha swept out of the room but Sheri didn't immediately follow. She checked quickly over her shoulder to see that the other woman had left the room.

"I was wondering if you had a business card at all?" she asked him hopefully, "I've got some legal matters that obviously a man of your... talents... would be perfect for."

The pause before and after she said the word talents and the way Sheri's eyes were sweeping all over EJ's very naked body suggested it wasn't his intellect that had sold her on his abilities as a lawyer.

"Well not on me," said EJ smoothly, still somehow managing to have an aura of command whilst standing in his kitchen only wearing a loaf of bread.

"Mm," nodded John stoically, "Imagine where he'd be keeping them if he did."

Emily began to giggle at that while Eric made a dry retching sound.

"I may never eat again," he muttered.

"I'll ring your office," said Sheri and then leant closer to EJ, whispering to him in a conspiratorial fashion as he ducked his head to hear her properly, "Just to let you know... my husband Rick... he's _very_ understanding."

She gave him a knowing look then and a wink.

"Well I'm glad to hear that Sheri," smiled EJ, indulgently, taking the woman's interest in his stride, "But unfortunately my wife isn't so much understanding as homicidally jealous. She once tried to burn down an entire hotel when she thought I was there with some other woman."

"But it was okay," said John conversationally, "He wasn't there with a woman but with her brother."

"Howdy," said Eric volunteering who he was and waved at Sheri.

"Oh well," purred Sheri and gave EJ an impish look, "I do like a man who isn't afraid of trying new things."

"SHERI!"

Marsha's booming voice rolled into the kitchen and Sheri winced.

"I'd better go," she said, wrinkling her nose, "Marsha doesn't like to be kept waiting. In fact Marsha doesn't like a lot of things."

"I'M LEAVING SHERI... NOW!"

"Bye," said Sheri brightly, her enthusiasm not dampened by the other woman's ire, "Lovely to meet you all. And don't worry about Marsha, I'll do my best to remove the stick wedged up her bottom before we meet again."

She turned to go then but as she walked out the door she turned around quickly and held her fingers to her ear, making the international sign for 'call me' to EJ.

"Well I think you've made a new friend," observed Eric straight faced.

"And your loaf of bread will remain unsliced as long as that all she is," said Sami, giving EJ a pointed look.

"Darling I only have eyes for you, you know that," said EJ, giving her a sweet smile and then gave a sigh as he thought about the disastrous meeting, "Well that didn't pan out as I'd hoped somehow."

Rolf walked into the kitchen then, having just returned from shopping and gave a start at seeing EJ there.

"I just baked zat!" he exclaimed, "Vat are you doing vis my vitalbrot Elvis?"

"Apparently when Elvis said that he really loved your bread it wasn't just a figure of speech," said John calmly to which the women and Eric began to laugh.

"What's going on here?" asked EJ in annoyance, "Are they selling tickets out there? All of you out!"

"Are you sure you don't want me to help you honey?" asked Sami with a particularly lecherous look at EJ, "I could hold your loaf for you."

"Enough with the bread jokes!" said EJ imperiously, "Out!"

"Alright dear," said Emily raising a placating hand, "You don't need to get your _pumpernickers_ in a twist."

"Good one Emmy," laughed Eric, "I just don't dough what he's so upset about."

"Oh stop it," Sami admonished them, "_Leaven_ him alone."

EJ just shook his head and gave up, letting them have their fun, wondering when it was exactly that his life had taken such a downward turn.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter SEVEN – A Hard Man is Good To Find**

EJ walked down the corridor towards his Uncle's office after having settled the twins for their afternoon nap; curious as to who it had been at the door. After the somewhat unfortunate incident with the last visitors to the house earlier that day EJ just wanted to make sure everything was alright. Mind you, it was hard to imagine how it could be any worse than what had happened in the kitchen. When he'd entered the law profession he'd never envisaged himself trying to placate an angry Girl Scout leader whilst standing naked in a kitchen with only a loaf of bread to protect his dignity. And he'd thought he'd led an exciting life as a professional racing car driver all over Europe. Six months in this house made all his wildest stories seem positively like bed time stories for children!

EJ heard Sami's laughter coming down the hallway to him and EJ smiled, loving the sound of it. Obviously she was with whoever the visitor was in John's study and was being amused by them. Perhaps Joseph had dropped by and EJ's smile widened at the thought of seeing his friend although he would most likely going to be forced to sit through the retelling of the 'bread' story several times at Joseph's insistence. It hadn't exactly been his finest hour but EJ had long ago learned to roll with these kinds of things in this house. If he could get past seeing his mother in law naked he could get past this as well. EJ stopped at the open door of John's office, ready to join in on the laughter but the smile dropped abruptly from his face when he saw who it was making Sami laugh.

Scott Delaney worked for John as his accountant and for an accountant he fancied himself quite the ladies man. EJ had met him several times now and in the beginning he'd thought he was alright in a vaguely self involved way but then Sami had met him and EJ's opinion of the man had taken a decidedly southern turn. For some reason EJ couldn't fathom Sami seemed to have taken to Scott. Not that she was attracted to him of course but she found him amusing and good company. That would have been fine by EJ if the other man hadn't been so clearly interested in Sami in a less than platonic way. He was subtle about his attentions but EJ had a highly sensitised radar to any man showing interest in Sami and he saw the looks Scott gave Sami when she wasn't looking, the supposedly innocent touches that lingered just that split second too long. Sami for her part seemed oblivious to his attentions and EJ once again boggled at how his wife could be such a femme fatale and yet still be so unaware of her own allure at times.

Scott was leaning down a little too closely to Sami for EJ's liking and saying something in her ear which made her promptly burst out laughing again. EJ's frown deepened as the other man joined in on the laughter and in a show of casualness that didn't fool EJ for a second put his hand lightly to Sami's back. She looked briefly away to where John was standing by his desk, inviting him in on the joke and while her attention was diverted Scott enjoyed a lingering look at Sami's breast that were still being displayed more than amply in that damn clinging blouse of hers. EJ had found himself utterly distracted by it all day which of course had been Sami's intent but he knew for a fact that Scott was also enjoying her attempts to beguile EJ.

"Hello there Nephew," said John, spying EJ standing there and interrupting his dark thoughts of what he'd like to do to Scott for looking at his wife that way.

"Hey," smiled Sami, her face lighting up when she saw him standing there, "Did the twins settle alright?"

"They went out like a light," nodded EJ, continuing on into the room, "Scott."

EJ nodded his head at the other man and shook his hand, making sure his grip was firm.

"Hi EJ," the broad shouldered man with hair almost as dark as EJ's smiled back at him, "Happy holidays."

"And to you," said EJ smoothly, dropping his hand, "What brings you by, surely not business this soon after Christmas?"

"Actually it is," nodded Scott, "John wanted me to go over some things with him."

"Really?" frowned EJ, looking over at John who was sporting his usual passive expression, "You didn't mention anything to me Uncle about requiring Scott's services today."

"I figured you had your hands full with your loaf today," said John stoically, "I didn't want to add to your concerns."

"What does that mean?" asked Scott in confusion at John's strange turn of phrase.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Sami's lips turn up in a big smile but EJ maintained a calm expression.

"Don't mind my Uncle," he said casually, "It was nothing."

"Not according to all the women in the room," Sami teased him playfully, "I think the general feeling was that it was _definitely_ something EJ."

"We won't bore Scott with the details though will we sweetheart?" said EJ with a pointed look at Sami.

"Why do I get the feelings that the details wouldn't be boring?" asked Scott, looking intrigued.

"You know if you and my uncle have business then Samantha and I should really get out of your hair," said EJ smoothly, intent on changing the subject.

"Actually I wanted to ask Sami something while I have her here," said Scott quickly, "My company is involved with a charity that does work for homeless youth and we are having a wine and cheese night to see if we can put together some ideas for the new year. Now I know you were involved with that really successful fundraiser for Salem University hospital Sami and I was wondering if you'd consider coming along and giving us the benefit of your experience."

"Samantha can't drink," said EJ quickly, "She's pregnant."

EJ was intent on letting the other man know that pertinent piece of information.

"I could drink orange juice honey," said Sami in amusement, "I don't think that it's mandatory to drink wine at these things somehow."

"Of course not," said Scott, looking a little taken aback with this information to EJ's satisfaction but recovering quickly, "And congratulations to both of you about the baby."

"Thank you," said EJ with proud excitement at the thought of the new life he and Sami had created together.

"It was a bit of a surprise," said Sami ruefully, smiling up at EJ, "A wonderful surprise though."

"We found out just before our wedding on Christmas Eve," said EJ, returning her smile warmly, "Samantha and I were overjoyed."

EJ also figured it didn't hurt to let the other man know exactly just how committed Sami and he were to each other in reminding him about their wedding.

"That must be why you look more beautiful than ever," said Scott, looking at Sami appreciatively, intent on not being outdone, "You're absolutely glowing Sami."

Sami flushed at the other man's praise and the colour in her cheeks only added to her allure and EJ felt a surge of jealousy as he watched the other man appreciate his wife's gorgeousness. He'd been down this track already with that damn Chris fellow from Sami's last turn at fundraising. He'd run that interloper out of town and had no compunction about doing the same with Scott if push came to shove.

"And I do hope that you'll consider my invitation to the brainstorming party," continued on Scott earnestly, obviously trying to press his advantage, "You'd be my special guest of course and to be truthful I've already talked you up and everyone is dying to meet you. I just know you'll come up with some great ideas for fundraising for the charity."

"I have missed doing that kind of work," admitted Sami, "I'd love to get back into it."

"Sweetheart you promised me that you were going to take things easier," said EJ with a frown, very proud of her that she wanted to contribute to society but mainly just concerned for Sami's health now.

She'd scared the life out of him with this anaemia business and EJ wasn't about to let Sami fill her plate up with more things in a hurry and wear herself out again.

"It's only for a couple of hours and I'll just be talking to people," said Sami blithely, "It's not like I was planning on running the Boston marathon or anything. It's sweet of you to worry honey but you really don't need to fuss."

"Samantha I'm an expectant father," he said with a little smile, "It's my job to make a fuss over you."

"Besides I'll take good care of her," Scott joined in happily.

Over my dead body thought EJ grimly as he somehow managed to keep a neutral expression on his face at the other man's remark.

"Alright then," smiled Sami, "I'd love to Scott, when is it exactly?"

"Next week," said Scott and grinned, looking very pleased with himself, much to EJ's annoyance.

"You know darling we really should let Uncle John and Scott get back to it," said EJ calmly, "I'm sure Scott has someone waiting for him at home."

"Nope," admitted Scott readily, looking at Sami, "I'm as free as a bird me."

"Well I might have to see what I can do about that," smiled Sami and EJ knew that she was thinking about setting him up with someone but EJ also knew who exactly it was that Scott was hoping for a chance with.

It galled EJ no end that the other man felt that he could show his interest in Sami while EJ was standing right there. It was all subtle of course but EJ knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Scott was interested in a lot more than just Sami's ideas about fundraising. He was going to have to take this would be interloper down a peg or two he decided.

"I can't tell you how pleased I am you've agreed to do this," said Scott with what looked like a self satisfied smile to EJ, "I just know you're going to blow everyone away Sami. Thanks for agreeing to it."

"I just hope that I'm not going to let anyone down after the build up you've given me," said Sami ruefully.

"Nonsense," he dismissed her concerns easily and grinned down at her, "I know you'll be amazing, I'm sure of it."

"I'm really excited about doing this," said Sami, her face flushing appealingly and EJ didn't miss the way the other man looked so pleased with himself for getting her to look at him like that, "Thanks for thinking of me Scott."

"How could I not think of you Sami," said Scott warmly as he put a hand on Sami's arm in what EJ assumed was meant to have the appearance of a friendly gesture to it but EJ knew better.

"Samantha is amazing at everything she turns her hand to," said EJ smoothly.

He hated the sight of the other man's hand on Sami but kept determinedly calm looking. There was no point to outright displays of jealousy just yet. It would put him at a tactical disadvantage EJ decided even as he resigned himself to a life time of keeping other men away from his beautiful wife.

"Except cooking," John spoke for the first time in a while, "Unless by amazing you mean lethal."

"I can cook," frowned Sami, looking at John in disapproval and then grimaced as she admitted to some limitations in that department, "Kind of."

"In the same way I can _kind_ _of_ give birth," said John straight faced.

"And on that disturbing note we'll let you two be," said EJ with a quirk of his lips and held out his hand to Sami who took it willingly.

"I'll be in touch with you Sami about the party," said Scott quickly as EJ began to lead her from the room.

Over his dead body would there ever be any kind of touching he thought EJ darkly to himself but right then he was just intent on getting Sami away from the other man. Scott was a problem for another day he decided.

"Okay," said Sami happily, "Bye Scott."

She and EJ continued to hold hands as they left John's study but when Sami went to walk down the passageway he tightened his hold on her hand and tugged her gently the other way.

"I need to talk to you Samantha," he said, guiding her the other way down the corridor and towards the games room with John's beloved pool table in it.

"What is it EJ?" she asked him as he opened the door for her and let Sami walk in first.

EJ quickly closed the distance between them, coming up behind Sami.

"Is it about the twi... OH!" Sami gasped in surprise as EJ put his arms around her, dragging her back against him and holding her tightly against him, "EJ!"

EJ buried his head in her neck, ravaging the smooth skin of her neck. After Sami's initial shock he felt her relax back against him, her softness melting into his muscled length pleasingly.

"Is this what you wanted to talk to me about EJ?" she asked him with a little giggle.

"Amongst other things," growled EJ, his hands moving restlessly over her stomach now.

He'd just needed to be able to touch Sami, to feel her body against his and know that she was his and no one else's. It was a basic male urge to stake his claim when another male had been sniffing around and as evolved as EJ liked to think he was when it came to Sami there were a lot of things that he just ran off instinct.

"What brought this on?" she asked in consternation, looking over her shoulder back up at him.

"Can't a man show his wife a little affection?" asked EJ, trying to look casual.

"But you've been trying not to 'show me affection' all day," she said in amusement, "Why the sudden turn around now?"

"No reason," said EJ evasively even as the milky expanse of her neck called to him and he just had to drop his head and taste her smooth skin.

Sami wasn't to be distracted though and was obviously thinking about it.

"You know the only thing that has changed is Scott coming to visit," she mused and then suddenly realised what was going on.

She tried to struggle out of EJ's arms to face him but he was too enamoured with the patch of skin on her neck to let her so she had to stay put in the end.

"You're jealous," she accused him in disbelief.

"Why shouldn't I be," said EJ unapologetically, his hands moving back and for across her stomach rhythmically now as he nibbled his way up to her ear, "He asked you out on a date while I was standing right there."

"That was in no way a date," protested Sami.

"Tell him that," said EJ tersely, a flare of annoyance going through him as he recalled the looks Scott had been giving Sami, "And you smiled at him."

"I smile at a lot of people," said Sami in exasperation.

"And I'm jealous of them all," said EJ, his voice roughening, "I hate sharing you Samantha, it does my head in some times."

"Is that right?" said Sami with interest and EJ realised he'd made a tactical mistake by admitting that, "So you really think Scott likes me hm?"

"Samantha," said EJ warningly, tightening his arms around her but Sami was to be dissuaded.

"You know," she said conversationally, "I've been thinking that seeing as you're refusing to satisfy me nowadays that I would be within my rights to find someone who would be more accommodating. What do you think EJ? Do you think Scott might be able to help me out with that?"

EJ knew she was only teasing him because he'd been standing more or less firm today on the abstinence thing. Sami would never consider sleeping with anyone else, just like he wouldn't either but there was something about hearing her say those words, however playfully, that just drove EJ insane.

"I'd kill him if he ever laid a finger on you," growled EJ and felt Sami quiver at the fierce rawness in his voice.

"Well maybe if you would then it wouldn't be an option," she said throatily, obviously intent on torturing him some more, "Wouldn't you like to lay a finger on me?"

Sami was now rubbing her backside against the growing bulge in EJ's trousers. He could never be this close to Sami without getting a little hard and now she was intent on coaxing him fully into life. She'd been titillating him all day, with her clothes, the comments and the touches and EJ simply couldn't take it anymore. Even though Sami was only teasing him about Scott it didn't matter, he needed to mark his territory, put his body deep into hers and claim her completely. Sami meanwhile had taken one of EJ's hands and put two of his fingers in her mouth, beginning to suck on them rhythmically in time to how her bottom was pressing back into EJ's hardening crotch.

"Yes," he hissed in answer to her question and approval to her actions as he felt the warm cavern of her mouth envelop his fingers and suckle, a promise of things to come.

EJ's free hand fumbled with the button of her skirt, finally undoing it and letting the skirt fall to the ground leaving Sami only standing there in with her blouse on, discovering she wasn't wearing any underwear. This revelation both inflamed and enraged him simultaneously as he thought of the other man being in the same room as her while she wasn't wearing any panties. It made him even more insanely jealous of her.

"Oh god Samantha!" he groaned excited at seeing her in that state.

"I thought we might not want to be slowed down today," she said shakily, responding to the intense arousal she could hear in his voice.

It was clear that Sami thought she would be able to get him to this point at some stage in the day and EJ knew he should have been put out by her confidence but really didn't care right then. All he could think about was having her now and nothing else mattered. He withdrew his fingers from her mouth and moved them to her flat stomach, dragging them down until EJ could slip his hand between Sami's legs, seeking out her core. He found her gratifyingly already very wet for him and he grunted his approval to her for that fact. Without hesitation EJ penetrated her with the two fingers that had been in his mouth, making her gasp. He could feel that Sami was waiting for him to begin to pleasure her but he had other ideas.

"Move," he told her and Sami looked back over her shoulder at him in confusion, "Take what you need from me Samantha."

EJ's other hand began to guide her hips up and down and Sami quickly realised that he wanted her to do the work which she willingly did, beginning to move up and down on his fingers. EJ held himself determinedly still as she began to pleasure herself with his fingers, swallowing hard as he felt her wetness grow and Sami began to give panting moans of pleasure as she began to work her way towards a climax.

"Oh EJ!" she groaned, leaning back heavily against him even as her hips rode his fingers relentlessly, her peak rapidly approaching.

It was incredibly difficult for EJ to keep himself in check while Sami was doing what she was doing and didn't know how much longer he could hold out. To help them both along EJ's free hand moved up to one of her breasts, delving into that maddening blouse of hers. His eager fingers sort out her already straining nipple and began to pull and twist it, knowing how much Sami enjoyed her breasts being touched during sex.

"OhhhHHHH!"

EJ had been right, as soon as he'd begun to torture her breast so pleasurably Sami had come and he could feel her walls convulsing against his fingers now as she bucked helplessly against him and EJ could take no more. He quickly removed his hands from Sami's body even as she continued to climax, turning her around and picking her up to put her on the pool table in front of him. Next EJ quickly released his now excruciatingly swollen manhood from its confines and plunged it into Sami's waiting heat, enjoying the tail end of her orgasm.

"Samantha!" he growled, surging into her.

She was hot and tight and so wet by this stage that it was all EJ could do not to come instantly. He managed a couple minutes of energetic thrusting though before exploding into Sami, a feeling of intense satisfaction running through him as he shot his seed deep into Sami, asserting that she was his in the most intimate way possible. Sami was kissing him then, her arms around his neck and EJ moaned into that kiss as his body continued to pump his maleness into her.

"More," groaned Sami, lying back on the pool table against the green felt as EJ's hands went to her hips, still dragging in great lungfuls of air after the force of his last release.

EJ moaned loudly as he felt her beginning to work on him again, her tight walls bearing down tightly on his still pulsating shaft and releasing it again. Over and over Sami did that, encouraging him back into a semblance of his former glory. They were both insatiable even though it hadn't even been twenty four hours since their last encounter.

"Oh that's it," he groaned loudly in approval, squeezing his eyes closed tightly as her body continued to stimulate his relentlessly, "Oh god that's beautiful sweetheart! Don't stop, you feel so good!"

"Like this?" asked Sami breathlessly, increasing the strength of her squeezing of the length of her contractions, "Do you like that?"

"Yes," EJ grunted, his eyes still closed and his face screwed up in pleasurable delight, "Oh god... uhh... ahh... ahh... oh god..."

EJ knew he was rambling coherently as she pleasured him back into life but couldn't stop himself. He loved Sami being this eager for him and the thought of her desired made him swell even more inside of her.

"Oh yes," Sami said breathlessly, clearly feeling him thicken and filling her more fully, "That's it, keep doing that."

EJ grunted at her approval and was hard enough now to begin moving once more inside of Sami. He picked up her legs and put them over his shoulder, his hands returning to her hips. EJ pulled out of her then much to Sami's dismay.

"No!" she said in anguish but then he rammed himself back home into her and elicited an approving groan, "Yes, oh yes EJ, more!"

EJ had no idea how he'd ever thought for one second that he could have denied them both this as the bliss of her body encased him over and over again. Sami was already beginning to moan, her climax rapidly approaching and EJ found his own arousal sky rocketing at how responsive she was being for him. He leant forward so his face was directly over Sami's, increasing the depth and angle of his penetrations and making Sami squeal because of it. Her legs were still over his shoulder and now her knees were practically pressed up against her own shoulders as EJ leaned down over her. There was something about her being in such a receptive position for him that really pushed EJ's buttons.

"I'm going to have you all night," he grunted the vow to her as the sweat of his exertions began to sting EJ's eyes and Sami gave an excited groan at the thought and began to climax around him, taking EJ with her.

**...****...**

Eric lined up his shot on the pool table, confident that he could sink the easy ball with no problem. He hit the ball and the shot was true but when the white ball knocked the red ball, the red ball didn't go where Eric had planned, veering off on an odd trajectory.

"What the hell was that?" asked Eric in annoyance at blowing the easy shot.

"That was you owing me twenty bucks kid," said John with a smirk.

It looked like his little plan of inviting his accountant around had worked.

These kids of his were so predictable, it was like shooting quiche in a barrel John decided.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter EIGHT – It All Comes Out In The Wash**

"I love how late the twins are sleeping in nowadays," sighed Sami happily, snuggling into EJ contentedly as they shared a little quiet time before the hectic goings on of the day began, "We may as well enjoy it while it lasts, once this new bub puts in an appearance it will all be over."

"Or babies," injected EJ and smiled up at her as Sami lifted her head off his chest and rolled her eyes at him.

"You're determined aren't you?" she said in mild exasperation but didn't sound very put out by the notion at all.

"We were very energetic at the hotel my love," he grinned, "I think two or three babies out of all that sex is not out of the question."

"That isn't how it works EJ," said Sami with a laugh at his silliness.

"We'll see," said EJ, looking strangely confident, as though he knew something she didn't as he brushed a few stray crumbs off his chest.

"Sorry," she said with a half smile as EJ swept away the last of the cracker crumbs from the bed.

"Sweetheart you can open a cracker factory in our bed if it stops your morning sickness," said EJ indulgently.

"You're loving this aren't you?" asked Sami in quiet amazement.

"If you mean being a doting expectant father and getting to enjoy all the little ins and outs that a title like that entails then yes," grinned EJ happily, "I am loving every minute of this Samantha."

"I'm glad," Sami said and suddenly looked a little wistful, thinking of what EJ had missed out on with the twins.

"Don't," said EJ firmly when he saw her face and correctly guessed the reason for it, "The past is the past and all I care about is that all of those broken roads eventually ended up to this moment. It's all that matters."

"I couldn't imagine my life without you EJ," said Sami suddenly serious.

"Well I'm rather hopeful you won't have to sweetheart," said EJ teasingly, "I plan on being around for a good long while yet."

"You better," grumbled Sami, feigning being put out, "You're not sticking me with all these babies to raise on my own you know."

"Wouldn't dream of it my love," grinned EJ, "Raising our children is the best bit. Well..."

A suddenly sly look came over EJ's face then.

"... except maybe making them in the first place," said EJ impishly, craning his neck and kissing a bare expanse of Sami's neck. "That was a great deal of fun as well."

"So I'm taking it from this show of affection that your ridiculous ban on sex is lifted now?" asked Sami with a quirk of her lips as EJ kissed down her neck and began to head towards her breasts.

Her grin widened as she felt EJ's manhood stir against her thigh as he touched her.

"And apparently that isn't the only thing that is lifting," she said mischievously and giving EJ a knowing look.

EJ attempted to put a look of annoyance on his face but it was belied by the way his mouth turned up at the edges.

"Remind me again why it is that when you say there is to be no sex we last for a month and yet when I say it we don't last a day?" asked EJ doing his best imitation of being put out.

"It's the natural order of things," said Sami impishly, "Men are just easy... and you in particular are very easy Elvis DiMera."

"I take umbrage at that remark," pouted EJ.

"And yet I'm not hearing a denial," said Sami cheekily, rubbing her leg against his now quite stiff member.

"You're using unfair tactics," said EJ, trying to look upset by that fact but failing miserably.

"Is that a complaint?" asked Sami huskily, moving over the top of EJ and draping her body over his as she looked down at him.

"Hardly," growled EJ, his hands immediately going to cup her bottom cheeks and massaging them gently.

"Tell you what," said Sami playfully, "I've just come into some money, why don't I buy you something pretty when I'm out apartment hunting with Eric to make it all better?"

"Just how cheap do you think I am?" asked EJ in outrage and then continued on without missing a beat, "I look good in blue."

"Yes you do," agreed Sami with a giggle and went to kiss him but EJ stalled her, looking up at Sami, suddenly confused.

"Where did this money 'you've come into' come from?" he asked curiously.

"Oh," said Sami and suddenly realised she'd made a mistake in mentioning it, "Ah you know, Christmas money."

"From who?" asked EJ, his eyes narrowing suspiciously at Sami's sudden vagueness.

"Can't remember exactly," hedged Sami, not meeting his eyes.

"Samantha," said EJ determinedly, knowing there was more to this then she was saying.

"Oh okay," said Sami in exasperation, "John and I split the pot between us."

"The pot?" repeated EJ in confusion, propping himself up on his elbows and frowning up at Sami as she now straddled him, "What... wait... are you telling me that you were in on that whole gambling thing with how long I could hold out with my ban on sex?"

EJ was looking at her with horror now and Sami pursed her lips, thinking there was nothing else to do now but to confess all.

"I wouldn't say in on exactly," said Sami, looking as innocent as she knew how, "I'd say more that an opportunity presented itself for me to make some easy money because you know... like I said before... you're easy."

"So you and my uncle were in cahoots then?" EJ was still in a state of disbelief, "I can't believe I'm hearing this!"

"How about I buy you two blue things to make it up to you?" asked Sami sweetly.

"I don't know Samantha," said EJ, folding his arms across his chest and looking up at her disapprovingly, "I don't think that buying me a couple of things is going to make up for the fact that you used me like a sex toy yesterday!"

"Hm," said Sami, pretending to give this matter some deep thought, "In that case then how about this...?"

She leant down over EJ, putting her arms on either side of his shoulders so that her face was level with his.

"To make it up to you EJ," she purred, "Why don't I use you as a sex toy again?"

A devilish look came over Sami's face at that offer which she enjoyed seeing how it made EJ swallow hard all of a sudden. Sami held EJ's wide eyed gaze then as she began to kiss her way down his body.

"Well," said EJ unevenly, his eyes riveted to the slow progress Sami was making southwards on his body, "I guess that might be alright."

"Are you sure?" asked Sami throatily, feeling how tensely EJ was now holding his body underneath her as she now held her mouth tantalisingly close to that swollen purple tip of his, "I wouldn't want to do anything to upset you again honey."

"I wouldn't be upset," said EJ hoarsely, his eyes fixed on how close Sami's mouth was to where he clearly needed it to be.

"So you're okay with this then?" she asked him teasingly, her tongue darting out and licking at the massive head, already tasting his spicy pre-cum.

"Samantha!" EJ ground out the complaint, no longer playing now as his arousal began to escape his control but Sami wasn't done with him yet.

She licked up the sides of his distended length, taking her time and enjoying the sound of EJ's mindless groans and panting pleas for her to end this sweet torture of him. Sami eventually took pity on him, her own arousal making an uncomfortable ache between her legs as she took him into her mouth at long last. As soon as her mouth encased him she was rewarded with the hot, salty seed as he came instantly, shooting into her mouth and catching Sami a little off guard with the suddenness of it all. EJ usually had better self control then that but apparently not today as he spasmed wildly in her mouth. Sami had intended on milking every last drop of his goodness from him but now it was EJ who had other ideas. He gently tangled his fingers in her hair and made her release him, pushing her back onto the bed. EJ instantly parted her legs and drove his manhood home into her quivering heat before he lost all of his hardness.

"God YES!" he grunted and Sami gasped as EJ penetrated her, staking his claim.

Sami immediately clamped down hard around him, wanting him hard again as quickly as possible so she could join him in a climax of her own.

"Please!" Sami begged him, desperate for EJ to start moving inside on her now.

Instead he crushed her lips beneath his, his tongue thrusting deeply into hers mouth, mimicking what would soon be happening further on down their bodies. Sami locked her ankles around EJ's waist, beginning to tilt her hips up and down, stimulating them both and it was barely any time at all before EJ began to drive his newly restored member into her again and again, making them both scream out in pleasure.

** ...****...**

"So promise me you're going to be helpful with Eric and the apartment hunting today," said EJ, picking up the freshly dressed Johnny as Sami did the same to Ali.

"What does that mean?" Sami frowned as they began to head down the corridor, towards the stairs and down to breakfast.

"It means I know that you'd prefer that Eric stay on living with us," said EJ, sending her a knowing look.

"So I'd like for my twin to be close by," said Sami defensively, "I don't see the big deal and anyway, I'd never hold him back from doing what he really wanted."

"It's just that I know how much you like to get your own way," said EJ mildly.

"You didn't seem to mind me getting my own way half an hour ago," Sami reminded him with a pointed look.

"Yes well," said EJ wryly, unable to help the little shudder that passed through him as he remembered the pleasurable details of his and Sami's morning already, "Be that as it may Eric is an adult and would like a space of his own."

"I'm an adult and I still have to live with Crazy McBizzaro and his clothing optional henchman," said Sami in exasperation, "I don't see why Eric gets to leave if I can't!"

EJ shook his head, knowing Sami was being determinedly melodramatic about it all simply because she didn't want Eric to leave and EJ had to admit he knew how she felt. It felt good to have another rational adult around the place. It didn't mean that his uncle was any easier to control per se but it was nice to have someone else to commiserate with when he bought home a tank for example. People who weren't living in the house didn't quite get it. They found John amusing and at times a little perplexing. It wasn't them who had to make awkward phone calls to den mothers or make sure that no one in the US would sell tank shells to his uncle. It was all fun and games until a weapon of war was activated or a flamboyance of flamingos ran amok in your house, that was for sure. EJ knew that like him, Sami had grown accustomed to the generalised crazy that went on in the house on a near daily basis but it was tempting to think Eric might stay a little longer.

"We can't stand in Eric's way sweetheart," said EJ, determined to do the right thing here even though he didn't exactly feel like it.

"Correction," said Sami firmly as they walked down the stairs, "You can't stand in his way. I'm his twin, I can totally do that!"

"Samantha," said EJ in exasperation, "You're not being fair to Eric."

"Of course I am," said Sami confidently, "He loves being here, loves being with the twins, Mom loves having him around and so do you, don't deny it."

"I'm not denying that I enjoy Eric's company," said EJ patiently, "I'm just saying that he should be free to chose."

"And he will be," said Sami firmly, "Free to chose to stay. Besides, he obviously needs my help with keeping that elongated troll away from him and I can hardly leave him to her clutches now can I?"

"I take it from that description you mean Nicole," said EJ wryly, "And again Samantha, he's old enough to make his own decisions about where he lives and who he sees."

"She's his kryptonite," said Sami dismissively, "Wonder Woman would never have let Superman walk into danger like that. She'd have to rescue him – that is what sidekicks do!"

"I don't believe Superman ever had a sidekick and if he did I doubt it would have been Wonder Woman," said EJ in exasperation as they were nearly at the kitchen now and then sent her a sly look, "Although I wouldn't mind seeing you in fish nets, knee high boots and a lasso."

"Funny," said John, not looking up from the newspaper he had laid out on the table as EJ and Sami entered the kitchen together with the twins, "That's what I said to Blondie last night."

"Ohh," said Sami, wrinkling her nose, "John please!"

"He started it," said John, jabbing a finger at EJ and still not bothering to look up.

"In that case let me be the one to finish it by changing the subject," said EJ dryly and received a grateful look from Sami for his troubles, "Uncle John you remember that I'm taking you to the optometrist today for a check up?"

"I don't see why," grumbled John, "I see fine."

"I'd like to have a professional confirm that if you don't mind," said EJ firmly, "Call me crazy but I'm a little concerned when you can't tell the difference between the salt and sugar shakers and end up emptying a whole heap of salt into your coffee."

"That was intentional," said John impassively.

"So you said," EJ said with a roll of his eyes, "But I don't see why anyone would do such a thing intentionally."

"It's simple," said John stoically, "I read that a lot of sugar in coffee is bad for you so I swapped to salt."

"And that isn't bad for you?" asked Sami in exasperation, "John that would have to be worse!"

"I've never read any literature supporting such a claim," said John straight faced.

"But salt is bad for you," protested Sami.

"Not when it's in coffee," protested John right back, "Otherwise there would be warnings against it. There are warnings against everything else in this world. This shirt I am wearing has a tag that says don't iron this shirt while you're wearing it so why wouldn't there be a warning against putting salt in your coffee? There isn't so ipso facto, it must be safe to do so."

"No one has written a warning about it because no one would drink coffee with salt in it!" said Sami in exasperation, "It would have to be utterly disgusting!"

"It's an acquired taste but good once you get used to it," said John casually, "Just like bologna and shaving cream."

"Moving swiftly on," said EJ hurriedly when he saw the suddenly sickly look on Sami's face at such a combination, "Can I assume you'll be accompanying me Uncle, despite your reservations?"

"Why not," shrugged John, going back to his paper, "I guess there are worse things to do with a Friday then prove you wrong."

"Very good," said EJ and rolled his eyes at Sami, "I don't suppose I could talk you into swapping jobs today could I?"

"Yeah right," snorted Sami, "After that – I don't think so!"

Sami and EJ began to set about sorting out the twins then for breakfast, just talking about their plans for the day and chatting to the twins, letting them know that they were going to be spending the afternoon with Grandma Caroline.

"Ha," said John suddenly, still reading the paper, "Listen to this, this article says that cigarettes can cause cancer of the cervix. How weird is that, you know I've only ever thought to put them in my mouth."

Sami and EJ just looked at each other then at that latest statement.

"How about if I offered you money as well?" asked EJ hopefully, referring to his request to swap jobs that day.

"Like there would be enough money in the world EJ," scoffed Sami with a grin, "You are on your own my darling husband."

EJ wrinkled his nose and sighed and gave a hopeful look at the twins.

"How about you two?" he asked them teasingly, "Do you want to help Daddy out at all?"

Both Ali and Johnny emphatically shook their heads no at him and promptly erupted into mad giggling which Sami joined in on.

"Nice try EJ," she laughed, "But our children aren't that crazy."

"So it would seem," sighed EJ melodramatically, "So it would seem."

"I mean how would you inhale?" asked John suddenly, still obviously fixated on the article he'd just read, "And how would you stop other things catching light when you did?"

"Is it too early in the morning to start drinking do you think?" asked EJ, a deadly serious look on his face.

"Something tells me that there isn't enough alcohol in the world for your day EJ," Sami grinned up at him.

"I fear not," EJ grimaced.

"Although you wouldn't have that smoker's breath I'm imagining," continued on John thoughtfully.

Sami and EJ exchanged exasperated looks.

"You know six months ago this would have seemed weird," commented EJ almost idly.

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" asked Sami with an arched eyebrow putting the twin's breakfast out for them which they hungrily dove into the toast fingers.

"I think it's more of a survival instinct thing," said EJ dryly.

"Like drinking your own urine if you're stuck in the desert," interjected John knowingly.

Sami looked down at the apple juice that she'd been about to drink and wrinkled her nose.

"We should start having breakfast in our room," she said flatly as she poured the suddenly worrisome drink down the sink.

"But then you'd miss all this scintillating conversation," protested John.

"We can only hope Uncle John," said EJ wryly.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter NINE – The Blind Leading the Blind**

"Hello," smiled EJ at the young girl behind the reception desk, "I believe you have an appointment at eleven for John Black."

"Oh yes Mr Black," she smiled back.

"I'm Mr Black," John noted stoically who was standing beside EJ before giving him a curious look, "Unless it's one of those times where you want me to lie about who I am of course. You remember nephew, like that time you got me to lie to the police after that bar brawl you started."

EJ wrinkled his nose at John's lack of guile as the receptionist looked at EJ a little warily at that piece of information.

"You know there are times when I think you do this on purpose," said EJ flatly, very aware of the receptionist who was avidly listening to their every word.

"Do what?" asked John expressionlessly.

"Volunteer indelicate pieces of information at the most inopportune times," said EJ, unimpressed.

"You mean tell the truth?" asked John calmly, holding EJ's gaze steadily.

"Not everyone is interested in hearing our truth's Uncle John," said EJ in exasperation.

"I don't know about that," shrugged John and nodded at the young girl, "Sally there looks pretty interested."

EJ looked down at the girl and realised John had read her name from her name badge and that she was indeed looking rather intrigued by it all.

"Go and sit down please Uncle," said EJ dourly.

"You're always telling me what to do," grumbled John, "Sit there, take that out of your mouth, monkey's weren't meant to fly, don't lick that. I'm over it."

"Well if you'd stop doing all of those things I wouldn't have to be quick such a hard task master," said EJ in exasperation, "You know I get no pleasure from it either Uncle."

"For something you don't enjoy you seem to do an awful lot of it," noted John sceptically.

"That's because keeping you out of harm's way or harming anyone else is a full time job," said EJ with a roll of his eyes.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw the suddenly worried look on Sally's face as she heard that.

"Don't worry," he said with a reassuringly charming smile, "He's perfectly harmless."

"No I'm not," said John in his typically expressionless fashion.

"Please Uncle John," said EJ, keeping the smile determinedly on his face for the young woman's benefit.

"Well I'm not," said John, sounding a little affronted, "And I'll prove it."

He looked at Sally then.

"Do you have a straw on you Sally?"

"Enough already with the straws!" exclaimed EJ in exasperation.

"Fine," sniffed John and then addressed Sally again, "In that case do you have a stamp?"

EJ's mind boggled as he tried to imagine what kind of harm John could inflict on someone with a stamp and then decided it was probably best that he didn't work that one out. It was bad enough that he knew what he did with the straw.

"Preferably a fifty cents one," said John knowingly to a now bemused looking Sally, "I have to work harder with the forty cents stamps."

"Go and sit down please Uncle!"

"You're doing it again," said John stoically but did as EJ asked anyway.

"He's not normally like this," said EJ apologetically to the girl, lying through his teeth to reassure her.

"Mr Cole won't be long," she said a little hesitantly, trying to return EJ's smile and not quite managing it.

"Thank you Sally," said EJ sincerely, "And I promise you that he won't be any more trouble."

"Okay," she said brightly but EJ could see she was still struggling to know what to make of the two of them.

He knew how she felt.

EJ walked back over to John who was sitting on one of the waiting chairs, cradling a model of a large eyeball in his lap. It was one of those kinds used for teaching anatomy and pieces came off it to reveal details inside. EJ looked down at the eyeball and then back at John who had a perfectly placid expression on his face.

"What are you doing with that thing?" asked EJ with a heavy sigh.

"The sign said I could have it," said John, nodding at a sign on a nearby table which read 'Please help yourself'.

"They mean the bowl of lollies Uncle John," said EJ wondering if he really did have the strength to see this through as John seemed determined to be more difficult than usual, "Not the eyeball!"

"That isn't what the sign says," said John unrepentantly, "And anyway I don't see any bowl of dollies so I don't know what you are talking about Elvis."

"_Lollies_ Uncle, not dollies," said EJ, looking to the heavens for strength, "You know, candy!"

"I don't like it when you don't use English around me," said John, narrowing his eyes at him, "It's very rude of you."

"Lollies _is_ an English word," ground out EJ, his patience wearing thin by this point, "And I don't think your hearing has recovered properly from that explosion. You seem to mishear a lot of things."

"That's because you mumble and rarely make sense," said John coolly.

"I don't mumble and I _always_ make sense," said EJ in aggravation, "Maybe we should get your ears checked next?"

"What's your fascination with my orifices?" asked John, arching a suspicious eyebrow at him.

"I am not fascinated with your orifices!" exclaimed EJ, forgetting himself briefly.

Sally's head snapped up from where she was sitting behind the reception desk at EJ's unintentionally loud statement. EJ gave her a weak smile, unsure of how to salvage the situation without making things worse.

"Well I'm not," he said a little defensively.

"I think someone doth protest too much," said John knowingly.

EJ sat down then, feeling his head begin to spin at this particularly trying conversation and not having any clue of how to get out of it. Fortunately his cell phone rang then and he gratefully answered it.

"Hey you."

"Samantha!" said EJ delightedly, feeling himself instantly calming down at the sound of her voice, "Darling I miss you so much!"

"You only saw me half an hour ago," she said in amusement, "Is it going that bad with John?"

"Let's just say it's going how I expected," said EJ wryly and then as an aside to John, "Uncle John, put that eyeball back on the table – now!"

"I'm not even going to ask what that means," said Sami and he could hear her holding back her laughter.

"Probably for the best," agreed EJ seriously as he managed to wrestle the eyeball from John with one hand, resulting in him glaring at him in annoyance.

"You are so lucky Sally didn't have any straws," he told EJ ominously at being denied the eyeball.

"Wow," said Sami and now she was beginning to laugh, "You _do_ sound like you're having fun EJ!"

"I think I'm going to need a lot of TLC after this experience," said EJ, trying to sound forlorn and elicit some sympathy from Sami.

"Hm," she said playfully, "I guess I might be able to help you out with that. Maybe when you get home I can work out some of that tension for you?"

"That sounds wonderful Samantha," said EJ, an impish grin coming to his lips, "I can't wait to be putty in your hands."

"As long as not all of you is putty," she said cheekily, "I'm rather hoping bits of you will still be hard. In fact I'm counting on it."

"Hey, what did I say about you saying those kinds of things when I'm in earshot!"

EJ could hear Eric's complaining voice in the background and had to laugh.

"I'll finish that thought when I get you alone," Sami promised him throatily.

"I can't wait," EJ grinned, feeling his stomach turn over in nervous excitement at the thought of being alone with Sami again.

"Eric and I are about to start apartment hunting," Sami told him, "I'll see you at home later?"

"Count on it," said EJ huskily, "I love you."

"I love you too," said Sami and he could hear the smile in her voice as they said their goodbyes.

"I'm bored," John announced.

"I'm sure the optometrist won't be long," said EJ, his patience renewed after having spoken to Sami.

She just made everything right in his world, even insane kleptomaniac uncles with a propensity for blurting out family secrets at the drop of a hat. EJ settled back in his seat, relieved now the coveted eyeball was safe from John's clutches and began to relax, figuring there wasn't too much more havoc he could wreck just sitting there. EJ reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a book he'd intended on reading while John was in having his check up.

"Is that one of mine?" asked John, looking at it with interest.

"No," said EJ wryly, "I try not to be seen reading books of women with heaving bosoms and bare chested men on the cover."

"For a guy who likes to do the nasty on my pool table on a regular basis you sure seem bashful about the strangest things," noted John casually.

"I just like a little more substance to my stories," said EJ dryly.

"What's more substantial than love?" asked John blithely.

EJ pursed his lips, finding that a little difficult to disagree with actually.

"I'll lend it to you after I'm done with it," offered EJ, avoiding the question, "I'm really enjoying it and I think you will as well. It's a real page turner."

"I know how a book works Nephew," he huffed, "I'm not an idiot and I'll thank you to keep your smart ass comments to yourself."

EJ looked at John in exasperation at that comment. Sometimes John could be so relentlessly literal about things.

"Mr Black?"

"Aha," answered John and EJ gave a silent prayer of thanks for the reprieve.

"I'm Jason," the man said, holding out his hand for John to shake, "I'll be doing your eye examine today."

"Hello Jason," said John, shaking his offered hand, "Settle a dispute between my nephew and I... the eyeball... can I keep it?"

"Ah," Jason looked a little taken aback by the question, looking between the two men uncertainly, "I'm sorry but no, not really."

"You might want to consider making your signage a little less open ended then," said John, looking miffed.

"Well sure," said Jason hesitantly, looking at the sign for the candy, "I suppose that is a little confusing."

"Damn straight," said John emphatically.

"Right," said Jason slowly, clearly a little uncertain what to make of that so he moved on, "So why don't you come with me but while I have you here I'll do a quick check."

Jason turned and pointed behind him at the wall.

"So can you read the eye chart for me?" asked Jason, smiling pleasantly at John and indicating the large board with progressively smaller letters on it.

John just stood there, looking at the board and not speaking.

"Aloud Uncle John," EJ sighed as he realised what his uncle was doing, "You have to read the letters aloud."

"Okay," said John expressionlessly as Jason was now looking at him a bit askew, "Jix asti fumpo reb."

John stopped then and tilted his head to one side as he thought about what he'd just said.

"So what is that?" mused John thoughtfully, "Swahili?"

Jason didn't seem to know what to say to that, looking between EJ and John in a bewildered fashion.

"Perhaps I should come in with you Uncle," said EJ with a sigh, sensing Jason might be a little out of his depth somehow.

"No need," said John confidently, "Jason and I will be fine."

"Okay," said EJ and then gave John a warning look, "Just try and behave yourself will you?"

"Oh," said Jason, looking very nervous now.

"It's alright," said EJ quickly, "Really."

Jason didn't look overly convinced but nodded anyway and he and John walked out to the back room to begin the eye exam properly. EJ went and sat back down but had barely read the first page of his book before there was a blood curdling scream that startled the other people waiting for their appointments. EJ sighed heavily and put his hand to his face, shaking his head in resignation. He stood up then and walked over to where Sally was looking uncertainly at the door John and Jason had gone through. EJ smiled at her politely and reached into his coat pocket.

"My business card," said EJ calmly, "I'm Mr Black's attorney. Just get your lawyer to ring me."

"Does this happen a lot?" asked Sally hesitantly, taking his card.

"It depends on your definition of a lot," said EJ straight faced, wondering if Sami was having a better day then he was, "But yes Sally, yes it does."


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter TEN**** – ****What's Behind The Blue Door****?**

"Go on," said Eric calmly.

"Go on what?" asked Sami innocently.

"Go on and tell me all the things that were wrong with that apartment," Eric prompted her patiently.

"What makes you think I have a problem with this apartment?" asked Sami innocently.

"Oh I don't know," said Eric with a quirk of his lips, "Perhaps because you've found ridiculous things to find fault with the other four we've look at."

"They were perfectly valid concerns," said Sami with a scowl.

"Oh really?" asked Eric sceptically, "Perfectly valid you say? Alright the first one, you said it smelt like soup."

"Well it did," said Sami defensively.

"What does that even mean?" asked Eric in exasperation.

"That apartment smelt exactly like cream of mushroom soup," said Sami defiantly, "You couldn't have possibly have lived there. No one would ever have visited you!"

"I could have burnt one of those incense sticks to cover the supposed smell," pointed out Eric reasonably.

"Increased fire risk then," said Sami with a shake of her head, "I'd be worried that you were going to wake up to find your apartment on fire."

"Fine," said Eric with a roll of his eyes, "What about the next one then? That had great river views and that extra bedroom."

"Are you crazy?" asked Sami, looking at him wide eyed, "Did you see the kind of people that were milling around that place? It wouldn't be safe!"

Eric paused then and wrinkled his nose, pondering that.

"The only person I saw was that little old lady across the hall going into her apartment," said Eric thoughtfully.

"Exactly!" said Sami emphatically.

Eric narrowed his eyes at that, trying desperately to work out his twin's line of thought with that one but not quite managing it.

"Okay," he said at last, "I give in Sami; I have to buy a vowel on that one. What exactly is so horrible about living across the hall from a little old lady? What was wrong with her?"

"You probably don't know this because you've been out of town for awhile," said Sami, leaning in towards Eric in a conspiratorial fashion and lowered her voice, "But a while back we had this spate of murders attributed to a person called the Granny Killer. Now call me crazy but that woman in that apartment block totally looks like a maniac to me."

"Well I guess you'd be in a position to know," said Eric dryly and shaking his head at Sami's fantastical imagination.

She was his twin and they shared a special bond but even if he lived to be a hundred Eric knew he'd never be able to work out the convoluted workings of his sister's mind.

"Funny," said Sami, giving him an unimpressed look at his teasing.

"Look," said Eric in amusement, "Call _me_ crazy but somehow I think that the title Granny Killer was given because the guy likes to kill grannies, not that the killer is a granny!"

"I guess that is one possible interpretation," said Sami stiffly, not quite meeting his eye.

"That was total John logic, you know that right?" he asked with a grin.

"Take that back!" said Sami in horror, hitting Eric as hard as she could on his arm.

"OW!" complained Eric around a laugh and rubbed his arm.

"That was a horrible thing to say!" said Sami unrepentantly.

"And yet accusing little old ladies of being serial murderers is perfectly alright it seems," said Eric with a laugh.

"I'm just trying to look out for you Eric," Sami huffed, looking put out, "I only want what is best for you, that's all."

"That's all?" he challenged her, folding his arms in front of his chest as they stood out the front of the latest apartment they'd just checked out, "So there is no hidden agenda at all?"

Even though Eric didn't always understand Sami's thought processes he did understand her motivation for most things. She'd never made any secret of the fact that she didn't want him to move out of the mansion yet and clearly this was her way of making sure that it never happened. Eric knew that he should be upset with Sami for how difficult she was being but couldn't seem to bring himself to be annoyed. He knew this was coming from a place of love and besides, she was always pretty amusing to him when she was like this.

"What kind of agenda?" asked Sami, looking back at him coolly.

"Alright then if that is the way it's going to be," said Eric calmly, "I really liked that last place and I think I'll take it. What do you say to that Sami?"

"I say that's great," she said feigning disinterest in the subject, "Great… good... super."

"Okay," said Eric, looking back over his shoulder at the apartment block before reaching into his pocket for his phone, "I'll give the agent a call."

"Fine," said Sami, picking off some imaginary lint from her coat, "As long as of course…"

She stopped abruptly then and made a show of thinking better about continuing on.

"Never mind," she said, "Make your call."

"What?" Eric sighed at her shamelessly leading display, "What is it Sami?"

"You probably wouldn't be interested," said Sami with a sweet smile, "You carry on."

"Just tell me Sami," said Eric with a roll of his eyes wondering why on earth he'd agreed to letting her tag along with him.

He was seriously thinking it would have been less trouble to bring John with him but then again Eric didn't know about John and the optometrist Jason right then and it would have probably changed his mind if he did.

"It's just that I saw this expose about some buildings in Salem being riddled with asbestos and I could swear that the inside of that apartment was one of the ones they showed on the program as being filled with asbestos," said Sami innocently, "Oh and the paint on the walls were full of lead."

Sami looked suddenly thoughtful then.

"But I don't suppose it's a big deal if you don't want to have kids," she said sweetly, "Or keep all your hair… or live past forty."

"You are shameless," said Eric with a shake of his head but couldn't help the smile that came to his lips.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," said Sami, opening her eyes wide.

"You couldn't be more obvious if you organised a sky writer," commented Eric wryly.

"And you're still not getting the message," said Sami flatly, at last giving up on playing the innocent.

"You don't want me to leave the mansion," stated Eric.

"I've gotten used to having you around," said Sami defensively, "You've been out of town for so long I'm enjoying the fact that you are back in Salem."

"I'll still be in Salem," pointed out Eric gently.

"But you won't be down the hall from me," complained Sami unhappily, "Don't you like living with me again? What about the twins, they love their Dunk and would miss you terribly Eric. And what about this new baby, don't you want to be around when he or she is born? You weren't here for any of my children being born yet."

"Okay we're entering into the emotional blackmail phase of this campaign are we?" asked Eric indulgently.

"I've just like having you around," said Sami, looking suddenly emotional, "I don't know, you make me feel... safe I guess... and loved knowing that you are there for me."

"Sami," sighed Eric, putting his arms around her and drawing Sami into a tight embrace, resting his chin on the top of her head, "I'll always be there for you, no matter what or where I am."

"I know," said Sami shakily, "But it's just not the same not having you right there."

"Hey you know you've got that big husband who loves you hopelessly," said Eric, "Doesn't EJ make you feel safe and loved?"

"Of course he does," said Sami quickly, her face still buried against her brother's chest, "But you're my twin, it's different kind of love."

"I love you too sis," said Eric quietly, tightening his hold on her.

"Besides," said Sami, hugging him back, "I've got to protect you."

"From what?" asked Eric with a little laugh.

Sami didn't immediately respond to that and Eric knew immediately what she was thinking.

"I don't need protecting from Nicole," said Eric calmly.

"Everyone needs protection from Nicole," said Sami dourly, pulling back from their embrace and looking decidedly unhappy at the mention of the other woman's name, "She scurries into town just like the rats that carry the bubonic plague only not as attractive!"

"It was actually the fleas on the backs of the rats that caused the bubonic plague," said EJ in amusement.

"Even more fitting," sniffed Sami, "She doesn't deserve to be classified as a mammal. Blood sucking insect is much more her style."

"You know if I can forgive Nicole for her past actions I don't see why you can't," said Eric calmly.

"Never!" vowed Sami and then looked at him with great concern, "You haven't actually forgiven that money grabbing tramp have you? After what she did to you?"

"I had to let it go Sami," said Eric sensibly, "I couldn't stay in that dark place forever. It happened and it's over, we're both different people now."

"Oh yes," said Sami sarcastically, "She's fresh from attempting to kill off the last idiot who married her and is undoubtedly looking for her next sucker!"

"Thanks for that," said Eric in annoyance, "I know what I'm doing Sami."

"No you don't!" argued Sami, "All of your blood goes south around that stick insect!"

"You know you could give me a little credit Sami," said Eric, folding his arms in front of his chest, "I thought you of all people would be a bit more sympathetic about this, all things considered."

"What does that mean?" asked Sami defensively.

"It means you and EJ had somewhat of a... shall we say rocky start to things," said Eric, giving her a pointed look, "If I'd been in town I would have kicked his ass for what went on between you two in the beginning. I know you've worked it all out and I accept that and that's my point Sami. I know how things used to be for you two and I see what you have now and it shows me that people can change."

"EJ and I are completely different to you and Nicole!" said Sami hotly.

"Not really Sami," said Eric, "You had a lot of issues but you worked past them and I think that's great. I didn't know EJ back then but I really like the man I know today. I like how he is with you and I love how happy he makes you."

"But Nicole won't make you happy!" protested Sami in despair, "She's never made you happy!"

"Yes she did sis," said Eric firmly, "You may not want to hear that but back in the day we had some good times."

"Followed by a mountain of crud!" exclaimed Sami, "That is how that jackal works – lures men in with some good times and then lowers the boom on them! She'd done it to every man she's ever been involved with and I will be damned if I let her hurt you again!"

"It's not up to you Sami," said Eric determinedly, "I don't know what if anything the future holds for me and Nicole but whatever it is it will be my decision and I don't want you interfering with that."

"Fat chance!" snorted Sami, "If you are too stupid to get out of the way of an oncoming freight train of pain then it's my job to stop it!"

"It's your job to support me," said Eric firmly, "Like I do with you."

"But I'm not being an ass!" said Sami with a roll of her eyes, "You are and that means that if you don't have enough common sense... OHH!"

Sami stopped suddenly and clutched her side, interrupting her own heated comment.

"Sami?" asked Eric, instantly forgetting about their fight and going over to her, putting a concerned hand on her back, "What is it? Is it the baby?"

"No," she said with a grimace, seeming to be trying to catch her breath, "I just had a stitch all of a sudden, it's nothing."

"You mean like that raging anaemia is nothing?" asked Eric with a decided note of censure in his voice, "Come on sit down."

He guided her to a nearby bus stop bench and made Sami sit down, pulling out his phone as he did.

"What are you doing?" asked Sami in horror.

"I'm calling EJ," said Eric, already beginning to dial the number.

"Don't you dare Eric!" she said, swatting the phone away from his ear, "Are you crazy? I said it was just a little stitch."

"A stitch like a cramp you mean?" he argued back, "I'm not taking any chances here Sami."

"I've been traipsing around the city," she said with a roll of her eyes, "I guess I'm a little out of shape seeing as I haven't been to the gym since before the wedding. It was just a tiny twinge and now it's gone... see?"

Sami stood up and gave Eric a reassuring look. He searched her face, trying to see past any kind of deceit on her behalf but found none. Sami was a good liar but Eric could always tell when she was being less than truthful, she had always found it hard to lie to him.

"I promise you Eric," she said earnestly, "It was less than nothing, just caught me off guard is all. Do you really think I'd endanger this pregnancy in anyway if I thought it was something more? This is my third pregnancy, I know what a twinge is compared to a problem pain by this stage particularly as I only gave birth a little over a year ago. Trust me okay, I couldn't be more fine although..."

She trailed off and looked suddenly forlorn and Eric knew she was about to work an angle with him and Sami didn't disappoint.

"Although if you really are worried about me then I guess you've got no choice other than sticking around," said Sami innocently, "At the mansion."

"Sami!" groaned Eric, leaning back against the bench and looking up at her in exasperation, "This is emotional blackmail!"

"Damn straight it is!" agreed Sami unapologetically, "And there is plenty more where that came from. You may as well give in Eric; you know I'm relentless about the things I really want. Remember the GI Joe incident?"

"Yes," he groaned, remembering it well in fact.

They had been six and Sami had wanted to borrow GI Joe to go out on a date with her Barbie. Eric at the time thought that all girls were icky, even plastic ones and had refused. In the end Sami had held his beloved teddy bear for ransom until she'd gotten her way, sending him his bow tie of a warning of worse things to come. Eric had learnt early on that if he was going to go up against his sister he had better be prepared for a fight to the death... and to hide Mr BeeBee in a safer place.

"So does that mean you'll stay?" asked Sami hopefully and Eric had to admit that she had a hard face to say no to when she turned on the charm, "It would mean the world to me and EJ and the twins and Mom and..."

"Alright, alright," laughed Eric, holding up his hands and standing up, "I give in. I'll stay until the latest DiMera/Brady makes his or her appearance but after that I'm going to move out. How does that sound?"

"Like I've got eight months to talk you out of leaving again," said Sami cheekily, throwing her arms around Eric's neck gleefully, "Thank you Eric, thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"Yeah well," grumbled Eric, pretending to be miffed, "You've got me worried about the Granny Killers now. You know I do think I saw a hint of madness in that little old ladies' eyes now that you mention it. But then it could have just been the reflection of my sister's crazy I suppose."

"You'll thank me for this in the end," said Sami, ignoring his comment, "Besides technically one half of the flamingos are yours seeing as they were a birthday present from John to us so there would be no room for four flamingos in any of those places. I don't think they even allow pets."

"If they did I'm pretty confident I'd be the first person applying for approval to house a flamboyance of flamingos," said Eric wryly, "Actually I was thinking I'd trade you the flamingos for Roger when I do go."

"Dream on!" said Sami with another snort as she took his arm and they began to walk back along the street together to his car, "There is no way you can have Roger. How about Rolf instead?"

"Not the same," said Eric dryly.

"What about if I dress him up in a little vest?" asked Sami playfully.

"That is such a disturbing mental image that now I've got a cramp," said Eric, looking suddenly horrified.

He smiled down at Sami then, pleased to see how happy she was right then.

"I'm glad I'm staying," he said softly.

"Me too," she grinned back at him, "Me too."

"I do not believe that the accident of birth makes people sisters and brothers. It makes them siblings. Gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood are conditions people have to work at. It's a serious matter. You compromise, you give, you take, you stand firm, and you're relentless...And it is an investment. Sisterhood means if you happen to be in Burma and I happen to be in San Diego and I'm married to someone who is very jealous and you're married to somebody who is very possessive, if you call me in the middle of the night, I have to come."

_~Maya Angelou~_


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter ELEVEN**** – ****Payback is a Bitch**

Eric wiped the sweat from his brow with his shirt and took a swig of his water as he walked up from the gym room after a heavy work out session. He always found that a bit of exercise helped to clear his mind and besides, he had the rare pleasure of having the place to himself with everyone else being out. Eric had given in yesterday to Sami's pleas to stay and truth be told he wasn't that upset about it. He'd been away in Seattle for quite a few years now and it was kind of nice being amongst family again, even with their eccentricities. A knock on the door halted him halfway up the stairs to have a shower and he turned back around to go and answer it. Eric's eyes widened a little bit at seeing who it was.

"Hey," he said with an easy smile that belied a slight hesitation on his behalf.

"Hey," responded Tracy with an answering smile.

The two men looked at each other, the awkwardness of the Nicole situation hanging between them.

"How's things?" asked Eric, breaking the brief silence.

"Fine," said Tracy and looked him up and down, "Been working out?"

"Yup," nodded Eric.

Another pause.

"Okay so I'm just going to come out and say it," said Tracy, pulling a bit of a face, "Nicole and I have been on a couple of dates."

"That's nice," said Eric evenly even though there were some definite feelings of jealousy there but then he really like Tracy and he still didn't know exactly how he felt about Nicole.

Confused mainly.

"We're not going to go out again," Tracy informed him, shifting a little uncomfortably from one foot to the other.

"You're not?" asked Eric in surprise and cursed himself at how happy that thought made him, "Who decided that?"

"I did," admitted Tracy.

"I hope that wasn't because of me," frowned Eric, not really sure what kind of commitment he wanted to make to Nicole, if any, "Nicole and I never talked about being exclusive or anything."

"It was but it wasn't your fault," said Tracy ruefully, "After five minutes with Nicole I quickly realised she's not over you. Every conversation we had always ended up back with you. I mean I like you and all man but I don't want to date you if you know what I mean?"

"Oh," said Eric in surprise, "I don't know what to say. Nicole and I haven't exactly talked about things."

"I think you two crazy kids better work out what it is exactly you want and then deal," suggested Tracy dryly, "But my mother didn't raise no idiot and I'm staying well clear of it. The fall out from your sister alone if you go ahead and get serious with Nicole is going to be worth selling tickets to."

"Sami does hate Nicole," agreed Eric distractedly, his thoughts more on what Tracy had just told him.

"That's kind of an understatement," said Tracy wryly, "Nicole filled me in on some history between all of you, it's pretty riveting stuff. Honestly, you could be your very own soap opera."

"We've had our moments," said Eric in amusement.

"So are we cool now?" asked Tracy, "No hard feelings or weirdness?"

"No man," smiled Eric, "We're cool."

"Great," said Tracy happily and held up a six pack of beer, "Because I thought we'd catch the game this afternoon on that kick ass TV of yours – I bought the refreshments."

"Now that sounds like a plan," Eric grinned, stepping back to let the other man in the door, "I've just got to take a shower first."

"No problem," said Tracy, "I'll raid the kitchen for some snacks."

Tracy looked around himself then and then back at Eric.

"Where is everyone?" he asked curiously, "Don't tell me you are the only one home?"

"Sure am," grinned Eric as he started up the stairs, "All the inmates are on day release."

Tracy had to laugh at that.

"There are bags of pretzels on the counter that Sami bought yesterday and if you want to pop some popcorn I'll be down in a minute," said Eric, "The game doesn't start for another fifteen."

"I'm on it," said Tracy as he headed off to the kitchen.

He easily found the pretzels Eric had been talking about and the bags of microwave popcorn. On the way to the microwave he stopped in front of Rolf's beloved pantry and looked at it curiously.

"Ah the forbidden cupboard of mystery," he mused to himself, "I wonder just what your deal is exactly?"

Now if Tracy had been a little less preoccupied with being intrigued about the forbidden cupboard he might have noticed what was going on behind him in the living room and the impending crisis could have been averted. Unfortunately though, being male, he found it hard to concentrate on more than one thing at a time thus allowing disaster to quietly sidle into the room behind him and make it way up the stairs to a confrontation that had been brewing for over a week now. Eric, blissfully aware of the tragic turn his life was about to take was happily soaping himself up in a nice steaming shower, even singing away merrily to a popular tune – Sir Mixalot's, "Baby Got Back".

Ah the ecstasy of ignorance.

Eric had just gotten through a rousing version of the chorus and was about to belt out the second verse when he had this sudden feeling that he was no longer alone. He looked over his shoulder, trying to peer through the steam filled room. As he did Eric noticed the bathroom door slowly swing open in a very Stephen King moment. Eric squinted into the steam, trying to see who was there.

"Tracy?" he called out – a disturbing thought but there was no one else that it could be.

Eric would think about that moment in retrospect and realise just how much he wished it actually had been Tracy rather than the horrible alternative it turned out to be. There was no answer to his enquiry and Eric frowned, wondering what was going on. Suddenly there was this scrapping, clicking noise that seemed to be moving exorably closer to him but still he couldn't see anyone.

"Hello?" he said uncertainly, the shower still running and soap clinging to his body as all thoughts of washing it off left him, "Who's there?"

Suddenly, like a scene from 'Gorilla's in the Mist' his uninvited guest emerged from the steam but instead of gorilla's, think peacock.

"Smokey!" exclaimed Eric in horror, beyond shocked to see the large bird standing there by the shower, looking at him with those beady black eyes of his and cutting off the only escape route Eric had open to him.

For one beautifully horrific moment the two players stared at one another – the tortured and the torturer – their roles about to be reversed.

And then… well then all hell broke loose.

Tracy was pouring the freshly popped popcorn into a bowl when he first heard the screams. It was so unexpected that he got a fright and the popcorn ended up being thrown all over the room at the blood curdling cries coming from upstairs. Without thinking about it Tracy bolted upstairs towards where the screaming was still coming from. He burst into the bathroom to see the most amazing sight he would ever see in his entire life. Eric in the shower, trying to defend himself from a wet and vengeful peacock which you had to admit was a pretty big ask when you were naked at the time. Eric was currently squirting shampoo at Smokey in a desperate attempt to get him to back off, not wanting to put any part of his body in easy reach of the enraged peacock. His plan was having limited success though as Smokey pecked and scratched at Eric until finally Eric gave up and turned around, pressing his front against the far wall of the tiled shower wall in a desperate attempt to protect his most precious assets from the rampaging avian.

"Help me!" screamed Eric over his shoulder to a dumb struck Tracy.

"Ah," hesitated Tracy, trying to work out what would actually help here, "Shoo, shoo!"

"Be more helpful then that!" yelled a distraught Eric as his backside took the full brunt of Smokey's fury.

"Right," said Tracy, stealing himself and taking the bull by the horns or in this case the peacock by the tail feathers.

Tracy yanked on Smokey's still impressive tail despite the singeing and pulled the maniacal creature from the shower recess. Smokey gave him a death stare for that which made Tracy promptly drop his tail and take a step back, hands up in a placating fashion.

"Listen man," he said hurriedly, "That whole fishing expedition in your butt was for a good cause and besides, I barely had anything to do with it. And we are all very, very sorry – right Eric?"

Eric just groaned his answer, still highly traumatised by Smokey's revenge. Smokey eyed him up and down, seeming to take in what Tracy had said but not looking overly convinced by neither Tracy's protestations of innocence nor his claims of contrition. Nonetheless the bird decided he'd obviously achieved what he'd come for and with a last disdainful look he strutted out of the bathroom, wet tail dragging heavily behind him and leaving the two traumatised men to their own devices.

"That bird is insane!" declared Tracy in an awed whisper after he was sure the peacock was out of earshot.

"You don't need to tell me that!" gritted out Eric, still in the shower recess, his front pressed to the tiles.

Eric put a hand out and gingerly felt his backside.

"Is it bad?" he asked Tracy weakly whose face was screwed up in sympathetic empathy at the other man's plight.

"I'm no expert on peacock inflicted wounds," said Tracy with a grimace, "Or men's asses for that matter but that looks pretty bad man, I think we need to go and see a doctor."

"Great," groaned Eric, "How am I going to explain this?"

"We'll worry about that when we are at the hospital – here," Tracy picked up a towel and went to hand it to Eric to cover himself with as he reached over and turned off the shower.

Unfortunately that act of consideration ended in more tragedy when Tracy slipped on all of the shampoo Eric had been fending Smokey off with and grabbed for the first thing he could find to try and stabilise himself with which unfortunately just happened to be Eric. Both men went down in a grunting heap, with Eric landing on top of Tracy who was on his back on the bathroom floor. Tracy looked up at the naked Eric who was stretched out on top of him and both men didn't speak for a long moment.

"I was hoping to bond with you today but this _so_ wasn't what I had in mind," said Tracy straight faced.

"It goes without saying that we are never going to speak of this moment again right?" asked Eric, just as straight faced.

"Oh definitely without saying," said Tracy grimly, "Now do you think you can remove your boy bits from my boy bits without this moment becoming any more awkward then it already is?"

"It is my sole life's goal in this moment Tracy," said Eric, deadly serious.

Fifteen minutes later Tracy was grimacing as he watched Eric make his way painfully towards his car. He left the back seat door open and went to help his friend.

"Do you want me to carry you?" offered Tracy, trying to be helpful and expedite the painfully slow progress Eric was making.

"You mean like we just had our honeymoon and now you're carrying me over the threshold?" asked Eric flatly, giving him an unimpressed look at that suggestion considering how up close and personal they'd just gotten .

"Point taken," said Tracy, pulling a face, "I'll just leave you to it then."

Eventually Eric made it to the car but shook his head.

"I'm not sitting in the back seat," he declared, slamming the opened door shut and moving towards the passenger seat door.

"I thought you might not be able to sit on your butt," said Tracy, "You know, after the um… incident."

"Can you do me a favour and never think about my butt again?" asked Eric grimly as he painfully manoeuvred himself into the car seat.

"With great pleasure," agreed Tracy quickly before closing the door behind the other man and walking around to get into the driver's seat of his car.

He looked across at Eric and the weird face he was making.

"Are you alright Eric?" he asked in concern.

"I've just been violated by a peacock so I'm thinking no, I'm not alright!" Eric snapped, "So just drive me to a hospital so they can give me lots of wonderful mind numbing drugs so I can forget any of this ever happened okay?"

"I'd like some of that action," agreed Tracy readily as he started the car and pulled away into the sweeping driveway of the mansion grounds and headed towards the street.

As he drove to the gate Tracy couldn't help shake his head.

"I can't believe Smokey did this to you," he said in disbelief, "First Joseph and now you – that thing is out of control."

"He brought it all on himself," grumbled Eric as she managed to hold himself so that his backside wasn't actually sitting on the seat, using his legs and back to brace himself, "If he hadn't have swallowed those rings in the first place we wouldn't have needed to retrieve them!"

"He doesn't seem like a creature you can reason with," pointed out Tracy, "At least he seems to have given me a free pass."

"Oh I'm so thrilled to hear that," said Eric, sounding anything but.

"Yeah," said Tracy as he rounded the last curve before he was at the gate, "I think I dodged a real bullet theeRRRAAAHH!"

Tracy's relief was cut short when he happened to glance in the rear vision mirror only to see a pair of cold black eyes looking back at him. Too late Tracy realised that Smokey had managed to sneak into the back seat of his car when he'd left the door open and neither he nor Eric had noticed. The sight of Smokey sitting back there as large as life and twice as evil was as surprising as it was just plain wrong. Tracy jerked the wheel without thinking, in an ill fated and poorly thought out attempt to get away from Smokey which meant that he promptly drove his car into one of the large trees that lined the DiMera mansion driveway.

Fortunately he wasn't going at a great speed but it was enough to crumple the front of his car and for Tracy to bang his head on the steering wheel. Both men took a moment to recover from the shock of what had just happened. Smokey meanwhile just clambered out the open window of Tracy's back seat, making sure to scratch it up as much as he could and then he literally sauntered off to revel in his victory. He had righted the wrongs of this world and had shown the mutant flamingos just who exactly was the boss! They'd think twice before going anywhere near his back passage again, that was for sure.

"Are you alright?" asked Eric shakily, looking over at his friend.

"I think so," said Tracy unevenly.

"Dude you're bleeding," Eric informed him.

Tracy put a shaking hand to his forehead and winced as he touched it and withdrew his fingers, looking at the blood.

"Damn," he muttered and then peered out the window to take in the damage done to his car, "Damn."

"I don't think it's that bad but you can't drive it," said Eric, moving a little uncomfortably.

He'd been spared any further damage because of the way he'd already been kind of bracing himself to avoid putting his backside to the seat so he hadn't suffered too much at the impact.

"Now we both need to go to the hospital," he grimaced, "But I don't think you should drive Tracy, you might have a concussion."

"Time to call in reinforcements," said Tracy groggily as he reached for his cell phone.

"Whoa!" said Eric, grabbing his arm, "You can't tell anyone about this – there will be too many questions!"

"Chill," said Tracy, "I've got it."

Tracy dialled a number and put the cell phone to his ear, waiting for the person to pick up.

"At least the air bags didn't go off," he commented, trying to find something positive to say about all this.

Just then both front air bags suddenly deployed, slamming Eric and Tracy in the face.

"You just couldn't leave well enough alone could you?" asked Eric flatly, his voice muffled by the air bag.

"Damn!" growled Tracy as the person finally picked up.

"Hello?"

"911 Joe," he said flatly, "We've got a situation here..."

**...****...**

Joseph jumped up from his seat as Tracy walked back into the ER waiting room, a fresh piece of white plaster on his head.

"Oh honey bunny are you alright?" fretted Joseph, hurrying over to him and giving him a big hug.

"I'm fine Joe," nodded Tracy and smiled down at the man, "They checked for a concussion and I'm okay. Thanks for coming and getting Eric and me."

"Of course I came!" he declared, "My darlings needed me!"

"I still can't believe that one bird can do that much damage," said Tracy with a bemused shake of his blonde hair.

"I can," said Joseph darkly and unconsciously pulled at his pants a little, "This Santa still wakes up in a cold sweat at being on the wrong end of that beak!"

"How's Eric?" asked Tracy in concern.

"I'm still waiting to hear about Boo," said Joseph worriedly, "But I did get your car towed for you like you asked while I was waiting."

"Thanks Joe," smiled Tracy, "You're a champ."

"Hello?"

They both turned to see a nurse smiling up at them.

"Are you with Eric Brady at all?" she asked them.

"Yes we are," nodded Tracy.

"You can go on through and see him now," she told them, "The doctor is with him."

"Thank you dear," smiled Joseph and the two men walked into the room where she'd indicated to find Eric very carefully pulling on his shirt, his belt still undone.

"Oh Boo!" cried Joseph emotionally and threw himself at him, wrapping his arms around the younger man, "You look terrible!"

"Oww OWWW!" exclaimed Eric, pulling away a little at Joseph's emotional embrace, "Careful Joe, I hurt in places that I didn't know I had before now!"

"Sorry darling," he apologised sheepishly before looking over at the doctor with great concern, "Is he going to be alright?"

"He will be fine," smiled the doctor, "I'm Doctor Wells by the way or Cory if you prefer."

"Hello Cory," smiled Tracy at the attractive older woman, "So everything is fine then, really?"

"It seems you've both been in the wars somewhat," noted Cory, taking in Tracy's plastered forehead.

"We were in a car accident," said Tracy.

"I thought you said you were attacked by birds?" Cory quizzed them, arching a sceptical eyebrow at Eric, clearly finding that an unlikely scenario.

"It was just one bird and I was in the shower," said Eric, "A peacock."

"A peacock attacked you in a shower?" repeated Cory, her eyebrows shooting even higher at this highly unlikely tale.

"I know it sounds crazy but I was there and I saw it," nodded Tracy, "And then the peacock was in the car as well and that is why I crashed it."

Cory looked between the two men steadily, having worked causality for too many years to find this story to be all that surprising – original perhaps but not surprising. She'd heard it all – 'I was vacuuming in the nude and it just kind of got stuck', 'I accidentally sat on the turnip – honestly'. They always had a story.

"Listen guys," she said patiently, "You don't have to make up wild excuses for my benefit. Whatever you chose to do in the privacy of your own home is fine with me but if you're going to go with the rough stuff can I suggest that you work out a safe word before things get too out of hand like this."

"Mine is daffodil," announced Joseph happily and rather unhelpfully Eric thought.

Eric and Tracy looked at each other in horror before both shook their heads at the doctor wildly.

"Oh no, it wasn't like that-"

"We're not together, trust me – it was a peacock-"

They both spoke over the top of each other in their haste to correct the doctor's assumption.

"Look I'm not bothered," said Cory easily, holding up a hand to stop their hurried attempts at explanations, "But you just need to be a bit more careful when you're going at it otherwise you will end up really hurting one another."

"We are not a couple!" said Eric urgently, "We're not gay-"

"Not that there is anything wrong with that," interjected Tracy.

"No," agreed Eric with an emphatic nod of his head, "But we're not – I mean, we're both dating the same girl for one thing!"

Cory looked over at the Joseph who even in a crisis was highly manicured and coifed and beautifully turned out.

"Oh how I wish!" said Joseph with a wave of his hand at seeing her look, "But thank you so much for thinking of me honey."

"You know what I think?" asked Eric flatly.

"That we should give up trying to get out of this situation with any of our dignity still intact?" asked Tracy stoically.

"Oh yeah," nodded Eric just as stoically, "That ship has sailed, no doubt."

"Come on you two," said Joseph, delighted to get a chance to mother hen them, "Let's get you both home and into bed, you both need a good lie down after all this excitement."

Tracy looked at Eric, Eric looked at Tracy and the two of them just gave up.

"Okay," they chorused, too sore and shell shocked to argue anymore.

"But we're stopping by a liquor store on the way," Tracy informed him, "I want to finish this day in an alcoholic haze of oblivion."

"Count me in!" said Eric, sticking his hand up and wincing at the pain the simple movement caused.

"Sorry gentlemen," said Cory calmly and looked at Eric, "I've just given you pain medication and you-"

She looked at Tracy then.

"You have just had a head injury so there is definitely no alcohol for either of you today," she said firmly.

Both men groaned but Cory wasn't to be swayed on the subject.

"No alcohol," she said determinedly as she walked to the door and then smiled kindly at them just before she left, "Perhaps you two could just cuddle instead – that's what my husband and I like to do when we've had a bad day."

With that she left them to it and Eric and Tracy just looked at each other.

"Don't even think about it," said Tracy flatly, holding Eric's gaze steadily.

"Don't flatter yourself," said Eric with a twist of his lips, "You've gotten as much action out of me as you are ever going to get after that shower thing."

"Excuse me?" asked Joseph, his ears pricking up, "What shower thing? Are you two holding out on me? I want details!"

Eric and Tracy looked at one another and groaned yet again.

**...****...**

EJ carried the twins into the living room later that afternoon and deposited them on the floor. As he did he noticed a wet peacock feather which he picked up and looked at in confusion.

"EJ there is popcorn everywhere here in the kitchen!" called out Sami to him.

She'd gone straight there to get the hungry twins something to snack on and found the mess left by Tracy.

"Do you know anything about that?" she asked, looking at him in puzzlement as she came out of the kitchen only to see him standing in the living room, the twins dragging themselves up on his legs, a peacock feather in his hand and a thoughtful expression on his face.

"No," he said slowly and twirled the peacock feather between his fingers.

"Did one of the twins bring that in?" she asked him, walking over to where he was standing.

"No," said EJ again, still looking at the feather and then back at Sami, "Call me crazy sweetheart but I have this strange feeling that the popcorn and the peacock feather are related."

Sami and EJ looked at each other and then as one came to the same conclusion.

"_Smokey!"_


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter TWELVE**** – ****Something Evil This Way Comes**

_EJ's heart was pumping fit to burst, his long legs sprinting the distance but all the while fearing he was too late, the notion horrifying him as he renewed his efforts, desperate to get there in time... desperate to stop this impending horror..._

**...****...**

Sami walked in with the twins toddling on either side of her, ready for their breakfast. Sami's eyes widened in horror at the scene in front of her.

"John NO!" she screamed, making both of the twins give a little start beside her.

John looked up from where he was about to plunge a knife into the toaster and eyed Sami in vague annoyance.

"It's too early for shouting," he informed her coolly before going back to the toaster with his knife.

Sami hurriedly made it to the plug in the wall and pulled it out of the socket, glaring at him.

"That's incredibly dangerous John!" she chastised him, really frightened as to what might have happened if she'd been even a few seconds later coming into the room.

"Relax wild cat," said John blithely and holding up the knife, "It's just a butter knife, no sharp bits."

"You cutting yourself wasn't my concern," she said in exasperation, "Don't you know anything about electricity John?"

"I know how long you have to clamp a battery to someone's nipples before they'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know," said John casually.

"Oh god," Sami groaned as she picked up each twin and put them in their high chair, "Your daddy is going to have to work forever to pay for your therapy bills guys."

"Narna," said Johnny, clearly unconcerned about future therapy bills as he was hungry now, "Tah."

Sami smiled down at him and ruffled his hair before looking over at Ali.

"Would you like a narna too missy?" she asked her daughter to which Ali gave a vigorous nod of her head.

Sami set about getting the twins the breakfast, eyeing John warily as he was working hard at the now unplugged toaster with the knife.

"Is some bread jammed down there?" asked Sami as John worked away.

"Why would there be bread jammed in it?" asked John, looking at Sami in confusion.

"Ah – because it is a toaster?" offered up Sami with a roll of her eyes.

"Making assumptions like that will get you in trouble wild cat," John noted before going back to the toaster.

"Sticking a knife in a toaster will get you in trouble as well John," said Sami flatly, "So if it isn't bread you are trying to get out, what is it?"

"A quarter," said John distractedly, still fiddling away with it.

"A quarter?" repeated Sami in confusion, "Why would there be a quarter in the toaster?"

"Why do we call the letter 'w' double u when clearly it is a double v?" John turned back on her, "Life is one great long mystery."

Sami opened her mouth to respond to him but then closed it again as she realised that she didn't know the answer to his question, suddenly wondering about it herself.

EJ walked through the door then, running shoes in his hand.

"Daddy!" proclaimed Ali excitedly at seeing him although EJ had helped her and Johnny get dressed already that morning.

"Ali!" responded EJ with a laugh, mimicking her enthusiasm.

"Narna," declared Johnny who was still waiting for the requested fruit.

"Alright here is your narna," said Sami handing it to him as he wiggled excitedly.

"Tank you," he said politely before immediately beginning to devour it.

"And how are you this fine morning Uncle?" asked EJ.

"Weird," said Sami flatly, answering for him.

"Ignore her," John instructed him, "She's just in a mood."

"I wasn't before I walked into and found you trying to kill yourself," said Sami putting her hands on her hips.

"My but we have started early today haven't we?" asked EJ wryly.

"Are you saying I'm over reacting to John trying to electrocute himself?" asked Sami, her lips thinning in annoyance.

"No of course not," said EJ quickly.

"I've read about this," said John in a loud whisper to EJ, "Hormones – they get reactionary when they are hatching."

"Excuse me?" said Sami, her eyes widening in outrage, "I'm not a chicken John and I'm not reactionary!"

"Perhaps we should start again?" suggested EJ, trying to keep the peace.

"Are you on his side with this?" asked Sami angrily.

"Are there sides?" asked EJ in confusion.

"There are always side EJ," Sami informed him in displeasure.

"Then it goes without saying that I'm on yours darling if that is the case," said EJ with a bright smile.

"What if Wildcat wanted to sell boy baby on the black market?" offered up John conversationally, "Would you be on her side then?"

"I would never do something like that!" exclaimed Sami in horror before giving him a cross look, "And if I was going to sell anyone in this family it wouldn't be the twins!"

"I know," said John and gave an almost empathetic nod, "Rolf can be pretty frustrating at times but do you think there is a market for aging mad scientists?"

"Why do we live here?" asked Sami, looking up at EJ despairingly.

"Because it's surprising difficult to find a place that can house us, a cat, a monkey, an albino peacock and all of those flamingos," said EJ straight faced.

"You kids wouldn't survive without me," said John confidently, "I'm your rock."

"Yeah," Sami muttered as she poured out a juice each for the twins in their respective sippy cups, "The one that is tied around our ankles and dragging us to the bottom of the Salem river."

"So the boys are coming around to play some football this morning," said EJ, "He said trying to change the subject into less choppy waters."

He looked down at Sami.

"Will that be alright sweetheart?" he asked with a smile.

"Of course EJ," said Sami with a half smile, forgetting her ire at John in face of EJ's sweetness, "You don't have to ask my permission."

"I just don't want you over doing anything," said EJ seriously, "I'm still not happy with how underweight you are Samantha."

"Wear more clothes," offered up John helpfully as he went back to his quarter hunt, "That way you'll weigh more."

"Ignore him," EJ advised.

"I'm trying," said Sami in exasperation, "And you don't need to worry about me EJ – the twins and I will come down and watch you guys play. Johnny loves to kick around the soccer ball, he gets so excited."

"My very own cheering squad," said EJ with a grin and then gave Sami a saucy look, "And will you be wearing those little skirts and shaking your pom poms for me darling?"

"Soccer doesn't have cheerleaders," Sami reminded him with a laugh.

"True," he agreed ruefully, "And it's probably just as well – such a sight would distract me no end."

EJ glanced down at his watch and pulled a face.

"I've just got a couple of phone calls to make to clear my morning," he said, "I'm expecting Roman Two, Tracy and Joseph plus Eric of course."

"Joseph is going to play soccer?" asked Sami with an arched eyebrow.

"Actually I believe it was he who first suggested shaking his pom poms while we train," said EJ wryly.

"Well that should be entertaining," said Sami with a giggle.

"Where Joseph is concerned it's always a party," agreed EJ ruefully.

"When you make your phone call don't forget you promised to sort out that parking ticket of mine," Sami reminded him as EJ walked out of the kitchen into the living room.

"I'm on it," said EJ with a smile over his shoulder.

"What is this?" asked John curiously.

"Oh I parked in a no parking zone because Ali was having a fit about a dirty diaper and I had to find somewhere to change her quickly," said Sami, still vaguely annoyed by the incident, "I wasn't even there five minutes but some parking attendant caught me and wouldn't listen to reason."

"And he fined you?" asked John calmly.

"Yes," said Sami in annoyance.

"If you want that parking ticket taken care of then I'm your man," said John.

"You'll pay it for me?" asked Sami in surprise at the offer.

"Well I was going to take the guy out," said John thoughtfully, "So paying the fine seems a bit redundant to me."

"You can't kill the parking attendant John," said Sami, wondering why she'd forgotten that trying to have a normal conversation with John was pointless.

"Why not?" John asked with a shrug, "It's a little known fact that it isn't illegal to kill parking attendants."

"Yes it is!" called out EJ from the other room, clearly listening in while he made his phone calls.

"Just because Elvis say something doesn't make it so," said John coolly.

"Just because you say something doesn't make it so either John," said Sami in frustration, turning his logic back on him.

"But what I say is right," argued John without missing a beat as though that settled everything.

"I'm getting nowhere fast," Sami groaned as the conversation went round and round.

"That's because you're sitting down," said John knowingly.

"Yes," said Sami flatly, "That will be it."

The sound of the door bell and Rolf answering it saved Sami from any further conversation on the subject. Roman Two walked into the kitchen and greeted everyone easily.

"G'day guys," he said with a grin, "Sorry to interrupt breakfast."

"Two!" exclaimed Johnny, clapping his hands together excitedly.

Like many little boys he was always intensely interested in being around big boys.

"Hiya mate," said Roman Two with a grin and ruffled his hair affectionately before smiling at Ali, "Hello princess."

"Narna," Ali informed him proudly, waving around the now mashed fruit.

"Are you eating that or using it as a beauty treatment?" Roman Two teased her as he noted how she'd managed to smear it all over her face.

"I'm figuring at least half of it made it into her mouth so that is good enough for me," said Sami with a quirk of her lips.

"Sounds reasonable," said Roman Two with a nod and chuckle before kissing the top of Sami's head as she was seated at the table, "How's the mum to be?"

"Moody," John answered for her this time.

"Oh go back to your toaster," Sami huffed, "Maybe you'll find the Arc of the Covenant if you dig deep enough."

"Maybe I will," said John said defiantly.

"So early and already a story to be told," noted Roman Two in amusement, "Never a dull moment as always."

"Chance would be a fine thing," Sami grumbled.

Just then Roger scampered into the room and climbed Roman Two like he was a tree.

"Hey there mate," said Roman Two affectionately, "Come where all the action is?"

"He probably wants breakfast," said Sami with a smile, "He knows it is Tuesday. On Tuesday we let him have yoghurt."

"Really?" Roman Two chuckled, "He really is a clever little guy."

"I know it's Tuesday and no one is organising a parade for me," John muttered to himself.

"You're not a monkey John," Sami pointed out with a shake of her head.

"I'm not a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader either," John said logically, "What's your point?"

"I'm not talking to you for the rest of the day," said Sami flatly.

"Yes you are," John argued back.

"No I'm not," said Sami curtly.

"You're talking to me right now," John pointed out to her.

"But I'm not going to for the rest of the day," said Sami in annoyance.

"You're still talking to me," John informed her knowingly.

"OH!" said Sami in exasperation.

Roger meanwhile had decided that he'd waited long enough for his treat. He'd gone to the kitchen drawer and pulled it open and grabbed out his own special green spoon. Roger then clambered back up onto Roman Two's shoulder and looked at him expectantly.

"What did your last servant die of?" asked Roman Two in amusement.

"Not being able to hold his breath for more than three minutes," said John without missing a beat and then when they both stared at him pursed his lips, "Or weren't you talking to me?"

"Sometimes you scare me John," said Sami with a groan.

"You're talking to me again," John pointed out to her, "Perhaps if you said you were going to talk to me then you'd have more luck not talking to me because the other way round seems not to be working."

"Strawberry or apricot?" asked Roman Two quickly as Sami opened her mouth to let John have it.

Roger took matters into his own hands and picked out the strawberry yoghurt from the fridge that Roman Two was holding the door open of.

"Strawberry it is," said Roman Two with a quirk of his lips, "Does he need help to open it?"

"No," said Sami, glad to have something else to focus on other then John right then.

She was trying to keep her blood pressure down, not an easy feat around John. Roger was on the table now, skilfully pulling the tab off the yoghurt and beginning to happily feast way using his little green spoon. Roman Two chuckled to see the cute sight he made.

"So what are your plans for New Years?" asked Roman Two with interest, "Something suitably loud and explosive I hope?"

"New Years?" John queried, at last stopping with the toaster and looking at the other man with intense interest, "Explosive?"

EJ had just finished his phone call and his head snapped up at hearing Roman Two's innocent question and his uncle sudden interest.

Oh god NO!

He leapt from his seat and started to sprint towards the kitchen. EJ's heart was pumping fit to burst, his long legs sprinting the distance but all the while fearing he was too late, the notion horrifying him as he renewed his efforts, desperate to get there in time... desperate to stop this impending horror.

"It's nothing, New Years Eve is nothing!" EJ practically yelled as he burst into the kitchen, startling all of the occupants.

EJ looked at John wide eyed, offering up a prayer that he was going to be believed.

"I don't believe you," said John flatly, eyeing EJ suspiciously, "What's this New Years stuff about Elvis?"

"Oh no," Sami groaned as she and EJ exchanged looks, fearing the same thing.

Christmas and the giant tree had been bad enough, John and fireworks was going to be a recipe for a holocaust.

"New Years," said EJ with what was an attempt at a casual shrug, "It's no big deal really Uncle. People get together, open a few glasses of champagne at midnight – it's nothing."

"You know I'm just going to Google it right?" asked John with a disbelieving arch of his eyebrow as he obviously worked out that EJ wasn't going to be this uptight about something so simple.

"Alright," said EJ in annoyance, "On occasion there might be the slightest chance that welcoming in the New Year might involve a very small number of fireworks."

John's usually expressionless mask was gone as his face slowly lit up at EJ's reluctant explanation.

"Fireworks you say?" he said, his eyes suddenly full of interest, "Tell me more about these fireworks of which you speak."

"I think I may have done a bad thing," said Roman Two pursing his lips thoughtfully.

He sent an apologetic look over at EJ.

"Sorry mate," Roman Two said with a lop sided grin, "But if I promise to bring a fire extinguisher can I get an invite to this shin ding?"

"Sure why not?" said EJ dully as he saw the gleam in his uncle's eye, knowing that there was going to be a party now no matter what he said now, "I've heard misery loves company."


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter THIRTEEN**** – ****Things That Go Thump in the Night**

"And they all lived happily ever after."

EJ looked up from the adventure of 'The Dog That Dug' to discover that both of his children were fast asleep. He smiled tenderly to see the angelic pair they made all curled up together. Ali had insisted on being in Johnny's cot for their nightly story which was usually the way and in the morning Johnny had taken to escaping from his cot and climbing into Ali's so they could play. Sami and EJ didn't mind because it meant they were happy to occupy themselves in the mornings thus giving their parent's a few more minutes of precious alone time.

Very quietly he put down the book and leant over, kissing his son's cheek, his innocent countenance right then belying the fact he'd been a right little horror that night at dinner. In fact EJ still had some pieces of food stuck in his hair from where Johnny had pitched a fit along with his food and his father had taken the brunt of it. Like any child he had his good moments and bad, the good far outweighing the bad usually and it was all part of being a parent anyway.

The two of them had run Sami ragged today though and EJ had taken over the domestic duties ordering Sami to take a long, relaxing bath while he organized the twins. EJ loved spending time with his children and it was hard to kiss them goodbye everyday and go to work so looking after them when he got home was no trial to him. Besides EJ still worried over Sami despite her protestations about being fine. They were working on her diet and EJ was trying to make sure she got enough rest but with energetic twins to chase around after that wasn't always possible.

Johnny didn't even stir as his father kissed him goodnight on his soft cheek and then EJ was gently scooping up his daughter to put her into her cot for the night. Ali snuggled into his chest as EJ carried her to her cot and he had to wonder if there was any better feeling than having the utter trust of a little child. Having your children cuddle you was a joy EJ hadn't expected to feel so deeply. It was something that couldn't really be understood until you had children of your own he decided. He laid Ali carefully down in her cot and drew up the blankets to tuck her in. Her little arms came up and wrapped themselves around his neck as he leant down as she hugged him, still mostly asleep.

"Nigh, nigh Daddy," she mumbled, not even opening her eyes before falling back into a deep sleep.

"Nigh, nigh my sweet girl," said EJ, kissing her forehead with a heart fit to bursting with love for his children.

He straightened up and smiled down at both of his children before quietly backing out of the room and turning off the light, closing the door behind him. The smile abruptly dropped from his face though as EJ turned around to see John standing directly behind him.

"Oh!" he exclaimed in surprise to find him standing there and so close, "You startled me Uncle."

John just stood there, not moving, a typically expressionless look on his face.

"I'm not doing anything and nothing is going on," he declared in that dead pan way of his, "There is nothing to be concerned about."

True to his word his uncle did seem to indeed be doing nothing as he stood their motionless in the middle of the hallway. If only his uncle would stay like that and not be organising a New Year's party for all of their family and friends at the end of the week EJ lamented. He kept breaking out in a cold sweat when he thought about the combination of John and fireworks. Now that John knew about them there was no way to stop the party from happening, EJ was just in damage control mode now.

"Good to know," said EJ dryly, recovering from his initial shock quickly, "Thank you for the update Uncle John."

"No problem," said John in all seriousness, clearly missing EJ's sarcasm.

"You can go now," John summarily dismissed him as EJ's eyebrows arched.

"That was the original plan," said EJ with a roll of his eyes as he was forced to edge around his uncle who seemed determined not to move.

He got past John and sent him a vaguely troubled look before heading back up the hallway to his and Sami's bedroom.

"Well that wasn't weird," he muttered under his breath but the thought of Sami waiting for him in their bedroom chased away thoughts of his uncle.

Seeing as he couldn't smell any smoke and Rolf wasn't screaming to be taken the hospital EJ figured whatever it was could be a problem for another day. He walked into the bedroom and smiled to see Sami already dressed for bed.

"Hello gorgeous," he said with a grin, going over to kiss her.

Sami smelt of rose and bergamot bubble bath she'd just taken and she felt warm and soft in EJ's arms from her long soak in the tub.

"You smell good enough to eat," said EJ, playfully nibbling on her neck.

"Keep that up and you might get the chance," Sami said around a giggle.

EJ lifted his head and smiled down at her for that offer.

"Mm," he said appreciatively, "That does sound like fun."

Sami yawned then and quickly put her hand over her mouth to cover it.

"Tired sweetheart?" asked EJ sympathetically.

"A bit," she admitted reluctantly.

"You should have gone to bed," EJ chided her gently.

"I wanted to wait for you," said Sami with a little pout, "Today was so hectic I don't feel like we got any time together at all."

"The children were rather spirited today," EJ agreed ruefully.

"Did they go down alright?" asked Sami, putting her arms around EJ's waist.

"They did," EJ nodded, "Two Hairy McLarey's and one 'The Dog That Dug' and they were both out like a light."

"Good," Sami sighed and rested her head tiredly on EJ's chest, "Johnny was determined to be a terror today. I don't know what was wrong with him, he's usually so sweet even if full of beans. I hope he isn't coming down with something."

"Maybe he's just cutting new teeth?" offered up EJ, "He always gets a bit upset when that happens."

"Could be," Sami nodded and then looked up at EJ, resting her chin on his chest and having to tilt her head right back to look at him in the eye, "It's going to be fun and games when this new one arrives."

"It will be fine," said EJ confidently, running his fingers through her hair affectionately, "Perhaps they'll all tire each other out and it won't be a bother."

"You're an optimistic guy EJ DiMera," Sami said in amusement as she stifled a yawn.

"You should see how adorably angelic our children look right now," said EJ with a grin.

"They look that way because they are asleep," said Sami ruefully, "Awake the whole image is shattered."

"True," said EJ with a little laugh, "But they are sound asleep now and we can just relax a little bit because there is nothing to worry about."

EJ paused briefly then, remembering his encounter with John in the hallway.

"Except for the fact that I think my uncle is up to something again," said EJ conversationally, "Probably something crazy, illegal or immoral and if we are really unlucky some combination of all three."

"What's he doing?" asked Sami with a resigned sigh.

"Nothing," said EJ knowingly, "Absolutely nothing at all."

"Ohh," said Sami wrinkling her nose, "That sounds bad – a kind of calm before the storm thing."

"That was what I was thinking," said EJ happily, "We are so simpatico the two of us sweetheart."

"Would you like to get even more simpatico Mr DiMera?" asked Sami coyly, smiling up at him rather sexily.

"I don't envisage a time when my answer to that question will be anything other than yahoo!" EJ grinned, waggling his eyebrows at her suggestively.

He moved in to kiss her again but Sami drew back.

"You smell all festy," she said to him teasingly, wrinkling her nose.

Sami reached up and pulled a clump of strained carrot out of his hair.

"And you're wearing the twin's dinner," she told him with a little laugh, "Why don't you make yourself pretty and then we'll have some fun."

"Consider it done," said EJ eagerly, kissing her quickly before hot footing it to the bathroom, the sound of Sami's laughter in his ears at his obvious enthusiasm.

EJ showered quickly but didn't bother about dressing again, happily anticipating not requiring such encumbrances when his luscious wife was waiting for him in their bed. Walking out of the bathroom however found that said wife was currently fast asleep, her tiring day having at last overcome her. EJ gave a rueful grimace but didn't have the heart to disturb the soundly asleep Sami. Instead he tucked her into bed and just like with their children he pressed a soft kiss to her forehead.

Sami didn't even stir, testifying to how tired she must have been. EJ tried not to show it to Sami but he worried over her endlessly and knew he wouldn't rest easy until she'd regained the weight she'd lost in the last few months and her anaemia was fully treated. This pregnancy was going to be a huge strain on her body and EJ didn't know what he would do if anything were to happen to Sami.

"I love you," he whispered to the sleeping Sami and stroked one of her still too pale cheeks tenderly.

Sami looked so relaxed lying there but unfortunately EJ still had a fair amount of pent up energy that he'd planned to use up with his bride and now needed another outlet.

"A run it is then," said EJ with a resigned nod of his head before grabbing some clothes and dressing.

"I'd thought you'd retired for the night," Eric greeted him as EJ walked down the stairs, running shoes in hand.

"Change of plans," said EJ wryly.

"The old flames dimming now that you're married huh?" Eric teased him, "I mean married again that is."

"Nothing is dimming," said EJ and then gave him a pointed look, "And I've already got a John in my life who delights in pointing out things thank you very much."

"Sorry, couldn't resist," said Eric with a chuckle.

"You'll be married one day and you'll see, the shoe will be on the other foot," said EJ with a roll of his eyes as he sat on the step and proceeded to put on his joggers.

"If it is left to my sister I'll never get married," said Eric ruefully.

"That's unfair Eric," EJ tutted, "Samantha is fine with you marrying as long as it isn't Nicole."

"I'm a grown man who has to get his love life vetoed by his twin," said Eric with a sigh.

"You don't have to," pointed out EJ reasonably, "But if you don't you just have to be prepared for Samantha having something to say about it for the rest of your days."

"Kill me now," Eric groaned.

"She just wants you to be happy," EJ said, amused by Eric's dramatics, "Besides is it really that serious between you and Nicole anyway?"

"I don't know," said Eric with a bit of a shrug, "I mean it isn't yet but being around her again-"

Eric pulled a face.

"You think you're over something and then-"

"And then you move back to town," finished EJ dryly, "Proximity can be a real kick in the rattlers at times."

"You're quite the poet aren't you?" commented Eric mockingly.

"I have my moments," agreed EJ, not missing a beat.

"Going for a run?" Eric surmised.

"Thought I may as well," said EJ with a nod.

"Mind if I join you?" he asked.

"Of course not," said EJ, seeing that Eric was already in his gym clothes from a late work out.

"Heard about New Years," said Eric conversationally as he watched EJ finish doing up his joggers, "You know it was bound to happen that John would find out about fire crackers."

"He didn't find out about fire crackers he found out about fireworks," said EJ morosely, "The possibility of injury and burning things to an ashy heap is much great with the latter than the former. And yes, I know it was inevitable but I was rather hoping Samantha, the children and I would all be living in Spain when that happened."

"I'm sure it will be fine," said Eric breezily.

"Really?" asked EJ, standing up.

"No," Eric laughed, "I just thought I'd throw you a bone."

"Cheers for that," said EJ dryly, "And another thing – have you noticed how Uncle John just suddenly appears these days. One moment he's there, next minute he's gone and vice versa."

"You think he's perfected teleportation?" asked Eric straight faced.

"Yes Eric," said EJ sarcastically, "That is exactly what I think."

"Hey it's John," said Eric with a shrug as they walked through the living room out the French doors and into the vast gardens, "Nothing would surprise me anymore."

Oddly enough in a few minutes Eric was going to be forced to eat those words.

The two men started to jog together, the moon was only half full but there was enough light to see where they were going.

"So do you have my back with this New Years thing?" asked EJ as they jogged along through the night.

"Always buddy," said Eric with a sideways grin, "I'm your brother, I'll always have you back but if stuff go down I get dibbsies on uploading the footage to YouTube."

"I fear I may be the only one taking the eminent explosive demise of our family seriously," said EJ with a resigned shake of his head.

"I'm adopting an early New Year's resolution," said Eric happily, "Don't sweat the small staaaaRRRRH!"

"Eric!" cried out EJ in concern as the other man suddenly fell flat on his face.

"Ow," groaned Eric into the grass.

"What happened?" asked EJ, dropping down beside him.

"I stood in a hole," said Eric unhappily as he pushed himself up from the ground and rolled over so he was sitting on the ground.

"Is your ankle alright?" asked EJ with a frown.

"Yeah," said Eric with a grimace, wiggling it around, "No harm done fortunately."

EJ looked over to where Eric had fallen and shook his head.

"Look at the size of that hole," he said in amazement, "It's huge."

Eric leant forward to see what EJ was talking about.

"Which of the menagerie would make a hole like that?" Eric asked quizzically.

"I have no idea," replied EJ as they both stood up and looked at the hole which was two feet wide and at least a foot deep.

Just then something darted out of the bushes and bolted past EJ and Eric in a dark blur.

"Holy hell!" exclaimed EJ, jumping a little bit, "What was that?"

"That is the ugliest dog I've ever seen," said Eric in horror.

"I don't think that was a dog," said EJ but not sounding entirely certain though.

He started to go after it.

"Hold on," said Eric, grabbing his arm.

"We can't let whatever it is roam the grounds," said EJ logically.

"Good point," agreed Eric, "But I've got another one. What if it is venomous?"

"Venomous?" repeated EJ, hesitating momentarily.

"Yes," said Eric emphatically, "Or holds a grudge for no good reason for something that it brought on itself?"

EJ looked at Eric a little askew for that outburst.

"What if it's venomous?" repeated Eric, hoping to throw EJ off asking anymore questions and trying not to look guilty, thoughts of Smokey wrath's still fresh in his mind and unfortunately nether regions.

"We need to know what we're dealing with," said EJ grimly, "And I know exactly who we need to ask."

EJ stormed back into the house, intent on getting some answers.

"UNCLE JOHN!"


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter FOURTEEN**** – ****Don't Ask Don't Tell**

"UNCLE JOHN!"

"Stop yelling," said John, not looking up from the newspaper he was reading in his favourite chair, "You'll wake me."

"You're not asleep uncle," EJ bit out.

"I'm too asleep," John informed him blithely, engrossed in his newspaper, "I'm just dreaming that I'm reading this paper."

"Stop being ridiculous!" EJ snapped in frustration, not about to be distracted from the issue at hand, "And what the devil is out in the gardens now?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," said John coolly, still not looking up from his paper.

"I'll go get a flashlight and something to defend ourselves with," said Eric, throwing a nervous look over his shoulder before hurrying off to the kitchen.

"Why do you do these things?" asked EJ in despair, "Do you delight in torturing me this much?"

John looked up at him then, his face an impassive mask as always.

"I'm not going to lie to you Elvis," he said evenly, "That vein in your forehead does amuse me at times."

"I swear," said EJ through gritted teeth, "If we weren't related sometimes I'd love to just-"

"Shoot me?" offered up John with an arched eyebrow, "Haven't we already been there done that?"

"Are you ever going to let that go?" asked EJ in annoyance, "I've already said I'm sorry on multiple occasions."

"Okay have you found out what it is yet?" asked Eric, returning from the kitchen now, a flashlight in one hand and a long handled fork for carving meat in the other.

"A fork?" said EJ, looking at the other man in disbelief, "Really? We're not going to be dining on whatever it is that is out there you know."

"No one can eat Tina," said John indignantly, "She wouldn't like that."

"So it's a female," said Eric, pleased to be getting some information from the unhelpful John, "Well that's good anyway, females are meant to be less aggressive than males."

John gave a snort at that.

"And they say I'm the one with the brain damage," he said flatly.

"Just tell us what we are up against Uncle John," said EJ determinedly, "We need to get this creature carolled before the twins get up in the morning."

"They wouldn't hurt Tina would they?" asked John, looking unhappy at that thought.

"I'm more worried about the twin's safety uncle," said EJ through gritted teeth.

"You baby those two," said John disapprovingly.

"Maybe that is because they are babies," suggested EJ flatly.

"Hey guys, look," said Eric and EJ turned to see what he was pointing at.

On the other side of the French doors the creature which was creating the entire disturbance was standing on the fringe of the darkness, looking in on them curiously.

"What am I looking at?" asked Eric, mystified.

"That Eric, is an aardvark," said EJ with a heavy sigh.

"Oh," said Eric, nodding slowly, "I guess that explains the long nose."

EJ turned back to look at John.

"Where on earth did you get an aardvark from?" asked EJ in disbelief before muttering to himself, "He said asking a sentence he'd never thought he'd have to utter."

"She followed me home," said John, giving nothing away.

"Where from - Africa?" asked EJ sarcastically.

"Remind me," said Eric, still staring at the latest addition to their menagerie warily, "Aardvarks – dangerous or not?"

EJ looked over at Eric in exasperation.

"That's not really the point Eric," he said firmly.

"It is if I'm going to end up as a cautionary tale on the new Fox special – When Aardvarks Attack," said Eric in annoyance, "I like to know what I'm up against."

"Tina is as sweet as can be," said John in her defence, "She only scratched Rolf twice and bit him once when we were getting her into the car."

"Oh my god you've stolen her from a zoo haven't you?" asked EJ with a groan, coming up with the only explanation that made sense, well some kind of sense, "That's where you were all afternoon wasn't it – you and Rolf out hijacking African mammals?"

"We were just driving by and Tina was at the fence of her enclosure and she looked sad," said John unapologetically, "And I thought she'd be happier living with us."

"A zoo is not like a McDonald's drive through," said EJ through gritted teeth, "And a live aardvark isn't a toy in the bottom of a happy meal Uncle John. We have to return it and pray to God that I can talk them out of pressing charges."

"Like there is a law against relocating aardvarks," John snorted in disbelief.

"There is actually," EJ snapped, "Several in fact and you've broken everyone of them."

"That vein is back," noted John stoically, "You should really do something about that Elvis, it can't be good for you."

A muscle in EJ's jaw ticed wildly as he held in a few choice expletives at that observation.

"She's moving away," Eric commented who hadn't taken his eyes off her the whole time.

"Right," said EJ grimly, "There is no point running around in the dark trying to catch the poor creature. First thing tomorrow I'm going to call the zoo and we are going to catch that aardvark and return it to its rightful habitat."

"Party crapper," said John with a pout, "You never let me have anything cool."

"I think that is pooper," said Eric with a quirk of his lips, "Party pooper John."

"I know what I mean," John grumbled.

**...****...**

EJ glanced at his watch as he heard the doorbell downstairs and was glad that reinforcements were starting to arrive. He'd called Tracy, Roman Two and Joseph to come over and help round up Tina the uninvited aardvark. That was a series of phone calls EJ had never envisaged making before in his life thank you very much Uncle John. He walked over to the bed where Sami was just starting to stir and sat down on it. Sami rolled over and stretched lazily and EJ was unable to stop himself from feeling a flutter of excitement at the sight. If it had been any other day EJ would be in bed with Sami and they'd be taking advantage of the twins habit of sleeping in later these days but thanks to his uncle he had slightly more pressing matters to attend to.

Damn it!

"Hey," said Sami with a sleepy smile, her voice adorably thick with sleep.

"Hey," replied EJ with a smile of his own.

Sami had still been asleep when he'd finally gotten to bed and EJ hadn't fancied waking her just to tell her they had an aardvark roaming the grounds. There was no point both of them worrying after all.

"You're up early," she commented huskily, putting hand out to his chest.

"I've got the boys coming around and we have to do something," said EJ, finding it hard to tear his eyes from his wife's luscious form.

"Wouldn't you rather do something to this girl instead?" Sami asked him throatily, wiggling a little bit in the bed and making her breasts jiggle for EJ's viewing pleasure.

EJ's mouth went dry at the sight and his blood pressure went through the roof.

"Oh god yes," said EJ faintly, his voice hoarse with need for this woman.

EJ somehow managed to drag his eyes from Sami's body to look at her in distress.

"But I really have to do this Samantha," he said unevenly, "It's important."

"I'm sure the boys can wait a few minutes for you EJ," said Sami with a lust filled look at him as she took his hand and guided it between her legs, "But I can't."

EJ gave a low moan as he encountered the wetness already pooling between Sami's legs.

"It drives me crazy when you wake up already so-" started EJ thickly, all thoughts of Tina the aardvark leaving him suddenly.

"Eager?" Sami supplied in satisfaction.

"Yes," EJ growled, unable to help himself from plunging two fingers inside of Sami and beginning to slowly pump them in and out.

A shudder ran through Sami's entire body and her nipples instantly hardened, pushing against the thin silk of the pale pink slip she was wearing. One of Sami's hands moved to her breast, cupping it and arching her back and EJ was done. He didn't care if there was an entire aarmory of aardvarks in the mansion grounds, all he care about was tasting the sweet fruit that Sami was offering him. He groaned loudly and dropped his head, mouth fastening on the turgid nipple straining against the soft material and suckling hard as his tongue caressed the sensitive peak. Sami moaned her encouragement and her body produced fresh moisture in excitement, coating his fingers even more thickly.

It didn't look like too much foreplay was going to be required this time round as EJ jeans became an increasingly painful restriction. His free hand fumbled for his zip, releasing his already straining member from its confines as he moved over Sami. There was no time for removing any clothes and Sami didn't seem to care as EJ hooked her legs up over his bent arms before plunging himself into her without hesitation.

"Yes!" Sami hissed excitedly, scratching at his back through EJ's t-shirt, not protesting his eagerness at all.

EJ couldn't even find the words to ask if he was being too rough as he began to pound himself into her almost frantically. Sami's increasingly loud moans told him he wasn't which was just as well because EJ was finding he couldn't make himself slow down anyway. He had all this pent up sexual frustration from last night and it was coming out in a very desperate rush that EJ simply couldn't stem. Sami was all breathless silk and softness beneath him and it was driving EJ into a frenzy. Sami reached up behind herself and grabbed the rails of the bed head as EJ's strokes became increasingly forceful, a sweat breaking out on his brow.

Sami was making little groaning squeaks every time EJ thrust himself completely into her, her silken heat enveloping him utterly and the noise was causing EJ to go harder, deeper every time. Sami's body was driving him towards a very intense release and EJ could feel it building in his body with relentless force. His hips continued to hammer his hardness into Sami's willing heat, each plunging stroke bringing them both closer to that ultimate peak.

"Oh god," groaned Sami helplessly as her body was the first to give way to the delicious tidal wave of pleasure waiting for them, "EJ!"

Her body began to convulse around his, Sami's hips bucking wildly as she lost herself to what he was doing to her body and EJ gritted his teeth, trying for all he was worth to hold on so he could enjoy the feeling of her walls clenching his length in an uncontrolled rhythm. Sami's face was screwed up, her head flailing from side to side as her knuckled went white on the bed head, the force of the amount of pleasure he was giving her obvious.

"Oh god but I love watching you come!" he cried out even as Sami still spasmed helplessly under him.

Suddenly his body tensed one final time and then EJ was experiencing the almost painful pleasure of his hot seed spurting from his body and coursing into Sami's. His member quivered and pulsated as it repeatedly pumped its maleness into Sami's eager depths. EJ was groaning loudly throughout the entire joyous event until finally his body had nothing left to give hers and he collapsed down on a spent but satisfied Sami.

"Now that Mr DiMera is how you say good morning," she panted appreciatively.

EJ's only answer to that was a muffled grunt as his body was still throbbing madly from how hard he'd just come. Today was off to a very good start EJ decided groggily.

But why did he suspect it was going to be downhill from here on in?


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter FIFTEEN**** – ****The Posse**

"We're in the kitchen Joe!" called out Eric as he finished pouring coffee for Tracy and himself.

Roman Two was there as well but hadn't wanted coffee.

"Hello my darlings!" exclaimed Joseph, bursting into the room.

They all greeted him warmly in return.

"So EJ called you too huh?" asked Tracy with a quirk of his lips.

"Yes he did," said Joseph happily, "And here I am, ready to catch the aardvark."

"In those shoes?" asked Eric with an arched eyebrow at the incredibly Louis Vuitton dress shoes he was wearing.

"Is there a dress code for catching the aardvark?" fretted Joseph, "No one said."

"Joseph," said Roman Two slowly, "What do you think we are doing here today?"

"Catching the aardvark," said Joseph brightly, "Which I assumed was Lolly using some of his adorable English rhyming slang on me. Truth be told I'm not exactly sure what it stands for though. I tried to work it out and all I came up with was thatching the barn bark which I didn't really understand."

"Actually it is pretty much what it sounds like Joe," said Eric with a chuckle, "There is an aardvark running about in the grounds and we have to catch her so she can go back to the zoo John stole her from."

"What?" asked Joseph, the smile frozen to his face.

"If it helps Joe I had to get EJ to repeat it a couple of times for me as well," said Tracy ruefully.

"Oh," said Joseph, looking suddenly nervous, "I'm not great with giant land mammals."

"That's not true," said Eric with a quirk of his lips, "John really likes you."

"Oh you," giggled Joseph, slapping his hand.

"So where is our fearless leader?" asked Roman Two casually.

"He went to let Sami know what was going on," said Eric, "But that was ages ago."

"My guess is that Elvis is getting distracted by Wild Cat's aardvarks right about now," said John coolly as he walked into the room.

"John," said Eric with a complaining groan, "I didn't need that visual."

"I bet you a thousand dollars boobs have never been called aardvarks before," mused Tracy thoughtfully, looking around at the group, "Any takers?"

"That would be impossible to prove and also weird so no," said Eric firmly, "No takers."

"So John," said Roman Two, looking at him with a bit of a smile, "An aardvark eh? What's that all about?"

"Tina looked like she needed a friend," said John simply.

"Soo many questions, so little time," said Tracy with a shake of his head at that response.

"So you and Rolf just took it," said Roman Two with a frown, still obviously trying to understand, "How?"

"It was easy," said John casually.

"It vas easy for you," Rolf grumbled as he walked in on the conversation, "You vere in za car. Meanvile I had to wrestle za vild beast into za car!"

"Well if Rolf could catch it then it can't be that hard," reasoned Tracy, "No offence."

Rolf snorted at that.

"Ya vell good luck," said Rolf, sticking out his arm and pulling up his sleeve to show a very nasty looking bite on his forearm.

He then pulled up his shirt to show a multitude of scratches over his chest.

"You vill need it," said Rolf flatly.

"Ohh I feel woosy," said Joseph faintly, looking at Rolf's wounds.

"There is a simple solution," said John coolly, "Leave Tina be and everything will be fine."

"Everything isn't fine John," argued Eric, "I googled aardvarks last night and found they only really eat termites, she's going to starve."

"I'm getting termite nests delivered," said John casually.

"What?" asked Tracy in confusion, "Who does that? Termite King? McTermites?"

"No man," said Roman Two in amusement, joining in on the game, "Termite Hut."

"Oh right yeah," said Tracy with a laugh.

"You can't have termites nest near a house," said Eric in disbelief, ignoring the other two men.

"It won't be," said John evenly, "We'll put them in the back of the grounds, far from the house."

"This is ridiculous!" said Eric in exasperation.

"I'm still not understanding how you can raid an aardvark habitat," said Roman Two with a confused shake of his head, "What did you do – cut through the wire fence? How was it that no one stopped you? Are we meant to believe that you drove back to the house with a live aardvark in the back seat and no one noticed?"

"That's a lot of questions you got there Down Under boy," said John suddenly suspicious, "What's with all the questions? I hear you Austrians love to sing, that's why you have the big choirs. Maybe you're planning on singing to the police huh?"

"I'm Australian John," said Roman Two wryly.

"That's what I said," said John giving him a pointed look, "I can't help it if you have an accent."

"You're an interesting guy John," commented Roman Two in amusement.

"Sorry I'm late," said EJ, appearing at the door of the living room and looking decidedly ruffled and a bit flushed, "I just had to let Samantha know what was happening."

"Aha," said Eric in disbelief, "And did this explanation you were giving my sister not require pants?"

Everyone in the room knew exactly what Sami and EJ had been up to for the last fifteen minutes and it wasn't explanations.

"What?" asked EJ innocently.

"I think Eric is trying to tell you that your barn door is open and unless you want your aardvark to escape you might want to take a moment," said Tracy in amusement.

"Oh," said EJ, looking down at his crotch and quickly doing up the zip of his jeans.

"You didn't have to bother on our account Lolly," said Joseph with a bit of a pout.

"Yes he did," said Eric with a frown at Joseph, "I can't believe you were up there playing hide the aardvark with my sister while there is work to be done!"

"Can we make a new rule where we no longer use the word aardvark for euphemisms?" requested Tracy ruefully, "It's starting to get weird."

"Agreed," said EJ, happy to change the subject, "We have a job to do and I'd love to have Tina in hand before the people from the zoo arrive."

"Tina?" queried Joseph curiously.

"John named her," said Eric.

"Which means I can keep her," said John firmly.

"No it doesn't," said EJ, just as firmly.

"You named boy and girl baby and you kept them," John argued with him.

"As it happened I didn't but that is not the point," said EJ in annoyance, "The point is we have an aardvark named Tina to try and carrel before the zoo employees turn up."

"And if we can't?" asked Eric dubiously.

"Then that is why the zoo employees are going to be here," said EJ.

"What did they say when you told them about the escape from Alcatraz?" asked Roman Two curiously.

"They were a little taken aback," said EJ flatly, not wanting to have to discuss that phone call again.

"Are they suing?" asked Eric with a grimace.

"Not if we returned Tina in good order and make a sizable donation to the zoo," said EJ with a sigh.

"That whole lawyer gig is a pretty lucky one for your family isn't it?" observed Roman Two wryly.

"That remains to be seen," said EJ with a roll of his eyes, "If I can get us out of this then I'm forevermore going to be asked to be referred to as Super Lawyer."

"Oh my," said Joseph with a flutter of his eyelashes, "I do hope there is a body hugging spandex and knee high boots that go with that statement."

"Do you guys have nothing better to do then giving me visuals that make me wake screaming in the night?" asked Eric in exasperation.

"Let's stay on task eh fellows?" asked EJ dryly and then noticed Rolf starting to leave the kitchen, "Rolf where are you going?"

"To za movies," said Rolf coolly.

"At eight o'clock in the morning?" asked Eric sceptically.

"I vill vait in za line," said Rolf.

"Dude at eight in the morning there is no line," said Tracy with a shake of his head.

"Zen I should have no trouble getting to za front of it," observed Rolf stoically.

"Rolf I thought seeing as you've already had dealings with Tina and assuming my uncle is going to be his usual unhelpful self with this-" EJ began.

"Check," agreed John impassively.

"I rather hoped that you'd be helping out with recapturing Tina," continued on EJ earnestly.

"No," said Rolf flatly.

"You missed a kind of graphic show and tell EJ," said Eric with a grimace, "Rolf has a few war wounds that are aardvark related."

"Rolf please," said EJ earnestly, "I'll make it worth your while."

"How?" asked Rolf sarcastically, "Vill you be saying nice zings at my funeral? Vill you make your uncle less of a verrückter?"

"Hey watch it!" said John indignantly.

"Do you even know what Rolf said?" asked EJ in exasperation.

"Something rude," said John, his eyes narrowing warningly at Rolf.

"He called you a madman which isn't so much rude as accurate," said EJ flatly.

"I don't have to take this kind of abuse in my own house," John huffed, "I'm going to be out in the garden instructing Tina to bite you all."

"Thus leaving us with a quandary of which one of you to throw a net over and have shipped off to a zoo," muttered EJ darkly.

John was already half way out the door by then and didn't bother to reply.

"Good luck," said Rolf coolly, "I'm sure zome of you vill survive."

"Rolfy was just teasing right?" asked Joseph anxiously after he'd gone, "Our lives aren't really in danger are they?"

"Of course not Joseph," EJ reassured him quickly, "There are five of us and one of her. If Rolf can get her into a car I'm sure we can corner her no problem."

"Okay," said Joseph, still not looking very certain.

"Well we'd better get cracking," suggested Roman Two, "I've got a show at eleven."

"Still doing that huh?" asked Tracy with interest.

"Aha," nodded Roman Two with a smile, "And still making a damn fine living out of it whilst leaving my schedule wide open for aardvark hunts."

"And you're worth every penny of it honey," said Joseph, fluttering his eyes at him.

"Thanks for the thumbs up mate," said Roman Two with a laugh.

"Maybe we should get this show on the road while it's only Joe's thumbs that are up," commented Eric wryly.

"Good idea," said EJ determinedly, "Plus I want this sorted before Samantha and the twins come down."

They all walked out of the kitchen and through to the living room and out the French doors.

"So what's the plan oh great white hunter?" asked Tracy as they all stood on the patio and surveyed the vast grounds of the mansion.

"Well aardvarks are nocturnal," said EJ thoughtfully, "So she's probably gone to ground."

"That's good isn't it?" offered up Eric, "Tina will be slower moving if she should be asleep during the day."

"I had a girlfriend that if you woke her while she was trying to sleep would be uber pissed for days afterward," commented Tracy idly, "In a weird coincidence her name was Tina as well. She once hit me with a clock when I came in late and disturbed her."

Tracy turned to then and pointed to his forehead.

"Three stitches," he informed them knowingly.

"Way to rally the troops blondie," said Eric sarcastically.

"It seemed relevant," said Tracy with an unapologetic shrug.

"Uncle John what are you doing?" asked EJ disapprovingly as he watched John settle into one of the patio chairs further on down the garden.

"Settling in for the show," said John, not bothering to turn around.

"There isn't going to be a show," said EJ determinedly, "It is going to be over in about ten minutes."

"Aha," said John sounding less than convinced.

Smokey chose that moment to wander out of the bushes and give the men the once over.

"Not today Smokey," EJ warned him sharply, "I'm not in the mood."

Smokey gave a disdainful scratch of the ground and sauntered off.

"That's all we need," EJ muttered darkly, "A demented peacock in the mix."

"You shouldn't talk to him like that," said Eric, eyeing the retreating bird nervously, "Hell hath no fury like a pissed off peacock."

"Amen to that," said Joseph with a grimace, unconsciously putting a hand over his boy bits.

"For once Smokey isn't the problem," said EJ determinedly.

"So how do we find Tina?" asked Tracy pragmatically, "It is a big garden."

"I think we should be able to pick up her tracks," said EJ thoughtfully, "They will be quite different from all the birds."

"Does anyone know how to track animals?" asked Eric curiously.

"I was in the Boy Scouts," offered up Joseph brightly.

"Really?" asked EJ with interest.

"Well only for a week," Joseph conceded with a rueful grimace, "Apparently that 'be prepared' business is all talk."

"I don't think anyone is prepared for you mate," said Roman Two with a teasing chuckle.

"So is this the plan?" asked John from where he was sitting over on his chair, now wearing sunglasses, "Just stand around and talk? Aardvarks only live twenty years, at this rate Tina isn't going to be a problem by the time you get around to doing anything."

"That's enough from the peanut gallery Uncle John," EJ said in annoyance, "Seeing as you are the cause of all of this the least you can do is grant us some peace and quiet."

"Not going to happen," John informed him readily.

"Of course it's not," EJ grumbled before preparing to lead the very first aardvark hunt on the grounds, "Looks like I was right about this day going downhill."

As it was to turn out EJ was to find out that he'd never spoken a truer word... unfortunately.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter SIXTEEN**** – ****Return to Sender**

"Hello?" called out Steve as he walked through the front door.

No one came to greet him so Steve gave a little shrug and kept walking. There was always someone in this mad house. Steve walked into the living room and through the French doors he saw John sitting on a patio chair and looking out at the grounds below. He walked out of the house and over to his friend.

"Hey John," he greeted him.

"Hey Patches," said John easily.

"It's Patch," Steve corrected him good naturedly about his old nickname.

"What is?" asked John looking up at him curiously.

"My name," said Steve patiently.

"I thought it was Steve?" said John, eyeing him suspiciously now.

Steve's lips twisted in a wry smile at that.

"I'm curious," said Steve evenly, "Do you do that because of the brain damage or because you just like messing with people – you can tell me John, your secret is safe with me."

"Do what?" asked John impassively.

"Okay, so that's the name of the game eh?" said Steve dryly, abandoning his attempt at hello, "But if it is alright with you John I personally would like to think that you're just screwing with people – it kinda makes me happy."

"You're a weird guy Patches," said John, looking up at him steadily, "I like that in a pirate."

"I'm not a pirate," Steve corrected him.

"Then why do you wear a patch?" asked John sceptically.

"Because I can't see out of that eye," said Steve tolerantly.

"That's because you're wearing a patch," said John knowingly.

"You know you're probably right," agreed Steve straight faced, "You're a handy guy to have around John."

"Tell that to my nephew," sniffed John, looking put out now.

"Where is EJ?" asked Steve curiously, looking around, "The house is deserted."

"They are all out catching the aardvark," said John and there was a definite note of disapproval in his voice.

"I don't know that game," said Steve with a bit of a frown, "Is that one of those weird English games of EJ's?"

Just then at the foot of the hill Tina bolted out of the bushes with EJ and Eric in hot pursuit. Steve observed the odd sight and scratched his cheek thoughtfully as he watched the creature zigzag back and forth to try and throw the two men off her tail. The odd little threesome disappeared into another row of trees.

"Hm," said Steve calmly, "That game involves a real aardvark. I'm surprised but I'm not sure why considering where I am."

Tracy burst from the bushes and looked wildly from side to side.

"Which way did they go?" he called up to them.

Steve pointed to the direction he'd last seen the trio and Tracy dashed off after them madly. The aardvark now appeared from another area of the thicket and made a break for it, EJ following a little too late after it. He looked up at the two men sitting about twenty feet away and looked annoyed.

"A little help if you will gentlemen?" he asked of them, panting a little.

"Okay," said Steve straight faced, not sure what he'd walked in on but happy to be a part of the fun, "I recommend you run faster."

"I'm a conscientious objector," John stated, "I want Tina to stay. If you want her gone so bad Elvis you have to catch her."

"Cheers for that," said EJ flatly, "You're both a giant help."

"OVER HERE!"

Tracy's voice could be heard rallying the troops and EJ took off after it. Steve watched as Tina made another break for it now, EJ, Eric and Tracy hot on his heels with Roman Two joining in from another direction.

"Wow the gangs all here," commented Steve, not taking his eyes off the scene as he watched the four man careening around into each other trying to catch the poor animal and went to fetch himself a chair.

He put it down next to John, fascinated by what he was seeing. After all how often did you get to watch a live aardvark being carolled, rather unsuccessfully but still, it wasn't often.

"I'm just going to go ahead and accept the premise that you have an aardvark in your collection now John and not ask any questions," said Steve easily, still watching the fun in games further on down the hill.

"I wish Elvis had your sensible attitude Patches," said John calmly, "It would make everyone's life a lot easier."

"Possibly," said Steve with a quirk of his lips, "But I'm guessing EJ wants it gone right?"

"He made some vague references to the subject," said John with a cool shrug, "But he wasn't very clear about it."

Steve hid his smile as he thought that rather unlikely.

"So now they are trying to catch the aardvark-"

"Tina," John interrupted her, "Her name is Tina."

"Of course it is," said Steve calmly, "If you're going to have an aardvark then obviously her name is going to be Tina."

"Obviously," said John, utterly serious.

"So what is their plan of capture?" asked Steve, cocking his head and watching as all the men seemed to be doing was running around in circles and yelling at one another and occasionally Tina would dart through the middle of them.

"I'm guessing they are trying to make Tina laugh so hard that she'll keel over," said John stoically.

"Well I think they are well on the way with achieving that strategy," observed Steve with a quirk of his lips as he settled in next to John.

Tina was on the run again, the men in hot pursuit and Steve shook his head in amazement.

"Wow," he said, "Fast."

"Yes she is," said John proudly as Sami and the twins walked out of the French doors together.

"Hello Uncle Steve," she greeted him with a smile, "What are you doing here?"

"Kayla sent me over to get something for someone," said Steve vaguely, clearly not that interested in his task anymore, "Hey Sami, aardvark, garden, in the."

"Remind me, don't," said Sami with a twist of her lips as she lay out a blanket for her and the twins to sit down on, "Have they caught it yet?"

"No but everyone is getting a lot of exercise," said Steve with a grin.

"This is your fault John," Sami glared at him as the older man sat there calmly.

"I thought exercise was a good thing," he said coolly, "I don't get your beef Wild Cat."

"My beef is that there is an aardvark roaming the grounds," said Sami in annoyance, "One you stole from a zoo!"

"Relocated," John corrected her easily.

"When you're the only one who knows about the relocating then it is called stealing John," said Sami flatly.

"You're such a word German," said John, throwing her an annoyed look.

"What's a Word German?" asked Steve in confusion.

"I think he means word Nazi," said Sami with a roll of her eyes.

"Nazi's were German," protested John.

"Yes but not all German's were Nazi's John," said Sami in aggravation.

"That makes absolutely no sense," huffed John.

"Uncle Steve are you going to help me here?" asked Sami in frustration.

"Sorry Sami," said Steve but not really looking it, "I'm just here for the aardvark."

Joseph stuck his head out of the French doors now and called to them.

"Woohoo!" he said cheerfully, "Have they caught Tina yet?"

"Not even close," said Steve as he looked down to the gardens where some raised voices could be heard obviously discussing strategy or the lack thereof.

"Oh," said Joseph in disappointment as he came out to join them now, "I went to powder my nose and thought that if I took long enough it would all be over. I've been in there fifteen minutes and there is nothing left to powder on me."

"Aunty Joe!" the twins squealed their delight at seeing him and toddled over excitedly to both grab hold of his legs.

"Hello my little ducklings," he greeted them just as enthusiastically, bending down to cuddle them both.

"So are you really going to help catch the aardvark?" asked Steve a little sceptically, trying to envisage the other man being involved.

"Oh no honey," said Joseph blithely, as he straightened up from the twins, "I'm going to do what I did in school during sports, run around the field and look useful whilst doing absolutely nothing to help."

"It's a plan where there are no losers," commented Steve wryly.

The front doorbell sounded.

"I'll get it," said Sami, leaving the twins with the other adults.

She reappeared a minute later with two women with her.

"Guys this is LJ and Julie," she introduced them to the others, "They're from the zoo. This is my friend Joseph, my uncle Steve and my step father John."

"So which one of you jacked our aardvark?" asked LJ, looking less than impressed.

"Her name is Tina, not Jack," said John disapprovingly.

"Ding, ding, ding we have a winner," announced Julie, looking at John in vague amusement, "You know we're still trying to work out how you did it back at the zoo."

"You just need a car and an Austrian butler who will do anything you say because he erased all your memories and owes you," said John straight faced.

"Well I can see why it hasn't happened before then," said Julie, managing to keep a straight faced.

"Roger can you go and fetch EJ please?" asked Sami, looking up in a nearby tree where the little fellow was sitting quietly.

He gave a little chit of acknowledgement and scampered down the tree and headed off to find EJ.

"You have a Capuchin monkey," observed Julie in surprise.

"Yes," agreed Sami with an affectionate smile as he hurried off, "His name is Roger."

She looked at the two women and quickly added.

"He was legally acquired and I have all of the documentation," said Sami hastily, "He was my helper monkey when I was incapacitated a little while back."

"We're just here for the aardvark," LJ reassured her, "The monkey can be someone else's problem if it comes down to it."

"Oh my," said Joseph, catching sight of the gun over LJ's shoulder for the first time, "You're not going to shoot the aardvark are you?"

He grabbed LJ's arm and looked distressed.

"I'm not good with blood," said Joseph fretfully.

"It's a tranquilliser gun," LJ reassured him, "And we're only going to use it if we can't round the aardvark up into the cage we brought with us."

Julie was carrying a large wire cage with her which she'd set down by her feet.

"Oh good," said Sami in relief, "We don't want to hurt her, just get her back to the zoo."

"That's why we're here," LJ said calmly.

EJ and the rest of the erstwhile aardvark wranglers were heading back up towards where they were all standing and Julie gave a low whistle as she saw the group of handsome, sweaty men.

"I had a dream like this once," she observed thoughtfully, "But there was a lot more oil involved and less aardvark."

"Right there with you sugar," agreed Joseph with a little sigh, admiring the men as well, "It's like what I imagine a Playgirl photo shoot would be like."

EJ walked up to the women and introduced himself as introductions were once again made.

"We tried to capture her before you got here but it hasn't gone so well," said EJ apologetically.

"The good news is though that I think we've tired her out," said Eric, panting a little.

"She's not running likes she's tired," complained Tracy.

"Aardvarks aren't that fast," said LJ firmly.

"Well you may want to let this one know that because I don't think she got the memo," said Tracy wryly, wiping the sweat from his brow.

"Have we met?" asked Julie, eyeing Roman Two curiously.

"Don't think so," said Roman Two with a smile, "I'm sure I'd remember someone as cute as you."

"Oh," said Julie and gave a little giggle, "No I'm sure we've met."

"He was the male ah... dancer at Carla's birthday party which we had at the zoo," said LJ without missing a beat.

"Oh!" exclaimed Julie, her eyes widening, "You were too! I didn't recognise you without the panda suit!"

Everyone looked at Roman Two who was completely unabashed.

"I like to work to a theme when I can," he said casually.

"You were great!" said Julie happily before looking at her friend sideways, "Wait a minute, I thought you said you were going before the stripper arrived LJ?"

"Ah well," said LJ quickly, "He'd already arrived and I didn't want to appear rude."

Julie arched an eyebrow at her, clearly sceptical of it all being about manners somehow.

"What does LJ stand for?" asked John, eyeing the woman curiously as he interrupted their conversation.

"It doesn't stand for anything," said LJ, looking glad of the distraction, "My parents just wanted to give me initials for a name."

"Don't be ridiculous," John dismissed her explanation, "Initials always stand for something. Look at my nephew, his name is EJ which stands for Elvis John. So what does LJ stand for?"

"Nothing," said LJ with a shake of her head.

"So it's embarrassing huh?" John said knowingly, "I get it."

"Is that a flamingo over there?" asked Julie, distracted from the talk of initials and their meanings by the appearance of the pink bird.

"There's an entire flamboyance of them," confirmed Eric with a grin.

"A man who knows his collective nouns for flamingos," said Julie, giving him an appreciative look, "Hot, very hot."

"I try," said Eric with a cheeky wink.

"Lime Jelly," John announced suddenly, still staring intently at LJ.

"What?" she said uncertainly.

"That's what LJ stands for," said John confidently, "Lime Jelly."

"No," said LJ flatly, "It doesn't."

"You know how in the car you wondered what kind of person kidnaps an aardvark?" asked Julie conversationally before nodding at John, "Behold your answer."

"Lemon Jelly," John tried again, clearly not giving up.

"No," said LJ with a roll of her eyes.

"Is it anything to do with jelly at all?" asked John seriously.

"No!" said LJ in exasperation.

"Then why did you say it was?" asked John, his lips twisting in displeasure.

"I didn't!" said LJ in annoyance.

"Bet you're wishing that gun held more than tranquillisers right about now huh?" observed Tracy with a quirk of his lips.

"Okay enough with the jelly talk," said EJ in irritation, "We have an aardvark to catch."

"No matter how many times you say that it still sounds weird," said Roman Two with a shake of his head.

"Weird or not we have an African mammal to return to its rightful owners," said EJ firmly.

"No one can own an aardvark," John said stubbornly, "It's talk like that which had Tina so sad."

"Are you mentally unstable?" asked Julie, looking at John askew now.

"He thinks my name is Lime Jelly," said LJ in exasperation, "Do you really need that answered Julie?"

"Guess not," she said with a bit of a shrug.

"So ladies," said EJ, bringing things back around, "I assume you have a plan?"

"We do," said LJ with a confident nod.

"It just didn't take into consideration how big these gardens are," observed Julie a little hesitantly, looking over at the vast grounds.

"We'll be fine," said LJ firmly.

"Famous last words if ever I heard them," said Steve as he settled in for a morning of fun.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter SEVENTEEN****– ****The Deck is Stacked**

"This isn't going well is it?" asked Sami, gnawing her bottom lip and watching the men and two zookeepers running madly all over the grounds with the occasional appearance of Tina.

They'd been at it for twenty minutes now and the cage Julie the zookeeper had brought with her was still conspicuously empty.

"Depends who you are branching for," said John with a smug smile.

"Rooting," Sami corrected him distractedly, watching as Eric ran out of the bushes as Tina ran in, shaking her head, "The expression is rooting for John."

"Well I'm on team aardvark," announced Steve unapologetically, "All the way."

"Good man Patches," said John, looking very pleased with himself.

"Uncle Steve you're not helping," said Sami in frustration, "How would you like it if there were aardvarks roaming your back yard with little Joe?"

"If I had a garden this big I don't think I'd be too concerned," said Steve easily, "I think I read somewhere that aardvarks are solitary creatures and like to keep to themselves. I don't see Tina being a problem to be honest."

"Easy for you to say," Sami grumbled under her breath.

"Besides the twins are loving it," pointed out Steve practically and unfortunately for the point Sami was trying to make it was true.

The twins were watching with rapt attention at all that was going on below them and on more than one occasion Sami had to stop them from joining in. When one of the men would run past they'd applaud and call out after them excitedly, clearly thinking this was a great game. It was very cute even if it didn't alleviate Sami's concerns about a roaming aardvark in their vicinity.

"The twins would eat candy until they were both sick if I let them," said Sami dourly, "Children don't always know what is best for them Uncle Steve – you should know that."

"All I know is that I'm pretty excited to see what John brings home next," said Steve with a quirk of his lips, "I'm kind of hoping it's going to be a mermaid."

"What's a mermaid?" asked John curiously.

"Not real thank goodness," said Sami flatly.

"It's a creature that is half woman, half fish," volunteered Steve easily, "The story goes that they'd lure sailors to their deaths by singing to them."

"Half woman, half fish huh?" said John thoughtfully, "What down the middle you mean?"

"No John," Steve said with a little laugh, "The top half is a woman and the bottom half is a fish."

John looked at him a bit askew at that.

"What's the point of that?" he asked in exasperation, "All the fun bits are fish. It should be the other way around."

"Oh dear god," said Sami in resignation.

"Huh," said Steve thoughtfully, "I never thought about it but I guess you're right."

"You're encouraging him Uncle Steve," said Sami in vexation, "Stop it."

"Daddy!" called out Ali excitedly as EJ ran out into the clearing in front of them, panting a little.

"Hello sweetheart," replied EJ with an affectionate smile, wiping the sweat from his brow before looking at Sami, "You haven't seen it have you?"

"No," said Sami with a grimace, "The last I saw of Tina was about five minutes ago over in the bottom left of the grounds."

"The little dickens has gone to ground," said EJ in frustration, "We can't find her."

"AGGHHHH!"

There was a little yelp from the tree line at EJ's right and Eric staggered out.

"Did you see Tina?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said Eric in annoyance, rubbing his forehead, "Harold was roosting in a tree and I guess I must have startled him as I ran by because he kicked me in the head."

"I'm beginning to think that Harold has as much attitude as Smokey," said EJ with a roll of his eyes.

"When you're pretty you can get away with a lot," said John knowingly, "Just look at me."

"New plan," said EJ dourly, "We shove my uncle in the box and send him back to the zoo and keep Tina."

"Imagine John as an exhibition in a zoo," said Eric with a little chuckle, "We'd be lucky if all he flung at us was his own faeces."

They all looked over at John who had an unconcerned, self satisfied look on his face.

"We need to get more organised," decided EJ, "Divide up into pairs and search different areas of the grounds."

"Good idea honey," said Sami with an encouraging smile, "I just know you'll have her caught in no time."

EJ grinned and with a little wave at the twins who enthusiastically returned it he and Eric headed off to round up the group and put EJ's plan into action.

"They're never going to catch her," said Sami despondently as soon as EJ was out of earshot.

"Then she'll get to stay," said John, obviously happy at that thought.

"That isn't how it works John," said Sami with a twist of her lips.

"We'll see," said John calmly as they all watched the group of intrepid aardvark hunters collect in the centre of the grounds and pair off.

Joseph was the only one left without a pair but Sami suspected that he was happy about that, already knowing his plan of staying on the edges and pretending to be useful but not really.

"I feel like we need popcorn," commented Steve thoughtfully.

"I'm going to get the twins some little yoghurts," Sami announced as she stood up.

"That will be fine," said Steve readily.

"I don't have any adult sized ones," said Sami with a quirk of her lips.

"Bring me two then," said Steve happily.

"Me too," John, putting up his hand.

"Alright," said Sami with a roll of her eyes, "Just watch the twins please."

Sami returned a minute or two later and handed out the requested refreshments, looking on in amusement at the grown men eating the miniature yoghurts. The twins immediately swarmed around her, eager for their yoghurts which Sami let them try and eat themselves.

"Aunty Joe!" exclaimed Johnny excitedly around a mouthful of yoghurt as Joseph ran out into the clearing below them.

"Look at me Black Bear!" called out Joseph with gay abandonment waving madly at John as he ran by, "I'm playing with the big boys uumppPHHH!"

As he said that Joseph and his expensive shoes tripped on an exposed root and fell face first into a row of bushes.

"You alright Joe?" called out Steve in concern when he didn't immediately move.

Joseph couldn't answer him because his unexpected fall had him nose to snout with the very creature they were all frantically looking for except for rather ironically Joseph himself. Both of them stared wide eyed at each other before the most ear piercing scream cut the air like a knife.

"Is that the aardvark?" asked Tracy in consternation from where he and Eric were several hundred feet away in a different part of the grounds.

"It's high pitched and doesn't sound human," said Eric, his brow furrowing, "That sounds like Joe to me."

They looked at each other in concern before both of them bolted towards the sound that was still going on.

"That's a woman screaming," said Roman Two with a frown to EJ who was in a different quadrant of the grounds, "Do you think it is Sami?"

"No," said EJ, already starting to run, "Joseph."

"Oh," said Roman Two accepting that and following after EJ, "Okay."

"Is that the sound of an aardvark screaming?" asked Julie with concern, looking at LJ.

"No it's human," said LJ, starting off in the direction the sound was coming from.

"You sure?" asked Julie with a wrinkle of her nose before starting to run after her friend.

Meanwhile Joseph had eventually run out of oxygen so his loud scream tapered off into a wheezy whimper. His cry seemed to have paralysed Tina who was looking at him in wide eyed horror.

"Don't eat me!" begged Joseph hurriedly, his voice high with fear, "I know I look good but I'm surprisingly gristly, especially around the thighs, it's a genetic thing, my father was the same. All the men in our family suffer from gristly thighs!"

If Tina was surprised by this information she didn't show it, instead she just seemed intent on not moving and hoping the loud creature would leave her alone. The rest of them converged on the spot where Joseph was still lying on his stomach, nose almost touching with a stunned looking Tina. Everyone froze in one place.

"Don't move," said EJ in a low voice, "This is our chance. The aardvark looks like she is in shock."

"I know how she feels," said Joseph unevenly, holding Tina's gaze with a stricken one of his own.

"Don't talk," LJ instructed him, keeping her voice down as she began to edge slowly around to the other side of the bushes Joseph was lying in, "You'll frighten her."

"I'll frighten _her_?" squeaked Joseph in disbelief, "I'm about to be eaten by an aardvark!"

"No you're not Joseph," said EJ reassuringly as he never took his eyes off Tina, sidling to the other side of the animal as carefully and slowly as he could, "Nothing is going to happen to you."

"Something has already happened to me," moaned Joseph unhappily.

"It's alright Joe," Tracy reassured him, "We can glue the heel of your shoe back on once this is over."

"What?" exclaimed Joseph in horror, completely forgetting about the looming aardvark danger with the news that one of his beloved Louis Vuitton's had sustained damage in his fall.

"Joe don't move!" Roman Two cautioned him urgently but it was too late.

Joseph leapt up, desperate to see what had happened to his shoe and his movement broke the trance Tina had seemed to be under and she just made a mad dash for it with everyone trying to converge on her at the same time.

"Get her!"

"She's getting away!"

"To your left!"

"My shoe!"

"Ten bucks says one of them gets bitten," offered up John casually.

"Another ten says it will be by Joe," said Steve in amusement as the melee began to unfold in earnest now, "He looks pretty upset about that shoe."

**...****...**

"What is it Bella?" asked Sheri as she checked her makeup one last time in the mirror.

"When we pulled up," said her friend thoughtfully, looking up at the impressive façade of the DiMera mansion, "I could have sworn I heard a woman scream."

"I didn't hear anything," said Sheri, patting her hair carefully to ensure it was all still in place, "Come on."

"Why are we here again?" asked Bella in mild exasperation as she and Sheri walked up to the front door and knocked on it.

"We're here to tell the DiMera's that we aren't going to pursue any legal action over the unfortunate incident last week," said Sheri easily, fiddling with her blouse to straighten it out.

"We could have done that over the phone," pointed out Bella reasonably.

"Trust me Bella," said Sheri firmly, "When you meet EJ DiMera you'll know why this has to be done in person."

"Is he the reason you're wearing lipstick?" asked Bella with an amused quirk of her lips.

She and Sheri had been friends a long time, their daughters were the same age and they'd met through the Girl Scouts. Sheri had always been a very level headed, calm person and it made Bella smile to see her fussing like this now.

"Just because I'm married doesn't mean that I don't like putting some effort into my appearance every now and then," sniffed Sheri, not quite meeting her friend's gaze, "I like to keep the romance alive."

"With Rick or this EJ guy?" Bella asked, teasing her friend cheekily.

"Don't be ridiculous Bella," exclaimed Sheri, feigning outrage, "Of course it is for Rick."

"Well he's going to need good eyesight to see it considering he's at work and we're here," noted Bella in amusement.

"You can mock all you like Bella," said Sheri knowingly, "But once you meet this guy you'll be thanking me, trust me."

"Unlikely," Bella scoffed, "I'm not a teenager anymore, my head doesn't get turned that easily."

"We'll see," said Sheri knowingly.

"It looks like a moot point anyway," said Bella, "No one is answering the door."

"We'll go around the side," said Sheri confidently, "I'm sure someone will be home, look at all the cars in the driveway."

"I guess," said Bella reluctantly, "But what if we're interrupting them?"

"Oh what could they be doing that we'd be interrupting," said Sheri blithely as the two of them began to walk down beside the mansion to the sprawling grounds of the garden behind it, "Especially as we have good news."

Bella gave a little shrug and kept walking, the two women side by side.

"I hear voices," commented Bella just as they came to the corner of the house.

"Maybe it is a party?" said Sheri as they rounded the corner, "Maybe you're right Bella and we shouldn't get in the way."

No sooner had the words left Sheri's mouth when a brown blurred rushed between them, making them both jump.

"Was that a dog?" asked Bella in horror.

Sheri didn't answer or rather couldn't because a split second later EJ rounded the corner and ran straight into her, knocking her to the ground as he fell on top of her. Sheri made a strangled noise as all that man and muscle knocked the wind out of her as she was covered in a sweaty Brit.

"Oh my god Sheri!" exclaimed Bella in shock at the sight of her friend all tangled up with this perfectly proportioned man, "Are you alright?"

"Tell Rick I died doing what I love!" Sheri groaned from under the gorgeous but very heavy man.

"Oh my god I'm so sorry!" said EJ in horror as he immediately tried to scramble to his feet.

"It's alright," said Sheri, sounding pretty dazed.

"Oh," he said in surprise, "It's Sheri isn't it?"

"Yes," she said with a shaky smile, "Good to see you again EJ."

"Ah, you too," said EJ with a grimace as he helped her to her feet, "We don't seem to have much luck with these first meetings do we? Are you alright, I didn't hurt you did I?"

Bella openly stared at the man who was looking at Sheri with great concern. Alright, Sheri might have had a point, the guy was drop dead gorgeous, so gorgeous in fact Bella was having a hard time taking her eyes off him, or even blinking for that matter.

"What ran by us?" asked Sheri, looking behind herself a little warily.

"An aardvark," said EJ as Eric and the others caught up with them.

"Did you catch her?" Tracy panted hopefully.

"No," said Sheri with a bright smile but still looking a little dazed, "He caught me instead."

"Hey it's the bread lady," said Eric with a grin, recognising Sheri from the naked EJ and the loaf of bread incident.

"Sheri," she nodded with a smile, "And this is my friend Bella."

"Hello," said Bella uncertainly, giving them a little wave, "Did you say aardvark just then?"

"Yes," said EJ with a grimace, "Unfortunately we have one lose in the grounds and we're just trying to recapture her."

"Looks like we came at a bad time," said Sheri regretfully before looking over at EJ, "Although you can't beat the level of enthusiasm in the greetings."

"You should stay," said Eric, "The more the merrier."

"I don't want to catch an aardvark," said Bella, looking fearful now as she began to look around herself nervously.

"Then this is the crew for you," commented Julie dryly, pink in the face from all of her fruitless running.

Bella however was beginning to feel quite skittish now, very worried that an aardvark was going to burst from the bushes and attack her suddenly. Unfortunately just at that moment Roger, who had been up in a tree watching the entire goings on, had the branch he was sitting on suddenly give way. Even more unfortunately he was directly above Bella when it did happen and he tumbled onto the unsuspecting Girl Scout den mother. Bella screamed loudly as Roger landed on her head and nerves that were already on edge snapped. She began hysterically running around, certain she was being attacked as Roger clung on for dear life. The only thing Bella could think of was getting to higher ground so she blindly clambered up the nearest tree only it wasn't a tree, it was a very surprised EJ.

"It's alright, it's alright!" EJ tried to calm her down as he thrashed about wildly, him trying to grab Bella so that she wouldn't fall on the ground and hurt herself, "It's just a monkey, he won't hurt you!"

Bella however couldn't hear EJ over her own screams and Roger decided that this was not the place to be so he leapt from a wildly flailing Bella onto the nearest thing available which just happened to be Tina as she emerged from the bushes planning on making a run for it through the throng of people. The hot furry thing gone from her head Bella stopped struggling and that was when she worked out where she was. EJ was holding her around the waist and she was upside down, her head about a foot from the ground. On reflex she wrapped her legs around the nearest thing she could find to give her stability – which just happened to be EJ's neck.

Everyone was frozen in the strange tableau, EJ holding the upside down Bella, her legs flung over his shoulders, his arms around her upside down waist, Roger perched on top of the still stunned Tina staring back at them wide eyed. No one was moving as everyone held their breath. The sound of a picture being taken on a cell phone broke the unearthly silence.

"What?" asked Roman Two unapologetically as he was still holding out his cell phone after taking the picture as everyone turned to look at him in disbelief, "How else am I going to get people to believe me back home?"

"Oh my," said Bella unevenly from her upside down position, "I'm soo glad I decided to wear pants today and not a skirt."

"LJ," said EJ slowly, never taking his eyes off Tina, "You're the professional – what do we do next."

"I'm a professional zookeeper," said LJ in disbelief, "Not a circus ringmaster – there is no training for this!"

"Alright," said Eric, taking control, "Everyone remain calm, at least it can't get any worse."

How wrong could one person be?


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter EIGHTEEN**** – ****Friendly Fire**

"What are they doing?" asked Steve uncertainly as he looked at the oddly frozen scene by the side of the house.

EJ still had a hold of the upside down Bella, Roger was still on Tina and everyone else was dotted around them not seeming to know what to do next.

"Nothing," said John stoically, "It's kind of boring."

"I wish my husband would put that woman down," said Sami disapprovingly, folding her arms in front of her chest.

"I think no one wants to make any sudden moves," observed Joseph who had withdrawn from the chase on the premise of shoe trauma and was now sitting with John, Steve, Sami and the twins, "In case things take a downward turn."

"If EJ's face gets anymore buried in that woman's thighs then there is going to be more than just a downward turn to worry about," said Sami unhappily as she eyed the petite, upside down woman suspiciously.

Bella didn't know about Sami's jealous observations because right then she had problems of her own.

"Ah I don't want to be a bother," she said unsteadily, her face quite pink now, "But I think I need to be right way up now otherwise things could get a little ugly."

"I'm so sorry about this," EJ apologised quickly, looking down at her regretfully.

"Oh it's fine," said Bella easily, not wanting to be impolite, "These things happen."

"In this house it seems to," agreed Sheri readily.

"Maybe we can get Roger to herd Tina into the cage?" suggested Tracy casually.

"Are you kidding me?" asked Eric with a roll of his eyes.

"Well Roger is a helper monkey," Tracy defended his idea, "And that would help, a lot."

"Seriously guys," said Bella, her voice sounding distinctly muffled now, "I'm starting to taste the eggs I had for breakfast now and that can't be good. Whatever you are going to do could you just do it please?"

"Cute upside down lady is right," said Eric decisively, "I'm going to get the cage."

"My ears are filling with blood," said Bella a little dazedly to Sheri, "But did he just call me cute?"

"He did," Sheri agreed in vague amusement.

"Is he as good looking right way up as he looks upside down?" asked Bella brightly, clearly starting to be affected by her current position now.

"Some would say I'm better," said Eric with a cheeky wink at the petite woman.

"Okay so are we taking time out from the aardvark crisis to flirt now?" asked Tracy with a roll of his eyes.

"It's not exactly a crisis when no one is moving," pointed out Julie pragmatically.

"And yet I feel like it kinda is," said Bella unevenly, "Can anyone else see that llama standing by the tree?"

"I think she means you Roman Two," said Tracy in amusement.

"I've been called worse," said Roman Two with a grin.

"Why isn't the aardvark moving?" asked LJ curiously.

"Because we're interesting conversationalists?" offered up Tracy.

"I find that highly unlikely," said EJ flatly, eyeing the very high heels Bella was sporting a little warily out of the corner of his eye.

He didn't really fancy losing an eye to them no matter how stylish they might look.

"I'll get the cage," said Eric again, getting back on task.

Eric turned around but with his preoccupation with keeping an eye on Tina he hadn't noticed Smokey coming up behind him to see what was going on. He tripped over the bird and made him squawk unhappily as Eric hit the ground.

"It was an accident, it was an accident!" Eric yelled, fearful of repercussions from the bird after recent run ins they'd had, "Don't hurt me!"

Smokey's cry startled Tina who just decided to run now, Roger still hanging onto her back for dear life.

"Good one Eric!" said Roman Two with a roll of his eyes as they all began to chase after Tina again who now had a furry little companion.

"Aardvark with a monkey jockey," said Steve in satisfaction as he watched Tina race off with Roger clinging to her back, "Now we're talking."

"This just keeps getting worse," Sami groaned.

"Then give up," said John rather sensibly.

"Never!" Sami vowed even though that was beginning to look like more of an option.

EJ quickly set Bella down, right way up and held on to the tops of her arms as she swayed badly, the blood rushing back out of her head.

"Are you alright?" he asked her worriedly.

"I have no idea," said Bella honestly but enjoying the proximity of the handsome man.

"I'm so sorry," EJ apologised quickly, "I really am but I have to try and catch this aardvark."

"It's alright," said Bella, blinking a little as EJ looked at her anxiously, "You go."

"We'll wait with your family," Sheri reassured him, putting her arm around Bella, "I'll look after her."

"Thank you," said EJ distractedly, already starting to run off after the others, "We'll chat when I'm done."

"Did all that just happen or did I dream it?" asked Bella a little shakily.

"It happened," said Sheri with a little smile, "Crazy things just seem to happen in this house. Just wish there was more full frontal nudity involved with this one."

"Sheri!" exclaimed Bella, giving a little laugh.

"Oh please," Sheri snorted, "You've been up close and personal, very personal in fact with big, buff and British – now tell me that isn't worth a second glance."

Bella wrinkled her nose at that.

"He's very tall," she admitted, "And very strong and has good looking friends."

Sheri gave a knowing smile.

"You don't happen to have any of that lipstick on you do you?" asked Bella, a little twinkle in her eye.

Sheri laughed at that as the two of them walked up to the growing number on the hill.

"Hi," said Sheri as they got closer, "Do you remember me?"

"Of course," said Sami with a quick nod, "Hi Sheri."

"Hi," said Sheri with a smile, "This is my friend Bella."

"Hi Bella," said Sami, "Are you with the Girl Scouts as well?"

"Yes I am," said Bella, "You must be Sami."

"My reputation precedes me," said Sami dryly, "Are you alright after um, being upside down like that?"

"My ears are ringing a bit but your husband was very nice about it," said Bella wryly.

"EJ gets a lot of practice at being nice in odd situations," said Sami with a sigh, deciding this woman was no threat to her and EJ.

"Well Sheri told quite the story after she came back from here," said Bella with a little laugh, still feeling light headed after being held upside down for so long.

"Oh!" exclaimed Joseph, "You're the one who caught my Lolly with only a loaf of bread to cover his dignity."

"Yes I was," said Sheri with a big smile as she remembered.

"What was it like?" asked Joseph with avid curiously.

"White but with a nice brown top on it," answered Sheri readily, "At least I think it was white, I didn't get close enough to taste it or anything."

Joseph looked confused by that description.

"She means the bread Joseph," said Sami dryly.

"Oh," said Joseph and then looked disappointed, "Oh."

"Oh," said Bella, looking just as disappointed.

"Are you here to tell us you're going ahead with suing us?" asked Sami with a grimace.

"No, the exact opposite actually," said Sheri quickly, "I wanted to let you know that I talked Marsha out of pursuing things any further."

"Oh thank you!" said Sami in relief, "This house really doesn't need any more dramas. Did you hear that John, you're off the hook."

"Of course I am," said John blithely, "I told you, when you're pretty you can get away with anything."

"Ignore him," Sami advised him and then when it looked like Bella was going to say something, "No really."

"There's never a dull moment in your home is there?" asked Sheri with an amused smile.

"Sadly no," said Sami with a roll of her eyes, "But it was very nice of you to deliver the news personally Sheri."

"Ah yes," said Sheri, a little sheepish now.

Joseph gave a knowing smile.

"I think our Miss Sheri was hoping for lightning to strike twice," said Joseph in amusement, "Perhaps a little sandwich action?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean," said Sheri, blushing bright red but Joseph wasn't convinced.

"Oh honey, you're going to have to get to the end of a very long line to butter that particular loaf," said Joseph knowingly, "And I'm at the head of that line."

Bella gave a little giggle at that.

"There is no line because EJ's my husband and he and his loaf are all mine," said Sami firmly.

"I'm sensing there is a story here," Steve commented thoughtfully, "I'm kind of torn – some kind of bread related pornography or an aardvark with a monkey jockey, both have my interest."

"Speaking of heads of lines and things being buttered," said Bella brightly, "Is that cute guy over there a free agent?"

Sami looked where Bella was pointing.

"That is Eric my twin," volunteered Sami readily, happy to think of any woman other than Nicole interested in her brother, "And yes, he's available."

"More's the pity," said Joseph with a little pout.

"Not from where I'm standing," said Bella with a pleased smile.

[center]**oooOOOOooo**[/center]

"So I guess you do this kind of thing a lot huh?" asked Tracy, falling in beside LJ and jogging along with her as they hunted the grounds

"Oh yeah," agreed LJ as she looked around.

"Really?" asked Tracy in surprise.

"No not really," said LJ in exasperation.

"Sorry," said Tracy with a rueful chuckle as they both stopped to check some bushes.

"This place is a mad house," said LJ with a roll of her eyes.

"Yeah it really is," said Tracy affectionately, "Can I tell you a secret LJ?"

"We're being filmed for 'Punked'?" asked LJ wryly but did actually glance around for cameras as she said that.

"No," said Tracy with a laugh, "I've always had a bit of a thing for lady zookeepers."

"Really?" asked LJ and now it was her turn to sound surprised.

"Yes," admitted Tracy a little sheepishly, "I think it is the uniforms – there is just something about a woman in khaki."

LJ's eyebrows shot up at that admission.

"Are we having a nice, kinda flirty little moment or is this just weird for you?" asked Tracy hesitantly.

LJ just looked back at the tall, handsome blonde man steadily before replying.

"I'm not sure," she said, her face giving nothing away, "Turn around."

Tracy looked a little surprised by the request but did as he was asked. LJ eyed his backside carefully before telling him to turn back around again.

"It's a moment," she informed him with just the barest smile.

"Nice," said Tracy, flashing a big grin at her.

Roman Two stuck his head out of a row of trees to find Julie sitting on a bench.

"Hey," he said with a smile, "You alright?"

"Yes," she said quickly, "I was just ah-"

"Taking a breather?" offered Roman Two easily.

"Yes," said Julie ruefully, "I wasn't really prepared for all of this running."

"I think it is safe to say no one is ever truly prepared for what goes on in this house," said Roman Two conversationally as he took a seat next to her, "Take Christmas day for example – Santa got stuck in the chimney and then had his dangly bits attacked by a rabid peacock."

"Peacocks usually aren't that aggressive," said Julie in surprise.

"I think the general consensus in these parts is that Smokey is Satan or at least one of his high ranking minions," said Roman Two in amusement.

"Wow," said Julie with a shake of her head.

"Julie what are you doing?" asked LJ as she and Tracy ran past and stopped to talk to her.

"Strategising?" offered up Julie hopefully.

"We have to find this aardvark," her friend reminded Julie in exasperation.

"I'm just not used to all of this running," Julie complained before explaining to Roman Two, "I look after the giant tortoises at the zoo – I can out run them."

"That's because they don't move," said LJ with a roll of her eyes.

"They move," Julie protested, "Granted not at great speeds but if a giant tortoise was loose in these ground we would have already caught it."

"Well keep looking," said LJ firmly, "I don't know how I'm going to explain coming back with an empty cage."

"We could take one of the flamingos instead," offered up Julie.

"You don't think our boss could tell the difference between a flamingo and an aardvark?" asked LJ wryly.

"Not if we painted it grey," said Julie brightly, "And we break his glasses."

LJ shook her head as Roman Two and Tracy gave a bit of a chuckle.

"We'll call that Plan B," said LJ dryly before she and Tracy headed off again.

"Giant tortoises huh?" said Roman Two thoughtfully, "That's pretty cool."

"They're great," said Julie affectionately, "So sweet and patient. You can do just about anything to them. Sometimes when I'm alone with them I like to put lipstick on them and little hats and-"

Julie stopped abruptly, looking over at an amused looking Roman Two uncertainly.

"I don't really do that," she said hastily, "Even when I'm really bored and have nothing else to do."

"Of course you don't," agreed Roman Two seriously.

"Because that would be weird," said Julie, throwing a sideways glance at him, "Right?"

"I have women stuffing money down my g-string for a living," said Roman Two casually, "I'm not sure I'm the one to ask Jules."

The two of them smiled at each other at that.

"This is getting us nowhere fast," declared EJ in frustration.

"Oh I don't know," said Eric with a casual shrug, "We're getting some exercise."

"Yes but no aardvark," said EJ in exasperation, "I think we have to escalate this."

"That sounds ominous," said Eric hesitantly.

"I just mean that there is a tranquilliser gun in our artillery and perhaps it is time to use it?" said EJ decisively.

"My thoughts exactly," said LJ, emerging from a row of trees with Tracy bringing up the rear, "I'll get into position and then we just have to flush her out and then this will all be over with."

"I'm loving the sound of that LJ," said EJ with a grateful smile.

By now the group on the hill really was a crowd with John, Steve, Sami and the twins, Joseph, Sheri and Bella all camped out. Sami was serving drinks and snacks and everyone was really getting into the swing of things. EJ had popped up to tell them their latest plan and now everyone was waiting in anticipation for the plan to be put into action. LJ was sitting up with Sami and the others, just a little below them because that afforded her the best view of what was going on in the gardnes. The plan was that everyone would walk through the grounds from different ends and make a lot of noise and hopefully Tina would run out of the bushes and LJ would have a clean shot.

"I'm kind of rooting for the aardvark," admitted Sheri in a quiet aside to Bella.

"Good for you bread lady," said John, overhearing and nodding approvingly.

Eric walked up and smiled at them all.

"EJ has sent me to protect you all in case Tina makes it past LJ," he announced with a grin.

"Oh I do love a man who knows how to take care of people," said Bella with a little flutter of her eyelashes and Eric's smile widened at that.

"I'm all about the women and children ma'am," he drawled, tugging on an imaginary hat in a show of gentlemanly deference before looking over at John, "And assorted weirdos of course."

John looked behind himself at that and not seeing who Eric was looking at turned back with an impassive shrug.

"What's your plan to stop Tina Eric if she does come this way?" asked Sami, a little nervous now.

"She won't," said Eric confidently.

"And if she does?" asked Sami sceptically.

"Then I'll think of something," said Eric easily.

"Mm," said Sami, not sounding overly convinced, "Come here darlings."

She drew her children in close to her just in case they had to make a run for it.

"Okay!" EJ called out, "Here we go everyone!"

LJ was settled in, her tranquilliser gun at the ready as she watched and waited for Tina to appear.

"Can anyone else hear that buzzing?" asked Joseph as EJ's posse began to rattle the bushes in the hopes of flushing Tina out.

"I hear ringing," offered up Bella helpfully, "But I think that is from being upside down for so long."

"I hear voices," stated John casually.

"No big surprise there," said Sami with a roll of her eyes.

"Oh no," said Joseph just as Tina appeared out in the open, the group closing in on her to usher her closer to LJ, "It's a bee."

Joseph, who was still holding his defunct shoe began batting it at the air, hoping to take out the little insect before he got stung.

"Oh my god it's a bee!" he declared in horror, his swiping becoming more frantic now, "It's a bee, it's a BEE!"

Panic had Joseph's hand sweating so as he flailed the shoe around in the air manically it actually flew out of his hand and hit the back of the unsuspecting Bella who was currently engrossed in checking the action which was in her case Eric's butt. Bella gave a little cry and staggered forward, still not that steady on her feet and her high heels dug into the soft grass so that she actually fell out of them. She fell forward, rolling down the gentle incline just as Eric turned around to see what Joseph was screaming about. Bella barrelled into him, taking out Eric's legs and he fell backwards, his body twisted awkwardly.

Unfortunately for everyone concerned Eric had been fairly close to LJ whilst she'd been aiming the tranquilliser gun and one of his flailing arms connected with her legs as he tumbled to his back on the ground, Bella coming to a stop with her head between his legs. LJ's knees buckled at the unexpected contact and she promptly dropped to her knees which actually ended up with her straddling Eric's shoulders, his head between her legs as the sound of the gun going off filled the air...


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter NINETEEN**** – ****Oh How the Mighty Have Fallen**

Everyone froze at the sound of the gun going off, except for Tina who seemed to take the noise as a starter's pistol and just made a run for it yet again with Roger still on her back. The silence following the gun shot and the sound of scampering aardvark feet was broken by the click of a cell phone again. Everyone looked at Roman Two again who had just taken a picture of Eric, Bella and LJ.

"Was that of us?" asked Eric, not quite able to see because of LJ's thighs.

"Aha," said Roman Two with a grin.

"Guess I've got a new facebook avi," said Eric in satisfaction, "This would be arguably the best morning of my life if I wasn't lying on a rock."

"Sorry," said LJ, blushing a little as she hurriedly climbed off him.

Bella however took a little more time.

"I'm not," said Bella unapologetically as she lifted her face from Eric's crotch.

"Me neither," said Eric with a cheeky wink.

Whilst this flirting was going on Sami had other things on her mind. The tranquiller dart was moving so fast when the gun went off that it took Sami a moment to realise what happened but the bark flying off a tree behind the row of men told her that it hit the tree. For a moment Sami was relieved until she realised that the unfortunately the dart had hit the tree at such an angle that it had ricocheted off the tree and turned back around, hitting one of the men that had been trying to round up Tina. EJ gave a squawk, his hands going to his backside as his eyes widened in disbelief.

"EJ!" Sami cried out in distress as EJ turned around to try and see his backside and gave everyone a good view of the tranquilliser dart that was now sticking out of his left buttock, "OH NO!"

"Oh crap," said LJ, pulling a face, "This is going to involve a lot of paperwork."

"Wow," said Steve in utter disbelief at what he'd just witnessed, "The odds of something like that happening are next to impossible."

"Do you know what this is?" asked John, folding his arms in front of himself and nodding in satisfaction, "Llama."

"Llama?" asked Bella in confusion, looking at John askew, "Do you have a llama hidden away as well?"

"I think he means karma," said Steve distractedly throwing his thoughts on the subject in as all eyes were glued to EJ.

"EJ are you alright?" asked Sami, calling out to him anxiously.

"Absolutely sweetheart," EJ reassured her but already he was beginning to stagger around.

"I'll suck the poison out!" exclaimed Sheri loudly, sticking her hand up in the air.

Everyone turned and looked at her with varying expressions of surprise and amusement at her outburst.

"Did I say that aloud or just think it?" asked Sheri out of the side of her mouth to her companion, arm still high in the air.

"Aloud," said Bella in amusement.

"Oh snickerdoodles," said Sheri in embarrassment, lowering her hand and looking sheepish.

"Oh my god he's going to die!" Sami began to scream, "EJ!"

She looked at Ali and Johnny and smiled a huge fake smile to them.

"It's alright darlings," Sami reassured them brightly, conscious of not frightening them.

Sami was frightened enough for all of them.

"You stay with Great and Uncle Steve," she said, trying for all the world to sound calm.

They nodded happily enough, actually engrossed in a cheese stick they were sharing more than anything else right then for which Sami was very grateful. Sami turned and ran then and was by his side as EJ began to get decidedly unsteady on his feet.

"Hello darling," EJ greeted her cheerfully enough even as his words began to slur a little, "It's alright, I shink I'm completely unasshected, no need to get upshet."

Tracy and Roman Two quickly moved in and grabbed either side of EJ to hold him up.

"It's alright," said LJ, rushing up as well, "The tranquilliser isn't going to hurt him, just possibly knock him out. He'd weigh about the same as an aardvark."

"Hey look!" exclaimed EJ brightly, pointing an unsteady finger at LJ, "It's tha zoo lashdy – did you catch your shaaaardvark yet?"

"Not so much," said LJ with a wrinkle of her nose.

"Well this isn't good," said Julie in exasperation as she looked at EJ in mild horror.

"I know," LJ groaned, "I don't know what I'm going to write in my report."

"Can I have a copy of it when you're done?" asked Julie brightly, "Something tells me it could be a real page turner."

"You know I can't help but feel the teeniest responsible for this," Joseph fretted as everyone crowded around EJ in concern.

"That's because this is all your fault Joe!" Sami snapped, too fraught over EJ's condition to temper her words.

"I'm allergic to bees!" Joseph protested hotly, "One sting from them and I could die, it was a matter of life or death kitten!"

Joseph paused then and pulled a face.

"Or is that wasps that I'm allergic to?" he pondered, suddenly thoughtful, "I can never remember. Remind me, which one makes the honey?"

"Bees Joe," said Tracy helpfully.

"Oh shoot well it's not that one then," said Joseph pursing his lips, "It must be wasps I'm allergic to."

He wrinkled his nose.

"Oh see now I really feel bad."

"We have to get EJ to a hospital!" Sami said urgently, not caring about bees and wasps right then.

"It will probably be quicker if you just drive him," said Julie calmly, "He's not in any real danger, worst case scenario he passes out."

"Okay," said Eric, taking charge, "We get EJ to a car and drive him to the hospital. EJ can you walk?"

"Yup," said EJ with a big goofy grin before his legs gave way completely.

"I'm going to take that as no," grunted Eric as he and Tracy suddenly had to take all of his weight, "A little help Ro."

Roman Two quickly grabbed EJ's legs, holding them out behind him.

"Whee!" said EJ excitedly, sticking his hands out in front of him, "I'm flying!"

"Well someone is having fun," said Tracy with a grimace as they tried to hold onto the less than co-operative man as he threw himself about in their arms.

"Shup shup and ashway!" announced EJ in delight, clearly living out his Superman fantasies.

"Wish he had the cape and leave nothing to the imagination tights that went with that statement," observed Julie a little wistfully.

This earned her an exasperated look from LJ.

"What?" she said with an unapologetic shrug, "I was meant to be scraping out tortoise poop from their enclosure right now – this is a nice break in routine for me."

"It's going to be alright honey," said Sami with a brave smile as she put her face on level with EJ's.

"Shamacha!" exclaimed EJ in delight, "You can scfly too!"

"Ah sure okay," said Sami, her smile wavering a bit as she played along.

"I'll get the door!" offered up Joseph quickly, obviously looking to redeem himself.

He hurried over to the French doors and held them open as the men carried the happily flying EJ.

"I'm scho high up, schall the people look like antsh!" observed EJ in wonder as he looked down at the ground.

"Possibly because they _are_ ants," muttered Tracy with a roll of his eyes as EJ continued to wiggle about and made carrying him hard.

"Here we go Lolly," said Joseph brightly as he held the door eager to help.

However as he stepped back to make way for the men his socked foot slipped on the polished wooden floors and he ended up sliding and losing his balance, kicking the French door he'd just opened. It swung shut, right on EJ's head, making a concerning thunk noise.

"Uh oh," said Joseph with a grimace.

"EJ!" exclaimed Sami in distress.

"Yessh my shlove?" said EJ with a bleary eyed smile up at her.

"Are you alright?" asked Sami in concern.

"About half pasht nine," replied EJ easily.

"That's probably the drugs talking," said Joseph with a hopeful little smile.

"As opposed to the brain damage you mean?" said Sami in exasperation.

By now Steve was laughing so hard he had to keep on stopping to wipe the tears from his only good eye so he could continue to watch the show. Still laughing loudly Steve answered his cell phone when it rang.

"Hello?" he chortled into the receiver.

"Steve where are you?" asked Kayla in mild frustration, "Little Joe and I are waiting for you."

"Sorry sweetness," said Steve distractedly before giving another chuckle as the men tried to man handle EJ through the French doors.

"What are you doing?" asked Kayla suspiciously.

"Watching a train wreck," Steve told her laughingly.

"I don't think I should let you over to that house without a chaperon," observed Kayla in exasperation.

"I'll be home soon honey," Steve promised her, "Looks like the aardvark hunt is over for now as everyone is going to the hospital."

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone as it seemed like Steve had started stringing random words together in a sentence.

"Okay," she said at last, "But when you get home you've got a lot of explaining to do mister."

"If I can get a hold of Roman Two before he goes that explanation will have pictures to go with it," said Steve with a grin.

He hung up then and gave a regretful look at John.

"I have to go now," said Steve with a sigh, "But thanks for a fun morning."

"You're welcome Patches," said John easily.

"Do you think EJ will be alright?" he asked, looking over to where everyone else had just disappeared into the house.

"Depends if he tries to take my aardvark again," said John seriously to which Steve gave a chuckle.

"I'll go and bring the car around," Sami said quickly, running off to get her keys.

"Man I hope my sister's next husband is lighter," said Eric with a grunt as he tried to get a better grip on the man who now seemed to think he was swimming, arms flailing about.

Eric caught Bella's eyes who were watching the going ons with great interest.

"Not that this is any kind of effort for me of course," he added hastily, straightening up a bit and looking suitably manly.

"Of course not," said a flirty Bella with a flutter of eyelashes towards Eric, "I bet you could hold onto a man's thighs all day."

"Is that something you look for in a man?" asked Sheri, wrinkling her nose and looking a little perplexed.

"I'm out of practice with the flirting thing," muttered Bella in exasperation, "Cut a woman a break."

"You're doing just fine from where I'm standing," offered up Eric with a helpful grin.

Bella gave a pleased little preen at that.

"I want to getch out of cha water!" EJ announced loudly, "My scknees are chold!"

He began to struggle in earnest then and the three men had trouble holding him.

"EJ stop it!" Tracy commanded him, "You have to stay in the water!"

"No!" said a petulant EJ and kicked harder, "I need to peesh."

"What did he just say?" asked a very concerned Roman Two who was holding EJ's legs, "Did he just say he wanted to pee?"

"Let's get him outside," said Eric urgently, "Sami should have gotten the car by now."

They began to move the struggling EJ out towards the foyer and the front door but miscalculated and ran his head into the archway that led into the foyer – another loud banging noise ensued.

"Come in!" EJ called out merrily, seemingly feeling no pain thanks to the tranquilliser as they all grimaced at each other.

"Sami doesn't need to know about that one," said Eric quickly.

"Agreed," said Roman Two without hesitation.

They made it through the front doors at last just as both Marlena and Sami were pulling up.

"Oh my!" Marlena said in horror, "What is going on? What is wrong with EJ?"

"He's been shot!" said Sami dramatically as she rushed over to EJ's side.

"And I only had a very small part to play in that," announced Joseph just as dramatically.

"Shot?" Marlena gasped.

"Tranquilised," clarified Sheri helpfully.

"In the ass," said Julie even more helpfully.

"It was an accident," said LJ, pulling a face, "Otherwise I would have gotten the aardvark."

"You were aiming for EJ's aardvark?" asked Marlena in horror and then paused, "Wait, what does that mean?"

"Your crazy husband brought an aardvark home yesterday and EJ and everyone has been trying to capture her to take her back to the zoo!" said Sami in aggravation as her mother was clearly in the dark, "And now EJ is shot and possibly going to die."

EJ who had seemed to have fallen asleep during all of this suddenly jerked his head up.

"Iche Cream!" he declared loudly.

"You can have ice cream when you've been a good boy in the car," said Eric quickly, "Come on, let's get him in."

Sami scrambled to open the door to the back seat but EJ squirmed again as they tried to put him in and there was another sound of his head cracking against the door frame.

"Careful of his face!"

Joseph, LJ, Julie, Bella and Sheri all spoke as one, looking at each other sheepishly.

"Stop hitting his head!" Sami yelled at them.

"He's big, heavy and wiggly!" Eric complained, "It's not easy Sami!"

"I have a solution," said Steve who had appeared on his way out.

He hurried off to his car and then reappeared with a motor bike helmet.

"This should protect what is left of EJ's grey matter," said Steve helpfully.

Sami looked over at EJ who was now propped up in the car backseat with Eric on one side of him and Joseph on the other and wasn't sure that they needed it any longer. Suddenly EJ lurched forward, his face mushing up against the driver's seat as he began to drool quietly.

"Thanks Uncle Steve," said Sami, grabbing the offered helmet and thrusting it at Joseph, "Put this on!"

"It will mess my hair up kitten," said Joseph, eyeing the offered helmet in concern.

"On EJ Joe!" said Sami in exasperation, "So he won't keep hitting his head."

"Oh right," said Joseph looking a little embarrassed, "That's a better idea."

"Good luck," said Steve as Sami straightened up and Joseph began to try to put the helmet on an uncooperative EJ, "He'll be fine Sami – we'll all look back and laugh on this one day."

"You're doing that already aren't you?" said Sami with a disapproving look up at him.

"A little bit," admitted Steve shamelessly, grinning widely.

"I'll come with you honey," offered up Marlena in concern as she looked in the back seat where EJ was now trying to bite Joseph as he was still attempting to put on the helmet.

"No Mom can you just take care of the twins please?" asked Sami unevenly, "They'll be due a nap soon anyway."

"Of course honey," said Marlena quickly, "Don't you worry about a thing."

"Thanks Mom," said Sami gratefully.

"Bella and I will be going too," said Sheri and patted Sami's arm encouragingly, "I'm sure EJ is going to be fine honey."

"Absolutely," Bella chimed in, "That butt of his looks like it could take quite the beating with no problem."

Sheri looked over at Bella a little askew at that.

"I've been upside down for a big part of today," protested Bella unashamedly at the way she'd phrased that.

"You two will have to come around for afternoon tea one day," said Sami with an apologetic smile, "I promise we will be more normal by then."

"And will your brother be there?" asked Bella, making eye contact with Eric through the car window as he grinned back at her and waved.

"Sure," said Sami with a half smile, "If you'd like."

"I think I would," said Bella with a grin as she and Sheri made their leave.

The two women walked over to Sheri's car.

"I'll suck the poison out?" queried Bella wryly as she and Sheri got into their car.

"It's in the Girl Scout's charter for a den mother to always be prepared to offer help whenever she can," said Sheri defensively, not quite meeting her friend's gaze.

"I read that charter and don't remember the paragraph about putting your lips to the buttocks of gorgeous men," commented Bella, mercilessly teasing her friend.

"Well if there was then we probably wouldn't have the trouble recruiting that we do," Sheri sniffed.

"Can't argue with that," said Bella with a quirk of her lips and a little laugh as they started to drive away.

"We'll meet you at the hospital," said LJ firmly to Sami as she climbed into her car.

"Okay," said Sami with a nod, "You can tell them what was in that dart exactly."

LJ straightened up as Sami started the engine and sped away with EJ, Eric and Joseph in the back.

"So would you ladies like a lift to the hospital?" asked Tracy, looking at LJ in particular with a hopeful smile.

"We're not helpless you know," said LJ in mild exasperation, clearly still concerned about what had happened that morning.

"We know," said Roman Two teasingly, "You just shot a man in the ass."

"It was an accident," protested LJ with a grimace.

"It would have to be," said Julie knowingly, "No one would willingly hurt that ass."

Roman Two laughed at that.

"We'll take our truck," said LJ.

"Well I've got to go to work unfortunately," said Roman Two with a regretful sigh, "I'll call later to see how the big guy is going."

"Well in that case I might as well go with you lovely ladies," said Tracy brightly, "Conserve gas and all that."

"Yeah because you're all about saving the planet right?" said Roman Two teasingly.

"I can be," said Tracy indignantly.

"Particularly if it means being sandwiched between two hot women," observed Roman Two wryly.

"I'm willing to take that hit for the environment," said Tracy unrepentantly.

Marlena walked through the foyer and living room out into the garden and saw John still sitting in his chair, the twins playing beside him happily.

"What have you done now John Black?" she asked in exasperation, putting her hands on her hips and shaking her head at him.

John just looked back at her, a slow smile coming to his lips.

"I have no idea what you're talking about Blondie," he said with absolute innocence, "Now come and meet the newest member of our family."


	20. Chapter 20

**AUTHOR'S NOTE****: **Okay, so just a quick note from me. First of all thank you for sticking with me throughout this saga guys, it is much appreciated. In particular thank you to my latest reviewer who is anonymous and just calls herself huge fan. I would have replied personally but will do it here instead. Thank you for your very kind words and I'm always thrilled when my stories make people laugh. That is just so wonderful and amazing to me so thank you so much for sharing your pleasure with me.

Now I must confess that I've had this chapter written for months and had thought I'd already posted it but nope, turns out that I haven't. Whoops. So here it is now and sorry to everyone that I left hanging. I fully intend to come back and finish this fic but right now I'm concentrating hard on "Fated", my mega story which unbelievably I'm almost done with. Colour me excited! Anyways, I want to get that story done and dusted and then concentrate of this story amongst a few others I've got brewing in the back of my mind.

If you enjoy the humour of this one I've got a couple of fics coming up that you might enjoy as well. One is "A Liar & a Thief" which is an AU EJami fic with them in Bucharest in 1919. It should be a rollicking good adventure. My other fic I'm percolating is called "An Unkindness of Ravens" and stars EJami and yes, Uncle John. LOL Again it is an AU fic which is going to be written as a schlocky B-grade creature feature complete with suitably disgusting parasites inhabiting people's body. Man I'm a sucker for those. LOL Can you imagine Uncle John in that kind of situation... he'll be bringing his straw for sure. ;)

But back on task, here is the next chapter of this story and as I said, I will be working on "Fated" before getting back to this one so maybe a month or so, not sure. I'm notoriously bad at judging these things and then oh yes, real life gets in the way. Silly real life. But I promise I will finish this fic and there are good and bad times ahead and hopefully a lot more laughs. Thanks for your patience guys. :D

**Chapter TWENTY**** – ****All is Well That Ends Well**

"Oh I feel like I'm in an episode of Universal Hospital," said Joseph excitedly as he trotted alongside Sami and Eric who had EJ in a wheelchair as they hurried down halls of SU hospital.

"Why do these things keep happening to us?" asked Sami with a groan, not exactly sharing his enthusiasm.

"John," said Eric easily.

"Don't remind me," said Sami darkly as they rounded a corner into the ER.

EJ for his part was happily singing away at the top of his voice as they hurried along.

"SHOME WHERE OVHER CHA RAINBOW BLAH BLAH HIGH!"

"Who knew the guy would know so many show tunes?" said Eric, trying to hide his amusement from his decidedly unamused sister.

"I think that is me," said Joseph with a wrinkle of his nose, "I gave the twins the entire showcase of everything Judy Garland ever sang and we like to sing them together."

"EJ honey you have to stop singing," Sami said, putting her face level with EJ's.

EJ's face lit up at seeing her.

"Schamantha!" he said ecstatically, "Youse here!"

"Of course I am EJ," said Sami with a vaguely pained smile, "We're at the hospital and we're going to get you some help okay?"

"Oshay," said EJ, bobbing his head and looking very serious, mimicking Sami's expression.

Just then Tracy, LJ and Julie appeared from around the corner.

"Sorry," LJ apologised, "Parking was a nightmare – have you seen a doctor yet?"

"No not yet," said Sami, looking around herself for a doctor, "EJ was being difficult and we took awhile to get him out of the car."

"That helmet came in real handy," said Eric knowingly, rapping his knuckles on the top of EJ's helmet.

"Come in!" called out EJ merrily.

"How long do you think he'll be like this for?" asked Sami in concern, biting her lip anxiously.

"Well usually that dose knocks an aardvark out for about an hour," said LJ thoughtfully, "But a human's metabolism is different to an aardvark's and the fact EJ is still conscious makes me think he must weigh a little more than the aardvark."

"So you don't know," said Sami with a pained expression.

"Not really," said LJ apologetically, "This doesn't happen too often thank goodness."

"Here comes a doctor," Julie announced, looking at the woman in a white coat walking towards them.

Eric and Tracy blanched to see who it was, the doctor from only a couple of days ago who had tended to their Smokey inflicted wounds. The doctor arched an eyebrow at seeing them as the two men tried to give frantic little shakes of their head to her. Dr Wells' professional smile didn't alter as she looked down at EJ.

"So what do we have here?" she asked calmly, "Motor bike accident?"

"No," said Sami unevenly, "My husband was shot."

"In the butt," said Joseph.

"With a tranquilliser meant for an aardvark," finished off Julie.

Cory looked from one to the other and then back at EJ whose head was now listing to one side.

"Please tell me you didn't bring this man over here on the back of motor bike," said Cory with some concern, crouching down in front of EJ to get a better look.

"No the helmet was for his protection," said Tracy blithely, relieved that the doctor wasn't going to be giving anything away about their last misadventures, "You may want to check for concussion though doc – we banged his head a few times before coming up with the helmet idea."

"A few times!" said Sami in horror.

"I mean once," said Tracy hastily, "I meant to say once or at the most twice."

"Right," said Cory, straightening up, "I guess we should take a look at him then hm?"

"I've got information for you about the tranquilliser and the dosage," volunteered LJ.

"Oh good," said Cory, "If you don't mind coming with me for a moment and I'll check our drugs manual."

Cory looked at the little group then and nodded at a vacant room.

"Why don't you take-"

"EJ," Sami volunteered hurriedly.

"EJ into that room there and put him on the bed," said Cory, "I'll be there in a minute to do an examination. Oh and I think we can lose the helmet."

"No problem," said Eric, happy to help.

The two women walked off as the rest of them wheeled EJ over into the room the doctor had indicated. Sami swayed a little as she walked through the door.

"Sami?" said Eric in concern as she put an unsteady hand to the door frame.

"I'm okay," said Sami, looking suddenly pale, "Just a little dizzy. I haven't eaten in a little while."

"Low blood sugar?" asked Julie sympathetically.

"Pregnant," said Sami, unable to help but smile a little as she said that.

"Oh well I know all about that," said Julie with an answering smile, "Why don't we go and get you some juice hm?"

"I don't want to leave EJ," said Sami worriedly, looking at the now dozing EJ as he sat up in the wheelchair, sans the helmet which Eric had just removed.

"We'll only be gone a minute and I'm sure he'd be cross to think you weren't taking proper care of yourself," Julie reassured her, "Come on honey."

Julie took Sami's arm and ushered her out of the room on the way to a vending machine she'd seen down the hallway.

"Take care of EJ!" Sami called out over her shoulder as she was led away.

"Hey it's us," said Eric confidently, "Go get your drink."

The three men all turned to look at EJ then.

"Hey EJ," said Tracy, shaking EJ's shoulder, "Want to wake up and get into bed for us?"

"My willy ish all shingily," announced EJ blearily before promptly falling back asleep.

"More than I needed to know," said Eric with a grimace.

"Oh I don't know," said Joseph looking rather interested, "I could hear more on that subject."

"Okay let's just get the big guy into the bed," said Eric.

Tracy, Eric and Joseph awkwardly attempted to lift the slumbering EJ out of his wheel chair, longs arms and legs and the fact that he was a dead weight making the job extremely difficult.

"Okay," grunted Eric, "On the count of three everyone pull up at once and we'll move him onto the bed okay?"

The other two men nodded, Tracy having EJ's legs, Eric his hands under EJ's arms and Joseph jealously guarding EJ's middle.

"One... two... THREE!"

They all heaved together although unfortunately their combined strength proved to be a little too much in the end as EJ was pulled from his wheel chair and launched onto the waiting bed only to have too much momentum and promptly bounce right off it again and hit the hospital floor on the other side of the bed. All three men gave a gasp of horror and hurried over to where EJ was now face down on the hospital floor. No one spoke for a long moment.

"Me thinkst we took the helmet off too early," volunteered Tracy, scratching his cheek thoughtfully as EJ began to snore peacefully.

"Just so we're clear," said Eric, looking over his shoulder nervously for Sami, "That never happened right?"

"I'll add it to the list," Tracy sighed in resignation.

"Oh I do hope my Lolly's beautiful face is still alright," fretted Joseph anxiously.

"Why Joe?" Tracy teased him, "Wouldn't you love EJ as much if he wasn't so pretty?"

"Honey have you seen the man?" said Joseph with a roll of his eyes, "He's a smorgasbord of delights. Frankly it would almost be a relief to have one less thing to ogle about him – it's tiring trying to fit all of it in some days."

"Geez Joe," said Eric with a shake of his head, "So much man, so little time huh?"

Just then Cory and LJ walked back in.

"Are you talking about my patient?" asked Cory, looking between them and then looking around, "Actually where is my patient?"

The three men looked down at the ground guiltily where they stood on the other side of the bed. Cory walked around to see EJ lying on the floor, still unconscious. She looked at them all in horror.

"It's a process," said Eric with a weak smile, "We got him out of the wheelchair first onto the floor."

"With only a brief stop on the bed," said Joseph brightly.

"Joe!" said Eric in exasperation, "What he means in we're going to put EJ on the bed now."

"Alright," said Cory, looking sceptical, "Just please be careful with him. Now if you and your partner can just lift him onto the bed for me."

"Partner?" repeated LJ in surprise, looking at Tracy sharply.

"We're not gay," said Eric hastily.

"I'm straight!" said Tracy quickly, nodding his head emphatically at LJ.

"I'm not," volunteered Joseph gaily.

"Oh I'm sorry," said Cory apologetically, "I didn't mean to out you two."

"You didn't because we're not in," said Tracy urgently, "Not in any kind of closet unless it is a big old heterosexual closet. Trust me, Eric and I are definitely not a couple, no way, no how – last guy on the face of the earth."

"So what are you saying Tracy?" asked Eric, looking a bit miffed now at the other man's vehement denials, "I'm not good enough for you, is that it?"

"I didn't say that," said Tracy with a frown and looking at Eric in confusion, "I just don't find you sexually attractive is all."

"And what, you're speaking for all men are you?" asked Eric, folding his arms in front of himself in annoyance, "That no man could ever find me attractive, that I'm repellent in every way and will probably die alone and unloved? Well you're not all that yourself you know!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Tracy, looking offended now.

"You have a freakishly large forehead," announced Eric defiantly, "It's like God got distracted when he was making you and forgot what he was doing for a moment and just kept making forehead."

"No it's not!" said Tracy in horror but put a hand to his forehead a little uncertainly anyway.

"If it helps any I'd do both of you in a heartbeat," offered up Joseph cheerfully.

"Thanks Joe," said Eric, "You're a real friend."

He glared over at Tracy.

"Unlike some people I could mention," he finished in a huff.

"Dude do you really want me to be wanting to be having sex with you?" asked Tracy in exasperation.

"Hell no!" said Eric in horror.

"Then what is the problem here?" exclaimed Tracy, waving his hands around in frustration, "I don't want to do you, you don't want to do me-"

"And I still want to do either one of you so I think it all comes out nicely," said Joseph readily.

"Sorry man," said Eric with a grimace, "Don't know what happened there – lost it for a moment."

"Are you sure it's only EJ who has the possible concussion?" asked Cory uncertainly, looking between the two men.

"Unfortunately yes," said Eric with a self deprecating laugh.

"And we're clear on the being straight stuff right?" asked Tracy, nodding hopefully at LJ.

"I guess," said LJ, thoughtfully pursing her lips, "Although to be sure I guess you could prove it."

"I think that can be arranged," said Tracy with a big grin.

"Okay so I think I've got this straight now," said Cory with a wry smile as she pointed to each of the men in turn, "You're straight, you're straight, you're gay and my patient is still on the floor."

"Correct," said Eric happily.

"Any chance one of those conditions could be cured?" asked Cory straight faced.

"Oh honey, believe me I've tried," said Joseph with a dramatic sigh, "These two aren't turning."

Joseph paused briefly before continuing.

"But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to be around in case they ever do," he finished off with a hopeful smile at them both.

'Never going to happen Joe," Eric informed him and Tracy nodded.

"A girl can dream," Joseph sighed.

"Actually the condition I was referring to was EJ being on the floor," said Cory wryly.

"Oh right," said Eric with a grimace, "Of course."

They'd just gotten EJ back into the bed when Sami arrived back, a bottle of juice in her hand.

"How is he?" she asked worriedly.

"Sleeping like a tranquillised baby," said Eric helpfully.

"I'm just about to examine him now," said Cory, "If everyone could just leave."

"Me too?" asked Sami unhappily.

"Just for a minute," said Cory kindly, "I promise."

Everyone trailed out of EJ's room as Cory began her examination.

"Are you mad at me kitten?" asked Joseph fretfully of Sami as they all waited outside, "You know how much I love Lolly and his bottom – I'd never do anything to hurt either."

"I know Joe," said Sami with a little smile as they moved to hug one another, "I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier. It's just that if anything happened to EJ I don't know what I'd do."

"He's going to be fine sis," Eric comforted her, "EJ's a big guy – he's just going to sleep this off – no harm, no foul."

"And no aardvark," observed Julie practically.

"I know," said LJ with a sigh, "Today's been somewhat of a bust."

Everyone nodded, agreeing with that assessment. A few minutes later Dr Wells returned and smiled reassuringly at everyone.

"He's going to be fine," she announced, "Blood pressure is good, all his vitals are perfect-"

"You got to see his vitals?" interrupted Joseph enviously, "You lucky duck!"

"I'll say," said Julie, sounding envious as well.

"What I mean is that EJ is completely unharmed by the tranquilliser," said Cory with a quirk of her lips, "Just a bit out of it."

"Oh thank goodness," Sami gasped, putting a hand to her heart, "I was so worried."

"There's no need to be," said Cory calmly, "Your husband is going to be perfectly alright. We'll just keep him in until later on this afternoon and he should be more coherent then. As soon as he is he can go home."

"Thank you," said Sami gratefully.

"Now there is just some paperwork I need you to fill out," said Cory evenly, "If you can come this way Sami?"

"Sure," said Sami with a nod and followed after the doctor.

"I need to call the zoo," said LJ with a sigh, "Tell them where we're at."

"I don't think they like you using cell phones here honey," said Joseph with a shake of his head.

"Use the one next to EJ's bed," offered up Eric, "He's not going to be using it anytime soon."

"Good idea," LJ said and headed into EJ's room.

He was lying on the bed, stretched out and still looking completely out of it. LJ quickly made her phone call and let them know that she and Julie were coming back soon sans an aardvark. She hung up after deciding to make the shooting incident more of a face to face thing with her boss when EJ roused a little.

"Schmantha?" said EJ groggily, coming vaguely awake but not opening his eyes.

LJ opened her mouth to correct him but EJ's hand came out and happened to land on her bottom, squeezing it appreciatively.

"I love sure b-buttsh," said EJ, fondling LJ's bottom with a dreamy smile on his face, eyes still closed, "I want to kish it all over."

LJ pursed her lips, briefly considering the offer after the day she'd just had as EJ continued to massage her derrière.

"I can't say I'm not tempted gorgeous," she said with a quirk of her lips, "But I've got enough paperwork to fill out as it is – I don't want to add that to my list."

LJ took a step back and EJ made an unhappy noise as her bottom eluded him.

"No," he pouted, clutching at the air.

"Sorry," said LJ with a half smile, "I'm no home wrecker but thanks for the pick me up."

LJ walked back out of EJ's room to the others.

"How is he?" asked Tracy solicitously.

"Awake and kind of handsie," said LJ wryly.

Joseph's eyes lit up at that information.

"Out of my way!" he declared, elbowing the others out the way as he bolted into EJ's room.

EJ turned his head as he entered, eyes still not open.

"Schamantha?" he said unevenly.

Joseph looked over his shoulder surreptitiously to make sure he was alone before taking the plunge.

"Yes EJ it's me," Joseph said in what he hoped was his best imitation of Sami's voice.

"I lovsch youse," said EJ with a big goofy grin, his arm out and flaying about and obviously wanting 'Sami' to come closer.

Joseph hurried over to his bedside to and grabbed EJ's hand, directing it to his backside.

"And I love you too you big hunk of man flesh," said Joseph happily as EJ squeezed his backside.

"That in no way sounds like me," noted Sami dryly.

Joseph gave a little start and jumped away from EJ, looking very guilty.

"It isn't what it looks like!" he blurted out.

"It looks like you're taking advantage of my drugged husband to cop a feel," said Sami, folding her arms in front of her chest and giving him a pointed look.

"Well okay yes, it is what it looks like then," said Joseph with a winsome smile, "But for the record I would have referred to it more as proactively seeking out being in the right place at the right time."

"I bet you would," said Sami with a little laugh, not overly upset.

After all who could blame anyone for getting a little EJ action whenever and however they could?

"Okay," said LJ and nodding at Julie, "We'd better be getting back to the zoo. Tell EJ that I'll ring him about the aardvark situation when he's feeling a little more-"

"Copus mentum?" offered up Eric helpfully.

"Yes," said LJ wryly.

"Before you go," said Tracy, sidling up to LJ, "I was wondering if you were doing anything Saturday night?"

"I don't know," said LJ with a little smile, "Am I?"

Tracy's face lit up then as LJ drew out a pen and wrote her phone number on his hand.

"Give me a call," she said with another smile, "And if you're lucky I might wear the khaki on our date."

"Alright," said Tracy, liking the sound of that as the two women said their goodbyes and left the little group.

"Well, well," noted Julie in amusement, "Looks like you shot one man and bagged another – pretty impressive score card for a mornings work I'd say."

"I've had worse days at work," said LJ, looking pretty pleased with herself before giving a bit of a grimace, "Shooting EJ was a bit of a bummer though."

"Literally and figuratively," agreed Julie readily as they headed down the hospital corridors, "I wonder if Hallmark makes a 'Sorry I shot you in the ass when aiming for an aardvark' card."

"I'd be pretty afraid if they did," noted LJ seriously.

Cory walked up to the remainder of the group as Joseph emerged from EJ's room, Sami staying with him.

"Well you three are seeing a bit of this hospital lately," she observed now that there was no more need for discretion as it was just them.

"It's a regular thing at our household," said Eric with a roll of his eyes, "Someone is always being driven to the hospital at some point, usually poor old Rolf."

"Rolf?" repeated Cory, the name ringing a bell as someone she'd treated in the past, "Is he an Austrian man in his fifties and usually accompanied by tall, dark haired man who is rather... ahh... interesting."

"Aha," said Eric, knowing immediately who she was referring to, "That's John – usually the cause of all of our calamities."

"So how do you know this John?" asked Cory, curious despite herself and remembering the times she'd had a few conversation with the singular man.

"He's mine and Sami's step father," said Eric.

"And EJ's uncle," continued on Tracy.

"And my hero," sighed Joseph happily.

"That's quite the family you have going on there," observed Cory.

"Doc," said Eric seriously, "You have no idea."

Sami leant over EJ and stroked his forehead lovingly.

"I'm going to go now EJ and check on the twins but I'll be back," she said huskily, kissing his lips softly.

EJ's arm immediately came up and wrapped itself around her waist, preventing Sami from leaving.

"Schmantha," he sighed happily, "I misshed you sho muchh."

"I know honey," said Sami with a little smile, "I missed you too but you just sleep now and I'll be back soon okay?"

"Promish?" EJ asked with a little pout and looked for all the world like his son in that moment.

"I promise," said Sami, kissing his forehead now and looking down at him adoringly as even then EJ began to drift off to sleep.

**oooOOOOooo**

Twenty minutes later Sami was walking into the DiMera mansion.

"Mom!" she called out as she took her coat off.

"Hello honey," said Marlena, walking down the stairwell, "How's EJ?"

"Alright thank goodness," said Sami with a sigh of relief, "He's sleeping it off right now and should be able to come home this afternoon. I just wanted to check on the twins and give them some lunch and then I'll head back."

"They were so exhausted after all of that excitement they fell asleep on the sofa," said Marlena with an amused smile, "So I just let them be."

"Okay," said Sami easily as she walked into the living room to check on them.

She looked around herself.

"Which sofa Mom?" Sami asked curiously when she didn't see them.

"Oh no," gasped Marlena, coming to stand beside Sami, "They're gone. I only left them for a minute Sami, I swear."

"It's alright Mom," said Sami, swallowing her own panic as she tried not to think about the twins being off by themselves with an aardvark on the loose.

John came out of the kitchen then with Roger on his shoulder.

"John have you seen the twins?" asked Sami anxiously, starting to look round.

"Is this one of those times where I'll say yes and describe them to you and you'll get mad?" asked John suspiciously, "Because if it is I'm not falling for that again."

"Sami means have you seen them recently?" asked a worried Marlena, "Do you know where they are?"

"No," said John with a little shrug, "But I'm sure they're fine."

"Well I'm not!" snapped Sami and then looked at the little monkey on John's shoulder, "Roger, go find the twins, hurry, find Ali and Johnny."

Fortunately they'd discovered that Roger seemed to have quite the tracking ability when it came to the twins and he immediately jumped from John's shoulder and scampered out the French doors.

"Oh no," Sami groaned as she chased after him, realising the twins had indeed gone out into the garden by themselves.

She ran after the little monkey as he scampered down the lawn and into the gardens. Sami was able to keep up with him just and stopped when she saw him sitting by a clump of bushes. Her heart was in her mouth as she faced down every mother's worst nightmare - that something had happened to her children. Sami looked over the bushes to see the most amazing sight. There were the twins, all curled up and fast asleep next to an equally asleep Tina who had obviously been worn completely out by all that running. Sami gave a little gasp and put her hand over her mouth as the unlikely threesome slept soundly away, not a care in the world.

"Oh my," said Marlena as she came up behind Sami and stared at the picture wide eyed, "Can you believe it?"

"Told you," said John smugly as he looked over Sami's shoulder at the peaceful tableau, "All this fuss for nothing."

Sami shook her head, just relieved her children were alright and obviously bonding with the latest addition to the menagerie.

"I guess Tina's here to stay then," Sami said with a bit of a sigh and a smile despite herself.

"Marmalade," announced EJ groggily before rolling over in bed and promptly falling back to sleep.

_All in all just another normal day at the DiMera mansion when all is said and done. _


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter TWENTY ONE**** – ****Home Again, Home Again Jiggedy Jig**

"Now you just go in and take it easy EJ," Sami fussed around him as they walked back into the mansion after she'd picked him up from the hospital around two in the afternoon.

"Darling don't get so worked up sweetheart," EJ tutted, "I'm fine."

"Hey," said Eric with a grin as they walked into the living room, "The Great White Hunter returns – or maybe I should say The Great White Hunted."

"Yes very amusing Eric," said EJ as his face lit up at seeing his children, "Hello darlings!"

"Daddy!" they both squealed and ran over to him, grabbing a leg each as EJ bent over and hugged them.

"How are you feeling EJ?" asked Marlena solicitously from where she was sitting on the sofa.

"Incredibly well rested, thank you Marlena."

"I just can't believe it happened," Sami groaned as she watched EJ gingerly sit down on the chair, the twins immediately clambering all over him, "Johnny, Ali – be careful of Daddy remember!"

"Owwy?" asked Ali with a sympathetic pout of her lips.

"Only a little one," said EJ with a reassuring wink at her.

"Kiss better," she informed him as they always did with her and Johnny in these things and she gave EJ a wet kiss on the lips.

"Me too!" exclaimed Johnny, not to be left out and EJ received another sloppy kiss.

"Well it's settled," said EJ with a big smile at his children's attention, "I'm completely healed."

"I don't see what the big fuss is about," said John, strolling into the room, "It's not like he hasn't been shot before."

"Yes and I'd like the carnage to stop please," said Sami, sending EJ a worried look.

It really did just unravel her to see EJ in any kind of pain or danger.

"It is in my top five goals of my life sweetheart," said EJ with a teasing smile, "And number one on the aforementioned list is giving these wiggling little monkeys some afternoon tea."

"No I'll feed the children," Sami protested with a shake of her head, "You need to rest."

"Samantha I've been unconscious for most of the day," pointed out EJ with a quirk of his lips, "What I absolutely don't need is more rest. It's you who have been driving between the hospital and here all day, you sit down and I'll handle the children."

"But-" began a worried Sami but EJ was waving away her concern.

"It will be fine sweetheart. Just sit down and take it easy for a little while please."

"I'll help," Eric offered, "What kind of food do you guys eat again, is it worms?"

"Nooo!" the twins laughed and shook their heads as EJ and Eric ushered them into the kitchen.

"Oh then it must be chicken beaks," said Eric, ever the tease.

"Nooooo Dunk!"

Sami could hear the twins giggling and carrying on as all four of them disappeared into the kitchen.

"Come and sit down honey," Marlena said, patting the sofa chair beside her.

Sami reluctantly sank down and it was only then did she realise how tired she really was as a weary sigh left her body.

"Bit of a tough day wasn't it?" observed her mother with her usual sympathy.

"Mom if anything really serious had happened to EJ I don't know what I would have done," said Sami, her eyes filling up with tears.

"I still don't understand why everyone is upset," said the ever stoic John as he sat down in the armchair across from them, "You all started it with trying to get rid of Tina."

"No you started it with bringing an aardvark into this house in the first place John," Sami snapped.

She rolled her eyes. "No one should ever have to say such a ridiculous sentence – ever."

"Tina wasn't happy where she was," insisted a stubborn John, "Did you really expect me to leave her there to suffer?"

"So now you can talk to aardvarks is it John?" asked an unimpressed Sami.

"I understand animals," was John's simple reply.

Sami sent him a combative look. "Well you certainly don't understand humans."

"Humans are annoying and unreasonable," John dismissed the species, "Animals are much better than people."

"Does your statement include me John?" asked Marlena with an arched eyebrow.

"You let me touch your boobs so no. But you can still be unreasonable."

"John!" said Sami in horror, "Don't talk to my Mom like that!"

"Like what?" asked John in confusion.

"Like she's nothing but a sex object," said an offended Sami.

"Sami it's alright," Marlena said trying to make peace, "You know John doesn't always express himself well."

"Blondie isn't a sex object, you are Wildcat," John informed her.

"Oh my god," said Sami horror, "What are you saying John, that you're attracted to me?"

John gave her a confused look.

"No that would be like being sexually attracted to a plane's propeller," noted an expressionless John, "Painful and with a lot of screaming resulting in castration and if you're lucky, death."

Sami looked over at her mother who gave a sympathetic grimace.

"I am equal parts relieved and offended to hear you say that John," Sami said as her face darkened.

"Face it Wildcat," said John offhandedly, "You're no decaying peach."

Sami blinked, opened her mouth and closed it again as she tried to work out what such a statement might mean.

"Are you having a stroke?" asked Sami in aggravation, "What you said makes no sense at all John."

"You know," John prompted her, "You're not always a fun time."

"Oh," said Marlena, snapping her fingers, "He means you're no day at the beach."

"Mom!" said Sami in horror to which her mother hastily back tracked.

"Sorry honey, I don't think you're no day at the beach, I was just translating."

"Alright so you find me less attractive then a bloody and violent death John then what is all the talk about me being a sex object?" asked Sami in frustration.

"Well every time I talk about sex you seem to object," John pointed out.

"Oh John," said Marlena with a little laugh.

"What?" he asked with a slight frown, "That's what sex object means isn't it?"

"How can you live with this man Mom?" Sami demanded to know.

"John's not without his charms," said Marlena with a knowing little smile.

"Well I don't see any," Sami grumbled, folding her arms in front of her chest.

**oooOOOOooo**

Eric and EJ were sitting quietly together in the living room, sharing the newspaper between them later that afternoon. Eric had the sports pages on the sofa and EJ was perusing the business section in an armchair and neither looked up as John walked in the room.

"Where's the Wildcat?" he asked with an arched eyebrow.

"Lying down while the children are having their afternoon nap," EJ replied.

He looked up and eyed John. "Why Uncle, do you want to liken her to rotting fruit again?"

"Do I hear a story?" asked Eric with a grin.

"No," EJ with a sigh, "Just my uncle being his usual wonderful self and upsetting my pregnant wife."

"It's not my fault wifey is more crazy than usual," said a decidedly unapologetic John, "It's like walking on fins and beetles around her."

EJ gave a heavy sigh. "I'm still recovering from my misadventure; I don't have the strength to correct him."

"It's pins and needles John," Eric stepping in instead.

"Sure it is," said John with a roll of his eyes.

"But-"

"Pick your battles Eric," EJ advised him.

"Hopefully wifey's nap will make her more friendly," John mused and then veered off abruptly in a completely different conversational direction, "I had a dream last night."

Eric and EJ did look up then from their respective newspapers. John just kept walking then and continued on into the kitchen. Eric looked at EJ who had gone back to scrutinizing the paper.

"Just leave it be," EJ advised him, not looking up.

"But he can't leave it there," protested Eric, his curiosity piqued.

"You don't want to know," EJ assured him, still reading the newspaper in his hands.

"Yes I do," said Eric with a bit of a pout.

EJ did look up then and fixed Eric with a pointed look.

"Really?" asked EJ, looking over the top of his glasses at his brother in law, "You really want to know what a man who comes up with the concept of "Happy Vagina Day" and thinks twenty seven cats jammed into a bedroom is romantic… dreams about? Really, you want to hear about such a man's dreams?"

Eric pulled a face, thinking about his options. John walked back into the room with a sandwich on the plate and Eric shot EJ a defiant look and stalled him.

"So what was the dream about John?" asked Eric, letting his curiosity get the best of him.

"What dream?" asked an expressionless John.

"The dream you just said you had last night," Eric prompted him.

"I had a dream last night?" asked John, this seeming to be news to him.

"You just said you did," nodded Eric while EJ just shook his head at Eric's folly and went back to his paper.

"What was it about?" asked John with interest.

"I don't know," said Eric in exasperation.

"Was it about ferrets?" asked John.

"I don't know," said Eric with a shake of his head, beginning to frown.

"Walruses, maracas, carpel tunnel syndrome, trampolines?" John continued to guess.

"I don't _know_ John!" exclaimed Eric in annoyance.

"Then why did you bring it up?" asked John, looking at Eric like he was some kind of idiot.

"I-I don't know," admitted Eric, confused now himself.

"Is there no one in this house who isn't a weirdo?" John posed the question to no one in particular as he kept walking with his sandwich and disappeared down the hall.

Eric sat back in his seat, staring ahead and looking bemused.

"And what did we learn?" EJ asked him, still reading the paper and not looking up.

"That asking John about his dreams is a bad idea," said Eric, still trying to work out what exactly just happened.

"There you go," said EJ straight faced, turning a page of the newspaper, "Even the slowest train pulls into the station eventually."

"Who dreams about walruses?" asked Eric in consternation.

"Have you not listened to a word I just said?" asked EJ, shaking his head.

**oooOOOOooo**

"And the twins were asleep with Tina?" asked an amazed EJ as they both climbed into bed later that night.

"Like she was a giant, long nosed, ant eating teddy bear," Sami said with a sigh.

"We should have had Ali and Johnny bring in Tina," said EJ with a shake of his head.

EJ pulled up the covers and laid back down on his pillow, Sami moving immediately into his arms.

"I guess she's staying then," said EJ, not sounding particularly thrilled by the idea.

"That's what I said," Sami agreed with a dry little laugh.

"Tina and I are going to have to talk about those holes though," said EJ determinedly, "Eric nearly broke his ankle when he stepped in one."

EJ paused. "And I guess we'll have to sort out her food and make sure her habitat is appropriate. The zoo might consider letting us keep her then."

"Maybe the zoo will let us keep the aardvark if we give them John?" suggested Sami, "A flat out swap."

EJ chuckled. "Would you pay good money to see my Uncle in an exhibition?"

Sami wrinkled her nose. "No but I'd pay good money to see him behind bars."

"He's not so bad."

"That's the tranquillizer talking."

"Possibly."

Sami rested her chin on his chest.

"I nearly died today when I saw you get shot," said Sami painfully, "I don't know what I would have done if-"

EJ interrupted her with a small smile.

"I'd died from a tranquillizer to the ass?"

"LJ was telling me with some animal tranquillizers are so poisonous to humans and if even a little drop gets on a person's skin it can kill them," said Sami biting her bottom lip and not letting him deter her from her worrying, "They even mark the animal's skin where the dart went in so no one will touch the area by accident. What if the dangerous one had been the kind of tranquillizer they were using on Tina? EJ you could have died."

"But it wasn't and I didn't," EJ reminded her gently.

"I wouldn't want to go on without you," said Sami unsteadily.

"But you would because of the children," said EJ huskily.

He gave her a teasing look to lighten the mood.

"But you're not allowed to get married again."

Sami smiled, used to this conversation where they would threaten hauntings and disasters on anyone who might try and take their place.

"But what if he is really, really cute?" Sami asked straight faced, "A girl has needs after all."

"If he's really cute then you absolutely can't marry him," said EJ with mock sternness, "And as for your needs I'm sure the memory of our lovemaking will keep you warm at night."

"What if it doesn't?" asked Sami wide eyed.

"Put on another pair of socks," EJ advised her.

"What if I can't find any?"

"No other men Samantha, that's my final word on the subject."

"What about if I become a lesbian – how do you feel about women?"

"No."

"Do you want to think about it?"

"No. I've ruined you for all other lovers, male or female. The damage is done Samantha."

"I'd consider letting you sleep with men."

"You would?"

"I'd consider it."

"And what would your final decision be after all that considering exactly?"

"More socks obviously."

"More socks," said EJ in agreement.

"More socks," Sami sighed as she snuggled into him.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter TWENTY TWO**** – ****Head of the Household**

"Don't look so nervous," Sami instructed her husband as he paced up and down in front of the window looking out onto the driveway, periodically looking out.

"I want to make sure I get to these fellows before my uncle does," said EJ, not moving from his vantage point. EJ was waiting for the fireworks experts to arrive to discuss the plans for the New Year's Eve party in a couple of days.

"You don't think you're being overly anxious at all?" asked Sami mildly as she continued picking up the twins' toys.

EJ briefly turned from his vigil and looked at her in disbelief. "You were present for the fiery inferno slash flamingo chandelier birthday party of yours and Eric's, weren't you, Samantha?" asked EJ in amazement. "The flames, the swinging flamingo, the generalised chaos."

"I don't think anyone is ever going to forget that party."

"Imagine that kind of mayhem but with my uncle able to get his hands on explosives. My blood runs cold just thinking about it."

"You've hired professionals to look after the fireworks for the New Year's party," Sami reasoned. "I'm sure they know what they are doing."

"Of that I have no doubt, sweetheart, but Uncle John has a way of getting into the thick of things before anyone even knows he is up to something."

"But we're onto him now," Sami said, putting the last of the toys into the play box. "He won't get past us."

"He got a tank past us and even more recently an aardvark. I have a still tender ass as a memento of that little feat."

"My poor baby," Sami said with a little smile as she came up behind him and slipped her arms around his waist, "Has my little EJ still got his boo boo?"

"Yes," said EJ, trying to sound like he was still annoyed about it.

"Even after I kissed it better and everything?" Sami asked cheekily, moving around to stand in front of him, arms still around his waist. Sami was beginning to see the funny side to EJ having been shot by a tranquilliser dart now that a few days had elapsed. She hadn't at the time because she'd been so frightened for EJ. Since they were sure there were no side effects and he was perfectly fine, Sami was beginning to relax about it.

EJ gave a devilish smile, pulling her closer to him. "I've relapsed. I think I'm going to need more ongoing therapy, Dr. DiMera."

"Do you now?" asked Sami with a coy smile as she put her arms around his neck. "You do realise I charge big bucks for house calls?"

"I'll double whatever your fee is if we can start right now."

"Deal," said Sami, going up on her tiptoes and drawing him down into a passionate kiss. They soon became lost in one another as things became more heated and Sami felt EJ's kisses become more urgent. Out of the corner of her eye, Sami caught some movement through the window and saw that the fireworks specialists had appeared to have arrived and John was already greeting them out in the driveway. "They're here," Sami mumbled into their kiss.

"Hm?" asked EJ distractedly, raising his head and looking at her blearily.

Sami inclined her head and EJ followed where she was now looking. She watched as his eyes went wide.

"Bloody hell!" he exclaimed, pushing Sami away from him and starting to rush for the front door obviously in a state at the thought of John being alone with those men. EJ disappeared out the door and then a split second later reappeared, running back to her. "Distracting minx," he declared before kissing her hard and heading off again to break up whatever John was up to.

"Horny lunatic!" Sami called after him with indulgent affection. Sami looked out the window to see EJ hurrying up to the circle of men and smiled. It was probably the pregnancy hormones speaking but she was oddly calm about the thought of them hosting a New Year's Eve party. After all, their wedding had gone off without a hitch, more or less, so Sami couldn't bring herself to be concerned about New Year's, even with John involved. She only hoped she still felt that way after it was all over.

**oooOOOOooo**

"Excuse me gentlemen," said EJ hastily as he approached the two other men standing with his uncle, "I believe you're looking for me – I'm EJ DiMera, I'm the head of the household and I'm the one who called you."

"How come you get to be the head?" asked John with a scowl. "I'm older and better looking than you."

"You can't be a head if you're brain damaged," said EJ straight faced. "It's a rule."

John pouted at that as the other two men looked a little uncertain.

"It's all right," EJ assured them as he shook hands with them in turn. "It's only a little amnesia."

"Nothing dangerous then, huh?" asked the older balding man with a half smile. "I'm Jeff."

"I wouldn't go that far," said EJ dryly.

"I'm Hector," said the younger man with dark hair and very prominent dimple in his chin as EJ shook his hand.

"Hector, hello," EJ nodded. "I want to thank you both for being able to take on our party at such short notice."

"We mainly do big shows like fairs, public events, and the 4th of July," said Jeff. "This will be our first private party."

"Well, we chose you because you were the best with the most impressive safety record," said EJ. "Safety is very important to me. There will be a lot of children at this party and I don't want-"

"Okay, so I want to be another body part then," John interrupted him.

"Excuse me?" asked EJ in confusion.

"You get to be the head, I want to chose another body part to be in the family," said John with his characteristic lack of expression.

"What? No! It doesn't work like that, Uncle John."

"If a family can have a head, why can't it have other body parts?"

"That's a good question," said Hector, looking at the other man with interest.

"Please, Hector," said EJ with a groan, "don't encourage him. You have no idea what kind of murky waters this could take us into."

"Did you hear that?" asked John with an arched eyebrow. "Butt Chin agrees with me."

EJ grimaced at John's lack of guile. "I'm sorry," EJ apologised quickly to Hector.

"Why?" asked John in consternation. "Did you make his chin into a butt Nephew?"

"It's okay," said Hector, who didn't look offended in the least. "The girls love it."

"I'm sorry," said EJ again. "My uncle can be incredibly rude at times."

"How is stating the obvious rude? Didn't he know he had a butt on his face?"

"Uncle John, please!"

"It really is okay," Hector reassured him. "I've got an aunt who isn't quite all there – I'm used to it."

"Where is she then?" asked John with interest. "And where is there and which parts are where at what times?"

"You're killing me," EJ stated flatly. "Is that your intent, Uncle, because it is working if it is."

"If I wanted you dead, you'd be dead," John advised him. "All I need is a melon baller and a sound proof room."

"Oh for heaven's sake," said EJ in exasperation even though he had no doubt that his uncle was speaking the truth. After seeing him in action with those straws of his, EJ wasn't prepared to dismiss anything John said that involved him being able to turn just about anything into a lethal weapon. "You can see why I want you to deal directly with me, can't you?" EJ said in vague annoyance to the other men. "It really is going to be for the best."

"I can assure you Mr DiMera that-"

"Uvula," John announced suddenly, interrupting Jeff.

Everyone looked at him in surprise.

"That's the part of the household I want to be, the uvula," John clarified, "If you get to be the head, Nephew, I get to be the uvula."

"Uncle John, do you even know what an uvula is?"

"You're a guy," said Hector hesitantly, "I don't think you even have one of those."

"It's the fleshy nub that hangs down the back of your throat and helps you swallow," said an impassive John.

"Oh," said Hector, taken aback, "I was way off. Are you sure that is what that is called?"

"It is," EJ confirmed. "I'm only surprised you know what it is, Uncle."

"Why?" asked John with a challenging look at him. "Just because I was dead for a couple of months I'm suddenly going to forget my anatomy."

"You forgot what a urinal cake was the other day," said EJ flatly, "Thank god I went to the restroom with you at that restaurant-" EJ cut himself off and rolled his eyes. "He said, in a sentence he'd never thought he'd utter."

"Why call something a cake if you're not meant to food it," said an unrepentant John. "I thought it was complimentary."

"It wasn't and that is yet another restaurant we can't go back to. Between Samantha and Nicole's impromptu flambé performances and your oral fixation, the next time this family eats out they're going to be asking us if 'we want fries with that.'"

"I like fries," noted an impassive John. "I like food that tells you what has happened to it – like mince and stew and lickin' poodle soup."

EJ winced at that last one, not even daring to imagine how his uncle thought such a thing would work. Whatever John thought, it was unlikely to be good news for the poodle.

"Perhaps we should get back to talking about fireworks?" Jeff suggested in amusement as he saw EJ's growing frustration. "I can see this taking awhile."

"Excellent suggestion Jeff," said EJ in relief, happy not to have to investigate that last comment any further. "Why don't I show you where I was thinking the fireworks display could be in the gardens? We have a lot of wildlife living there and I want to try and keep the fireworks away from them as much as possible. It's a substantial area so I'm sure we can move the flamingos, peacocks, and the aardvark to somewhere less noisy. The monkey already lives inside the house so he won't be a problem."

"Did you say flamingos?" asked Jeff in surprise.

"Forget that," said Hector in amazement. "Did you say aardvark?"

"We have just the one aardvark," said EJ with a bright smile, and she really is harmless-"

"And surprisingly fast," a knowing John added on.

"Can you even keep aardvarks on private premises?" asked Jeff looking between the two of them.

"You can if you can't catch them," said John in satisfaction.

"We reached an arrangement with the zoo people where she was umm – relocated from," said EJ, throwing John a disapproving sideways look. "We're setting her up so she has everything she needs-"

"And giving them a lot of money so they won't come over and shoot my nephew in the ass again."

Both of the men looked at EJ a little askew at that.

"There was an unfortunate incident," EJ said with a brave smile, "But all that is behind us now-" EJ held up an imperious finger at John as he felt a behind/butt joke coming on. "Don't!" EJ looked back at the other two men and gave a calm smile. "As you're probably gathering by now, our household has a slight tendency to dissolve into occasional scenes of chaos. This absolutely cannot happen on New Year's Eve and that is why I want to make sure every single precaution is made when it comes to safety and forward planning when it comes to the fireworks display, do you understand?"

"Of course," said Jeff reassuring. "Our motto at StarWorks is 'Safety first.'"

"Your motto should be 'StarWorks – we really blow,'" John advised them knowingly. "So that everyone knows you put on a good show."

"Blow is a slang term for bad, Uncle," said EJ impatiently. "That is a terrible motto."

"Why would blow be bad?" asked John with a frown. "I thought it came from blow jobs and they're amazing." The three other men just stared at John who stared impassively back at them. "Don't you know what a blow job is?" he asked easily. "They're really fantastic. I can get Blondie to-"

"Stop!" EJ commanded him, thankful that Sami wasn't there to hear any of this. He was still worried about his fragile wife's health despite her protestations and the last thing she needed was to know John was guilelessly giving away intimate details about her mother. "We are talking about fireworks and nothing else," EJ said firmly. "And Uncle John, I don't think you need to be here for that."

"It was my idea; it's my house so I get to stay," said John stubbornly. "Maybe if you got more blow jobs, Nephew, you wouldn't always be in such a bad mood. I'll talk to The Wildcat about it."

EJ blanched at the thought of that conversation. "You absolutely will do no such thing! This whole conversation goes on your list, okay? We're never talking about it again and certainly not with Samantha – are we clear?"

"You wouldn't be this tense if you were getting them," said John, unfazed by his outburst.

"There isn't enough oral sex in the world to cancel you out!" said EJ in abject frustration.

"That's a big call, my dear, perhaps you're doing it wrong."

EJ turned around to see Emily walking up the driveway.

"I've always found oral sex to be very stress relieving," she finished off with that mischievous smile of hers.

"Et tu, Emily?" asked EJ in exasperation.

The older woman gave a little chuckle at seeing his frustration and gave him a cheeky wink. "Is your gorgeous girl home, dear boy?"

"Yes," said EJ with a half smile. "Let yourself in – Samantha shouldn't be far away and I'll be in directly, darling."

"Gentlemen," said Emily with a little inclination of her head to the two men from StarWorks.

They instinctively gave a little nod back to her. There was something so regal and yet engaging about Emily that people always warmed to her immediately along with being slightly in awe of her. She acknowledged John, her eyes twinkling. "Shameless rogue, be kind to the dear boy, he's an expectant father and it is very nerve wracking."

"He wouldn't let me be the head of the household," John tattled on EJ in his own defence. "So I'm going to be the uvula instead."

A lesser woman would have found that a very strange statement indeed but Emily, as always, took it in stride. "Well, I always do love a man who knows how to swallow," said Emily with a wicked little smile as she sauntered off towards the house. "Happy masticating my dears."

"Wow," said Jeff, giving Emily an admiring look as she wandered up the driveway to the front door of the mansion. Emily had clearly won a heart. There was something timeless about her that made her very attractive. "That's some kind of woman."

"Yes, she is," EJ agreed readily. "She will be one of the guests on New Year's Eve and therefore, is one of the people I'm intent on having leave here in one piece and with all of her hair and eyebrows intact."

"Don't worry, Mr. DiMera," said Hector with great confidence. "Your party is going to go without a hitch. It's the StarWorks guarantee."

"First time for everything I suppose," EJ muttered under his breath whilst keeping a brave smile on his face for the two men. New Year's Eve was three days away and EJ wondered if he had enough time to increase the insurance on the mansion – just in case.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter TWENTY THREE**** – ****I Do**

"Emily!" Sami exclaimed in delight. "Thanks so much for coming over."

"Of course my dear," said Emily as Sami greeted the older woman warmly with a big hug. "You made it sound very intriguing."

"Did I?" Sami asked with a laugh. "In that case, I hope you won't be disappointed."

"Disappointed about what?" asked Emily as they settled in on the sofa in the DiMera living room.

"We should wait until EJ gets here," said Sami, biting her bottom lip and squirming as she struggled to contain her enthusiasm.

"Our darling boy is currently up to his neck in oral sex talk," said Emily in amusement. "He might be some time."

"They're meant to be talking about the fireworks display for New Year's Eve," said Sami in exasperation. "How did they get onto that?"

Emily and Sami looked at each other and spoke as one. "John."

Sami gave a groan and flopped back in the sofa, shaking her head. "Poor EJ."

"Oh, I think he's holding his own," said Emily wryly.

"And the two fireworks guys? They haven't run screaming for the hills?"

"Not yet but I suspect there is still time." Emily looked Sami over and tilted her head to one side. "And how are you feeling today my dear?"

"Okay." Sami wrinkled her nose before elaborating, "Maybe a bit tired but nothing I can't manage. The twins were particularly boisterous this morning for some reason. It's like they overdosed on sugar or something but I don't know how that is possible. EJ and I are always very careful with what we feed them."

Emily shrugged philosophically. "The energy of youth. We'd save the world if we could bottle it."

"I know. It took all of EJ's powers of persuasion to get them to go down for a nap this morning." Sami checked her watch. "I think we should have a few more minutes of peace and quiet before they unleash round two on us."

"Oh good," said Emily happily, "I was hoping for a cuddle."

"You'll get more than that," Sami promised her with a smile. "They love their Aunty Em."

"The feeling is entirely mutual."

Sami made a pleased face. "Now that the subject of the twins has come up naturally in conversation, I'm sure EJ won't mind if I go ahead and ask you."

"Ask me what?"

"We're going to get the twins christened in the New Year."

"How lovely, I hope I'm getting an invite to the big event."

"Actually, EJ and I were hoping that you might be Johnny and Ali's godmother, Emily," said Sami hopefully. "You've been such a fantastic friend to us and we love you very much. We'd be honoured if you'd consider it. I know you have a grown family of your own and everything-"

"Stop right there," interrupted Emily, holding up a hand. "Sami, I'd be thrilled and very honoured to be Johnny and Ali's godmother."

"You would?" asked Sami in delight. "Oh that's wonderful." The two women hugged again and Sami felt a surge of happiness in knowing the twins would have such a wonderful woman as Emily in their lives as they grew up.

"So, is there a godfather in this scenario?" asked Emily with a cheeky smile. "Someone cute who doesn't mind a rather handsie co-godparent."

"I'd say a big yes to both of those things," Sami laughed. "We were going to ask Joe if he'd like to do it."

"Oh how wonderful. We'll have such fun spoiling your babies rotten. Joey must be beside himself with excitement."

"EJ and I haven't asked him yet. Do you think he'll say yes?"

"Dear, I think he'll already have gone out and bought himself a new godparent outfit with matching shoes before you even finish your sentence. He's going to be as thrilled about it as I am, of that I have no doubt."

The sound of the front door opening heralded EJ's return and Sami hastily grabbed Emily's arm. "Just don't tell EJ that I told you," Sami begged her in a low voice. "I promised we'd ask you together. Act surprised when we do."

"Sorry about that, Emily," said EJ with a rueful smile as he walked into the room. "I was trying to ensure we still have a house around us come New Year's Day."

"I heard," Emily nodded. "Fireworks, hmm? Should be quite the shindig – I must say I'm looking forward to it."

"I wish I was," said EJ with a groan. "I keep having horrible visions of all the things that could go wrong."

Sami gave an unconcerned wave of her hand. "I'm sure it will be fine."

EJ gave her a sideways look as he sat in the armchair across from the two women on the sofa. "You keep saying that but I'm not sure on what exactly you're basing your confidence, sweetheart. Historically we haven't done so well on the party front."

"All that means, honey, is we must be due."

"My wife, the optimist," said EJ with a lop sided smile. EJ then turned his attention to Emily. "So I suppose you're wondering why we asked you here, Emily, apart from wanting to enjoy your company."

"I admit to being curious," said Emily calmly and Sami admired the other woman's ability to lie.

"Well, EJ and I were planning on having the twins christened in the New Year," Sami said straight faced. "And we-"

"You've already asked her," EJ interrupted her in exasperation.

"Wh-what, no, of course I haven't honey," Sami protested her innocence hotly. "We agreed we should ask Emily together."

"You've already asked her."

Sami looked at Emily wide-eyed.

"It wasn't Emily, it was you, my love, who gave the game away," said EJ with an amused look at her.

"How? I'm a world class liar, EJ. No one can tell when I'm lying."

"Ladies and gentlemen, the mother of my children," said EJ with a teasing wink at Emily.

"Oh please," Sami snorted. "You love that about me."

"I do indeed."

"Then you couldn't have possibly known I was lying."

"You have a tell," EJ informed her smugly.

"What? I do not!"

She'd played enough poker in her life to know a tell was something people did unconsciously that gave away whether they were bluffing or what kind of hand they had.

"Oh, but you do sweetheart," said EJ with a grin.

"What is it then, Mr Smarty Pants?"

Now it was EJ's turn to snort. "Like I'm going to tell you. You already have far too many things stacked in your favour, sweetheart, this one I intend to keep to myself. It has the potential to be very useful."

"You're bluffing. I don't have a tell and if I did, you don't know what it is."

"If you say so, Samantha," said EJ mildly but with an annoying smirk playing around his lips.

"This isn't over," Sami informed him darkly.

EJ sent Emily a mischievous look. "Ah, see now, Emily, that was the truth."

"You do love to live life on the edge, dear boy, don't you?" Emily asked in amusement, "You should never upset the preparer of your food-"

"Which would be Rolf."

Sami gave another huff although she couldn't actually deny it.

"Or the person who you share a bed with," Emily continued on blithely. "No matter the size of the man, he is as vulnerable as a week old kitten when he is asleep."

"Emily," he groaned, "don't go giving Samantha ideas."

Sami gave a less than elegant snort. "Yeah, because I've always needed help getting ideas."

"I don't know about that, dear. What I do know is my dear husband learnt that lesson when I super glued his hand to his John Thomas while he was asleep because he was being completely unreasonable," said Emily calmly. "I can't remember what it was about now but I do remember I was right and he was wrong."

"Emily!" Sami gasped even as she began to laugh.

"He woke up at about two in the morning after I'd left to stay the night at my mother's. This was before the children arrived," she explained. "He drove himself to the hospital to have the glue dissolved. It took nearly three weeks for all the skin to grow back on his various parts."

EJ blanched. "Oh my god."

Emily leant over towards EJ and patted his arm. "A word of advice my dear boy, never go to bed angry."

"Or with a bottle of super glue nearby," said EJ with a sympathetic grimace for a man he'd never met.

"We did have our moments."

Sami watched a fond yet sad smile touch her friend's lips. It was clear Harry was the great love of Emily's life. Suddenly, the horrible thought about what it would be like to live without EJ by her side came unbidden into her mind. Sami looked over at EJ and saw his face cloud over. He reached out and took her hand, squeezing it gently. Sami gave him a quivering, little smile, trying to hold back tears.

"Enough of that, young ones," Emily tutted. "You've got many, many years of fights and making up from fights ahead of you."

"And I'm looking forward to each and every one of them," said EJ huskily, looking at Sami adoringly.

**oooOOOOooo**

Emily helped Sami bring in the cups and saucers from their morning tea in the garden. "Your dear boy is full of nervous energy today," she noted.

EJ had excused himself not long ago and headed off, mumbling about being prepared.

Sami sighed heavily. "He's worked himself up into a state over this New Year's party. EJ is convinced we're all going to die in a hideous, yet pretty, explosion."

"Well, he might have a point. John and a feather pillow is a near deadly combination. It's not hard to imagine what might be the end result of John and gunpowder."

"I don't know, Emily. I've had a lot of really horrible disasters in my life and if all I've got to worry about these days is a party then I'm not too bothered."

"My but marriage has mellowed you, my dear."

"I'm content," said Sami happily as she backed into the swinging door that led to the kitchen. "I've got EJ's ring on my finger, a loving and healthy family, and more on the way – what else could I ask for?"

"A personality that doesn't strip paint off walls?"

The sarcastic suggestion made Sami whirl around and glare at the intruder, who was making herself very much at home, sitting on the kitchen table and dressed only in a little, yellow bikini with a man's unbuttoned dress shirt over the top. "Nicole, what are you doing here?" Sami looked her up and down. "Hey, is that mine?"

Nicole smirked. "You probably didn't recognise it at first because this is how it is meant to look." She swept a hand up and down her body. "I'm guessing it looks pretty different on you."

Sami's eyes narrowed menacingly. "You've got three seconds to explain yourself before I'm taking out the trash."

"Eric and I had a sleep over. He went to work but told me to make myself at home and I'm doing just that. I'm waiting for my coffee to percolate and then I'm off to lie by the pool."

"In my bikini," said Sami darkly.

"Well, I could always take it off," said Nicole with a cheeky smile. "Is that husband of yours home, Sami? I wonder if he'd enjoy the show."

"EJ might, considering the show is going to be me dismembering you and feeding you to the aardvark."

"I thought aardvarks were vegetarian?" Emily asked as she put the dirty crockery in the sink.

"They'll eat any kind of garbage," said Sami with a sweet smile.

"You know, I'm meeting EJ at one this afternoon about Victor appealing my divorce settlement," Nicole informed her. "Perhaps I should wear this and see if he shares your opinion?"

Sami's face went red at even the thought of it. "If you go anywhere near my husband dressed like that, you harlot, I'll-"

"Behave yourself girls," Emily chastised them gently in an effort to stop things from getting anymore out of hand. "Remember you're ladies."

Both Sami and Nicole gave very loud snorts at her suggestion, which made Emily smile. "All right then, how about this – you've both made promises to Eric and EJ to try and get on with one another."

"I lied." Sami and Nicole spoke as one.

"Well obviously," said Emily smoothly, "but this kind of thing isn't good for your blood pressure, Sami, and Nicole, you should remember Sami is pregnant."

"Why do we all suddenly have to be nice to Sami because she got herself knocked up yet again?" Nicole grumbled. "A pregnant pit bull is still a pit bull."

"And a bottom feeder is still a bottom feeder, even in a bikini," Sami threw back at her. "Don't you have some other people you can mooch off of?"

Nicole gave her a smug look. "I'm not mooching, I was invited. Build a bridge and get over it, Sami. You're not the only queen of this particular castle."

Sami drew in an outraged gasp over Nicole daring to suggest the two of them were in any way on an equal footing. Words, for once, escaped her. Nicole gave her a triumphant look, poured her coffee, and sauntered out of the kitchen.

"I swear to God, one day I'm going to snap and there is going to be nothing left of Nicole but a bad dye job and a padded bra!" Sami vowed through gritted teeth.

"Don't let her get to you, dear."

"Easier said than done," Sami grumbled, folding her arms in front of her chest.

**oooOOOOooo**

"You're late."

Sami supplied the information to Nicole as she dumped Nicole's clothes beside where Nicole laid stretched out on a recliner by the pool. Sami kicked her chair for good measure and Nicole made a choked sound as she abruptly came awake.

She blinked up at Sami blearily. "Where am I? What time is it?"

"I guess you're used to not knowing where you fall asleep. You're in my house, passed out by my pool, and it's half past twelve. You've got half an hour to get to your meeting with EJ."

Nicole jumped to her feet, glaring at Sami. "Why did you let me sleep so long? You'd love for me to miss my meeting with hubby, wouldn't you?"

"I'm not your maid, and how is it my problem if you pass out somewhere?"

"I wasn't passed out."

"Please," Sami snorted. "It's just as well no one smokes in this house because the fumes coming off you are toxic. It wouldn't surprise me if you're still drunk from last night; no wonder you've been asleep for hours."

"You know preachy, reformed, good girl is a bad colour on you, Sami," Nicole snapped as she scrambled to pull on her street clothes, "It gives you thick calves."

"Less talk, more getting dressed and getting the hell out of here." Sami gave a little smirk. "Boy, that can't be the first time you've heard those words."

"You think you've got it all, don't you?" Nicole snapped, tugging at the zipper on her skirt. "The husband, the house, the kids, more money than good taste and you think you're better than anyone else all of a sudden."

"I was always better than you," said Sami in satisfaction.

"Think what you like Sami Brady-"

"DiMera."

Nicole waggled a finger at her. "But let me tell you, I'm going to get what is coming to me. Mark my words."

With her prediction delivered, Nicole grabbed her shoes and flounced out of the indoor pool area.

Sami watched her go with a sly smile on her lips. "Oh, I'm counting on that, Nicole."


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter TWENTY FOUR**** – ****Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder**

"Hello Nicole," said EJ distractedly as he finished proof reading a letter, not looking up, "good of you to come in, take a seat and I'll be with you in one moment."

"Take as long as you want Councillor, just don't bill me for the time," said Nicole as she settled into the chair on the other side of EJ's desk.

EJ scribbled his signature on the bottom of the legal document and then looked up. "Now, Nicole, I was-OH!" EJ gave a little start of surprise as he looked at Nicole for the first time.

"What?" asked Nicole with a frown as he stared at her.

EJ recovered quickly, a resigned if vaguely amused look coming to his face. "I don't suppose there is any chance you were at the house today, Nicole?"

Nicole threw him a defiant look. "I stayed the night. Don't tell me you're going to give me grief about it like that harpy of a wife of yours."

"Eric is a grown man and can see whom he chooses, when he chooses and of course the mansion is his home at the moment and he should treat it as such-"

"Damn straight he should."

EJ fixed Nicole with a determined look. "However, that doesn't give you an open invitation for you to come into our home and upset my wife, Nicole."

Nicole folded her arms in front of her chest. "What makes you think I upset your precious Samantha?"

"Oh, I can read between the lines," said EJ dryly. He opened his drawer and pulled out a little mirror and passed it to a confused looking Nicole.

She accepted the offered mirror, took one look at her reflection in it and then let out a blood curdling screen. "THAT BITCH, I'M GOING TO KILL HER!"

"Watch yourself, Nicole, that's my wife you're talking about and no one is going to do any killing," said EJ calmly.

"Look what she did to me!" Nicole howled, frantically beginning to scrub at her face.

Nicole's face was indeed a sight. Different coloured marker pen was scribbled all over her face, blue all over her forehead, bright red on her cheeks and a very prominent black moustache with matching chin hair. On her forehead a single word was written in the same black pen – TART.

Nicole gave a gasp of distress as she noticed the word for the first time in the small mirror. "Oh my god, does that say-?"

"Unfortunately yes," said EJ with a sigh.

Nicole stopped looking at the mirror to glare death at him. "I want to sue the cow for slander – you're my lawyer, make it happen!"

"You're not suing Samantha."

"The hell I'm not! She's defaced and slandered me, I want blood!"

"You don't have a leg to stand on Nicole."

Nicole jabbed an aggressive finger at her forehead. "She called me a whore! I have the proof right here!"

EJ gave a little shrug. "Or she was likening you to a delicious little bakery treat – there is really no way of proving her intent when she wrote that. It's entirely up to interpretation."

Nicole's arms flailed around in a semi-hysterical fashion at EJ's easy dismissal of her claim. "I can't believe this, you're my lawyer, you have to do what I say – that's why I pay you the big bucks!"

"I can chose my cases, Nicole, you don't own me-"

"But Sami does?" she spat out.

EJ grinned as he twirled his wedding ring with his fingers. "I like to think we possess each other."

EJ's secretary voice came over the intercom. "Is everything alright, Mr. DiMera?"

"Yes."

"NO!"

EJ sighed. "It's fine, Marcie, but if you have any-"

"Handiwipes?"

"Yes, if you please."

"If she saw the state I was in why didn't she say something?" asked Nicole angrily.

"Marcie is very professional."

Nicole's face darkened. "Sami is going to pay for this."

"And this was a completely unprovoked attack?"

Nicole gave him an indignant look. "Of course!"

EJ arched an eyebrow.

Nicole shifted uncomfortably in her chair. "It's not my problem if your ball and chain is mentally unhinged, she over reacts to everything!"

EJ rubbed his faced tiredly. "What did you do?"

"Nothing! I used the pool – big deal. I don't know why the woman has to keep on being such a bitch when she's gotten everything she ever wanted! I've heard of sore losers but Sami Brady is a sore winner!"

"DiMera."

Nicole waved her hand at him. "You two are obsessed about that minor detail."

"It's not a minor detail to us, Nicole. Samantha and I went through a lot to be together as husband and wife, it is everything to us."

"I'm so happy for you both," said Nicole bitterly. She jabbed a finger at her face. "Meanwhile, what are you going to do about this?"

A soft knock on the door preceded Marcie's appearance with a handful of towellettes.

EJ smiled. "Ah, right on cue as always, Marcie."

Marcie crossed the room and then handed the small packages to Nicole.

Nicole grabbed them off her. "This had better work."

"You can use my private washroom, Nicole." EJ pointed to the door behind her.

Nicole stalked off to try and clean her face up.

"Is there anything else I can get for you, Mr. DiMera?" asked Marcie politely.

EJ gave a wry smile. "Do you have anything in the bullet proof or flame retardant department?"

"No, sir." Marcie hid a little smile. "Do you want me to go and find some?"

"No," EJ sighed, "just come looking for my bullet riddled or smoking corpse if I haven't appeared in fifteen minutes or so from this meeting."

"Very good, Mr. DiMera," said Marcie, smiling broadly now. She left the office and EJ immediately picked up the phone and dialled a familiar number.

"Lellllooo."

EJ's face lit up. "Hello, my beautiful girl."

"Daddy!" squealed Ali in excitement.

"Are you answering the phone like a big girl now?"

"Yes," said Ali proudly.

"And what have you been doing today?"

"Cowlering in wi-with Mommy, Johnny." Her excited words tumbled out on top of one another.

EJ's lips quirked as he glanced over at the closed door of his washroom. _I think I know exactly what or rather who you were colouring in, little one._ "Is that right? Did you have fun colouring in, sweetie?"

"Yes!"

"I'm glad to hear it, darling," said EJ warmly. "Now is Mummy there?"

"Yes."

"Can I speak to her?"

"'Tay, bye bye, Daddy." There was the sound of a wet kiss on the other end of the phone.

"Goodbye-" but Ali was already gone with the sound of the phone being dropped and Ali yelling for her mother.

There was a brief pause and then Sami was on the other end of the phone. "Hello?"

"It's me."

"Oh hey." EJ could hear the smile in her voice and it warmed him all the way through.

"Our daughter is getting quite chatty on the phone."

Sami gave a little laugh. "I know. Her language skills are way ahead of Johnny's – probably because she won't let him get a word in. She kind of does his talking for him, not that he seems to mind."

"Our son is a gentle soul."

"I know," said Sami teasingly, "I wonder where we went wrong?"

"Don't worry, we'll knock that out of him with the DiMera and anti-Brady blood coursing through his veins."

Sami groaned laughingly. "Are we horrible parents?"

"I children are happy, healthy and adored, so no, absolutely not, sweetheart. I can't vouch for their sense of humour though, that could end up being a little on the dark side." EJ scratched his cheek. "Speaking of which-"

"Yes, EJ?"

_God, but it gets me so hard when she sounds so innocent, but I know she's not._ "Why is Nicole sitting in my office looking like a Vincent Van Gough portrait?"

Ingenuousness dripped from Sami's voice. "I have no idea what you're talking about, honey."

"Did you, or did you not let our children colour in Nicole's face?"

"I don't want have to answer that without my lawyer present."

"I'm your lawyer."

"Damn, I knew that was going to bite me in the ass one day."

"Samantha."

"The twins wanted to play with their Auntie Quickie and-"

"We agreed, darling, they could call her Auntie Nikki, no embellishments if you recall."

"I don't know why they have to call her anything," Sami grumbled.

"Because your brother is seeing Nicole-"

"Only certain parts of her!"

EJ had to fight back a laugh at her humour. "Be that as it may, Nicole is going to be around the house and the twins need to call her something."

"I still think my suggestion was valid."

"_Hey you_ is not a name, sweetheart."

"Let's face it, she's answered to worse."

"Samantha, you can't let the children colour in Eric's girlfriend. It's not nice."

"If you wanted nice then why did you marry me?" she snapped at him.

EJ gave an indulgent smile. "Ah, I see those pregnancy hormones are kicking in nicely."

Sami blew out an annoyed sounding breath. "Why does me being annoyed have to have anything to do with my pregnancy? Why can't it just be about you being an ass?"

"How am I being an ass, oh love of my life?"

"You're taking Skanky McTartlet's side over mine!"

EJ gave a snort of laughter.

"It's not funny, EJ!"

"You know she wants to sue you, right?" asked EJ in amusement.

"Did you tell her she could blow it out her flat ass?"

"Not in so many words, but-"

"You are taking her side!" exclaimed Sami in outrage.

"Samantha, of course I'm no-"

"Bite me!"

The phone slammed down on the other end and EJ winced. He hung up the phone, and tapped his desk thoughtfully with one finger. The phone rang again and EJ picked it up.

"And don't bother coming home today!" Sami slammed the phone down again.

EJ winced and put down the phone.

Marcie's voice came over the intercom. "Mrs. DiMera seemed to have been cut off, do you want me to get her back for you, sir?"

EJ knew Marcie could see all the incoming call numbers on her centre console. "No, thank you, Marcie." He paused briefly. "Although I'm rethinking you sourcing that bullet proof jacket – I may need it yet."

"Sir?"

"I'll get back to you," said EJ dryly.

The door swung open to the washroom with a bang and Nicole stomped out of the bathroom. Her face was bright red but very little, if any of the twin's artwork seemed to have been erased. "It's permanent ink!" she yelled at him.

EJ looked her over calmly. "So I see."

"What are you going to do about this?"

EJ scratched his cheek. "What are your feelings about veils? I hear they're making a comeback in the fashion world. You could lead the charge, Nicole."

Nicole glared at him. "I'm not wearing a veil until-until-" She gave him an anguished look. "How long before this stuff comes off me anyway?"

"I'm guessing until your skin sloughs off."

Nicole gave a strangled gasp. "Sloughs off?"

"It should be no more than a few days, four at the most, I'm thinking, a week at the outside."

Nicole's jaw dropped. "You expect me to walk around looking like this for a week?"

EJ shrugged. "You don't have to walk; you can still drive a car."

"Sami has to pay for this!"

"Look, Nicole, I've already spoken to Samantha and she is very sorry for what she has done."

Nicole folded her arms in front of her chest and looked at him defiantly. "Really?"

EJ looked her straight in the eye. "Absolutely."

"So, Sami would be prepared to apologise to me, to my face then?"

EJ paused for a moment. "Very well. Nicole, we both know Samantha is never going to apologise to you. Can't you just accept mine instead?"

"NO!" she spat out. "I want Sami to apologise to me in front of everyone." Nicole clicked her fingers. "At the New Year's Eve party! Sami has to apologise to me there... and mean it!"

EJ ticked his words off on his fingers. "Never. Going. To. Happen."

Nicole's eyes narrowed menacingly. "It had better happen otherwise I'm going to rain down hell on your family!"

EJ leant back in his chair, all amusement gone from his expression as he fixed Nicole with a deadly cool look. "Don't ever threaten my family, Nicole."

She put her hands on her hips. "Why?" she sneered. "What will you do, EJ?"

EJ stood up and moved to the other side of the desk so he was standing directly in front of her. He loomed over her, not opposed to using his greater size to his advantage. EJ kept his voice low and calm, but the menace behind his words couldn't be mistaken. "The question is Nicole, what wouldn't I do?"

Nicole tried to hold his gaze for as long as she could, but crumbled, taking a few hasty steps backwards. She tried to regain some lost ground. "I'm the victim here; you have to take my side! Sami is completely in the wrong here."

"I don't believe that for a moment, and even if it was true, I would still take Samantha's side."

"That's stupid!"

"No, it's called marriage and it means we have each other's back, no matter what."

Nicole's face tightened. "So, Sami can do no wrong as far as you are concerned, is that it?"

"No," said EJ firmly, "but there is no wrong she could do to make me think any less of her or love her any less. I'd like to think it is the same for her. We're partners in every possible way, through thick and thin."

Nicole snatched up her purse. "In that case, counsellor, expect things to get very thick-"She stopped and looked uncertain. "-Or very thin, whichever is the bad one of those two, in the near future!" Her threat delivered, Nicole sent EJ a triumphant look and stalked out of his office.

EJ rolled his eyes. "Oh great, it's not enough I have a demented Uncle, and a vindictive peacock mixed with fireworks with the capacity to kill and maim, I also seemed to have picked up a new nemesis." He shook his head. "What a full day I'm having." _First things first though, I have to sort things out with Samantha._ EJ pushed the intercom button. "Marcie, can you re-schedule the rest of my meetings today, please? I have to attend to some personal business."

"Yes, Mr. DiMera."

"And where is the nearest flower shop from here?"

"There are a few. Depends what you are looking for, sir."

"Ahh... flowers?"

"Yes sir, but flowers that say 'Happy Birthday' – well, you can just get them from "Florist Gump" on Baker Street. But if you're looking for something that says 'You're the most wonderful person in the world and there is none other' then there is "Ups-a-Daisy" on Third Street."

"What if you're looking for something to head off World War Three?"

"Then you should go to "Floral and Hardy" on Miller Avenue."

"Marcie?"

"Yes, Mr. DiMera?"

"Are these names for real?"

"Yes, Mr. DiMera. Apparently florists are quite punny people."

"And here was me thinking they'd be all thorny."

No response.

"That was a joke, Marcie."

"I suspected as much, sir."

"Not funny, hmm?"

"I was assuming you're saving all your A material for whatever you need the flowers for."

"And if I'm not?"

"Then buy the biggest bouquet you can afford, sir."

EJ pulled a face. _That's probably good advice._

**AUTHOR's NOTE****:** Just to let you know, I came up with "Ups-a-Daisy" for a name but the other two florist shops names are real. Don't want to be accused of plagiarism now do it? LOL And hands up who is looking forward to an EJami fight with some hot make up sex in the next chapter? It's been awhile I know, I owe you guys. :D


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter TWENTY FIVE**** – ****Hell Hath No Fury**

Nicole headed up the narrow stairway to Eric's newly acquired loft where he was running his photography business from. She tucked the silky scarf more securely around her face, pulled down her large floppy hat and pushed up her huge, dark sunglasses. Nicole could barely see where she was going but it was better than the alternative. She sailed into Eric's loft without knocking.

He looked up from where he was bent over a light box, checking some proofs with an eyepiece. Eric smiled to see her. "Hi, couldn't keep away, hmm?"

Nicole just glared at him, but the effect was lost behind the giant sunglasses.

Eric gave her a quizzical look. "Did you come to say hello or to rob me, Nicole?" He cocked his head. "What's with the get up, did you kill a man on the way over?" Eric gave a little laugh at his own joke and then suddenly looked alarmed. "Oh god, tell me you didn't kill a man on the way over?"

"No one's dead," Nicole snapped, "yet."

Eric put down his eyepiece and turned around to face her properly. "Have I done something to upset you, Nicole? You seem a little... tightly wound today for some reason."

"I have a reason, a bleached blonde, smirking troll of a reason," she bit out.

Eric's shoulders sagged. "Sami," he sighed.

"You're damn right, Sami! That vindictive cow of a sister of yours attacked me!"

Eric grimaced and then looked her over. "You seem fine, Nicole, do you think you could be exaggerating a little with this attack stuff?"

Nicole ripped off her scarf and glasses.

Eric wrinkled his nose. "Ah."

"Don't you ah me, mister – you do something about your sister or I will!"

"I'll talk to her."

"Talk?"

"Yes, talk."

Nicole stepped closer, her lips thinning into an angry line. "Talk is cheap, I want action."

"I want a quiet life – can we try and meet in the middle somewhere?"

Nicole put her hands on her hips and bristled at him. "Time to choose Eric Brady – it's Sami or me!"

**oooOOOOooo**

EJ pulled smoothly into the mansions mammoth internal garage and turned off the engine of car. He reached across and picked up the huge bouquet of flowers sitting beside him in the passenger seat and then climbed out of the car. The noise of his footsteps echoed in the large space as he made his way to the internal garage door which led into the house. EJ tried to open the door but found it was locked. He scowled at the inconvenience.

"It's locked."

"Uncle John," said EJ surprise at the sound of his voice on the other side of the door.

"Nephew."

EJ paused and waited for the door to be opened but it wasn't. "Can you open the door for me, please Uncle?"

"No."

EJ blew out an exasperated breath. "Just open the door, Uncle John."

"I would, but I don't want to get crazy from wifey on my favourite shirt."

"Samantha locked the door to the garage?"

"Amongst other things."

"And you're not going to open the door?"

"Correct."

EJ scowled. "You're siding with Samantha in all of this? Unbelievable – we're blood."

"Maybe, but I'm on the same side of the door where the hell cat can actually draw blood. Besides, she's got an inside track to Blondie and I don't want them ganging up on me and I end up cut off from Blondie's fun house."

EJ blanched. "Oh god, don't ever call it that again."

"Why not, it's a good analogy. First of all it's fun, it's got a door - well, flaps anyway - and you have to come out the same way you went in."

EJ shuddered and shook his head. "Dinner tonight is going to be tough to get through tonight seeing as I sit directly across from Marlena," he muttered under his breath.

"What?"

"Have you been standing there waiting for me to get home?"

"No."

"Then what are you doing standing in the hallway?"

"Talking to you."

"Before I was here."

"I wasn't talking to anyone."

"Alright but what were you doing? Are you doing something I should be worried about?"

"I don't know; you worry about a lot of things I don't think need worrying about, so it's hard to say."

EJ gritted his teeth, the frustration welling up inside of him. "Just breath, he's not your problem right now," he mumbled to himself. He squared his shoulders. "So you're not going to let me in?"

"Correct."

"Fine, I'll go round the front, and whatever you're doing, stop it."

"You're not the boss of me. This is my house."

"I'm a lawyer and I can have you sectioned under the mental health act in a heartbeat if we want to play this game, Uncle."

John snorted. "Like anyone is going to believe I'm mentally deficient."

"One look at the menagerie in our backyard should give them a bit of an idea of what they are dealing with."

"Lots of people have pets."

"We passed the normal pet stage two flamingos and an aardvark back." EJ shook his head. "I don't have time for this. You and I are going to discuss what you are up to at a later date, but right now I need to speak with Samantha."

"Good luck with that."

"I don't need luck. Samantha and I have a healthy and loving relationship based in open communication."

"Now who's mentally deficient?"

EJ didn't dignify that with an answer. Instead he headed out of the garage and walked around to the front door of mansion. He tried the door and found it locked which was normal. No point in having all the security for the mansion to leave a front door unlocked. EJ dug around in his pocket for the house key and tried it in the lock. It didn't work. He frowned and tried again. The door still wouldn't open. EJ withdrew the key, looked at it to check it was the right one and then tried yet again to open the door. The key still wouldn't work.

"Wifey had the locks changed."

EJ groaned at the sound of John's voice, now on the other side of the front door. "How is that possible? Samantha and I only had the fight barely an hour ago.

"She found an emergency locksmith."

"And you just let her change the locks?" asked EJ in exasperation. "Why would you do that?"

"The President gave a speech."

"So?"

"It pre-empted 'Days of Our Loves'. I had to have something to watch."

"Samantha and I aren't here for your entertainment, Uncle John," EJ growled.

"Why not, it's the only thing you two bring to the table. Why do you think I keep you around?"

"Open this door!"

"I'm going to make some popcorn – don't do anything interesting before I get back."

EJ cocked his head and realised he was listening to John's retreating footsteps. He threw up the hand which wasn't holding the flowers. "That man is as mad as a cut snake." EJ took a step back and looked up at the various windows in the front of the house. "Samantha! Samantha!"

Sami's blonde head suddenly appeared directly above him. EJ quickly calculated she was standing at the end of the upstairs hallway, where all the bedrooms were. He gave a great big smile at seeing. "Sweetheart, I-" Before he could get any further a bundle of clothes sailed through the air and dropped down directly on EJ's head. He dislodged the shirt which had caught his face and looked up at Sami. "Samantha, I think we need to talk."

"Why don't you go and talk to your precious Nicole?" Sami had another armful of his clothes - socks, jocks, trousers, ties, coats – and launched them out of the window as well.

They caught EJ square in the face and he spluttered as he tried to shake all garments from him. "Samantha, you're being unreasonable."

Sami stuck her head out of the window and glared down at him.

He grimaced. _Should have thought before I spoke on that one._

"You chose another woman over me and I'm being the unreasonable?"

"I didn't choose Nicole; I simply was trying to understand what happened."

"What happened was that hussy waltzed into my home like she owned it and you were completely okay with it! You're making me live with your crazy Uncle-"

"Who's also your step father and you told me you were happy to live here."

"OH!"

More clothes were catapulted out the window on EJ's head.

"Are you this good in the courtroom?" asked an interested John as EJ noticed him standing on the doorstep for the first time, munching on popcorn. "Because, if you are, then I've got to start coming to work with you more often."

"You're not helping, Uncle John."

"Tell her she looks fat and see how that goes. I want to see if she's got the upper body strength to move that piano in the spare room."

EJ jabbed a finger at him. "Go away!"

John pouted. "Just so you know; I'm on the wild cat's side."

"How can you be? You don't even know the full story!"

"She's more fun, you're kinda whiny in an argument. At least with the wild cat I have the hope of actual bloodshed."

"There is going to be no bloodshed today, Uncle John!"

"You're pretty confident of that for a guy who can't even get into his own house."

"Samantha wouldn't hurt me," said EJ self-assuredly. "Besides, there are the children, she'd never do anything in front of them."

"Boy and girl baby are at Chowder Lady's house."

EJ's eyebrows shot up. "Samantha sent the twins to Caroline's?" EJ gave John a frustrated look. "And call Caroline by her name, I know you know it."

"My naming system for people is the least of your worries, Homeless Guy – you've got bigger dishes to dry."

EJ closed his eyes and counted to ten. "The expression is bigger fish to fry."

"I'd keep away from hot things if I were you, hair is surprisingly flammable – found out that the hard way."

EJ scanned John over, wondering what crisis he'd missed out on hearing about now.

John seemed to see the silent question in his look. "I was putting on a romantic shadow puppet for Blondie by candle light."

EJ looked at John's hands. "And some of your hair caught alight?"

"Yep, who knew pubic hair was so easy to ignite."

"Oh god." Suddenly EJ understood what John's definition of a romantic shadow puppet display actually meant. _Dinner tonight really was going to be an ordeal. At least it will be if Samantha ever lets me in the house again._

Sami's head appeared above him at the open window again.

"Samantha, sweetheart, can't you just let me in so we can talk about this like two rational human beings?"

Sami's eyes narrowed menacingly. "Are you saying I'm being irrational?"

"Plead the twelfth," John urged him.

"Pleading the twelfth isn't going to help me," said EJ through clenched teeth, "you meant plead the fifth."

"This feels more like a twelve situation then a five. I don't think you realise how close to death you are."

"The twelfth amendment is the procedure for electing the President and Vice President. That is in no way helpful to me!"

John shrugged. "Just trying to help."

"No, you're not."

"I know." John popped a handful of popcorn into his mouth.

Yet another armful of clothes were dropped from a great height on EJ and the window above him noisily slammed.

EJ winced. "That could have gone better." He looked at the mess of clothing around him. "I never realised how many clothes I had until just now." A pair of his silk boxers became lodged on his head, but EJ was distracted from them as a car roared up the driveway and squealed to a halt directly in front of him. Eric leapt out of the car and strode over to EJ.

"Oh," said an intrigued John, "another player, I should have made more popcorn; this could go over the hour."

"We need to talk," said Eric, glaring up at EJ.

EJ glared right back. "We most certainly do."


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter TWENTY SIX**** – ****A Meeting of Minds**

The two men glared at each other.

"Well come on," said John impatiently, "someone throw the first punch."

EJ shot him an irritated look. "We're not coming to fisticuffs, Uncle John."

John looked very disappointed. "Shame, it's been ages since I've seen cuffs get a good fisti."

Eric looked at EJ askew. "What does he think fisticuffs are?"

"I shudder to think, and if you're smart you'll never ask."

Eric looked over at John who was looking back with calm nonchalance. He winced. "I guess you're right – bigger fish to fry."

"It's bigger fish to dry," John corrected him.

"We just had this conversation," said EJ in aggravation, "it's fish to fry, fish to _fry_!"

"You have to dry them before you can fry them," John argued.

Eric waved a dismissive hand at him. "John, keep a lid on your crazy – we've got a real problem here."

"You don't have problems," John scoffed impassively. "Try being dead and then we can talk."

"Oh god," EJ groaned, "the dead card, I'm so sick of him playing the dead card." He gave John a stern look. "Being dead doesn't top every problem list."

Eric wrinkled his nose. "Actually, I think it might."

"Well, yes, alright," EJ grumbled, "but it has nothing to do with what we're dealing with now."

"Give wifey a chance to move that piano and it still might," said John knowingly.

Eric frowned. "Why is Sami mad at you?"

EJ sighed heavily. "There was a slight misunderstanding."

"He backed the wrong horse."

"Ignore him," EJ advised Eric.

"Do you know what happened here today?" Eric demanded to know.

"I'm not entirely sure of the details but I managed to glean the general gist of things," said EJ ruefully.

"Nicole is pissed."

EJ just stared at him, not really caring.

"You owe me these." Eric snatched the flowers out of EJ's hand. "Nicole is on def con five right now."

"Oh, and I'm wearing this because it brings the highlights out in my eyes?" asked EJ sarcastically as he pointed to his underwear on his head. He pulled the boxers off his head and threw them on the ground with the growing pile of the rest of his wardrobe.

"Your crazy wife started this," Eric insisted.

EJ arched an eyebrow at him.

"Alright," Eric grumbled, "it was probably mutual, but Sami went too far."

"Samantha only comes in the one flavour – over the top. You know this, she's your sister." EJ grabbed back the flowers. "And besides, yours is hardly a fading rose. I once saw Nicole knee a waiter in the groin when he spilt some gravy _near_ her new pair of shoes."

Eric narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Really?"

"If you don't believe me then why not ring the "Gilded Lily" and ask for yourself why we're all banned from there." EJ grimaced. "Of all the restaurants Samantha and I are banned from I think I miss that one the most." He shook his head and sighed. "Unbelievable lobster they had."

Eric looked vaguely horrified. "How many restaurants are you banned from exactly?"

"Four," EJ lamented, "which is coincidentally the exact same number I've attempted to take both Samantha and Nicole to at the same time. I gave up after the fourth one because I was afraid the only place left in town we'd be allowed into would be Chucky Cheez."

"Why were you taking Nicole and Sami out at the same time?"

"In my less jaded youthful exuberance I figured if I could just get them talking they'd realise they don't hate each other as much as they think they do."

"How did it go?"

"Did I mention the banning from four restaurants?"

Eric pulled a face. "Look, Nicole and I are at a delicate stage of our relationship. You and Sami are married, the deal is sealed." Eric grabbed the flowers. "My need is greater."

"Samantha is pregnant and hormonally challenged right now." EJ retrieved his flowers. "My need is definitely greater."

"Sami drew all over Nicole and let her humiliate herself in public," said Eric indignantly. He tore the flowers from EJ's hand. "You owe me!"

"Fine, take them," said EJ calmly. "I'm sure Nicole won't mind getting hand me down flowers, especially if they were originally intended for Samantha."

Eric glared at him, and then shoved the flowers back at him. "Bastard."

"It's every man for himself, buy your own bloody testicle saving flowers." EJ smoothed part of his bouquet back into order.

Eric eyed the enormous size of the bouquet. "Just how big are your cojones anyway if you need something that big?"

"Samantha is very upset," EJ said regretfully. "I would have gotten an even bigger bouquet but the next size up was the one you lay on a coffin."

"You should have taken it," John informed him. "Coffin flowers still might come in handy."

EJ didn't dignify that observation with a comment.

"John, did you see what happened?" asked Eric.

"Yes."

"Why didn't you stop it?" asked Eric in frustration.

John looked confused. "Why would I do that?"

"Ignore him," EJ advised him again.

Eric threw up his hands. "To avoid all this, of course."

"I'm enjoying all this, why would I want to avoid it?"

"Both of our women are mad at us, how is that enjoyable?"

John narrowed his eyes as he regarded Eric. "Do you really need to ask?"

"Schadenfreuden," said EJ in disgust.

"What?" asked Eric.

"A shameful glee in another person's misery," John translated.

Eric's eyes went wide. "I didn't know you spoke German, John."

"_Ich weiß nicht, warum fragst du_ (I don't, why would you think I do)?"

Eric glanced over at EJ. "Did he just deny knowing German?"

EJ sighed heavily. "Yes."

Eric looked back at John. "But you just spoke it, John. You must know it."

"Your logic is faulty," said John coolly. "I can say the word ballet, but I don't know how to do that either."

"But-but-"

"Why won't you just ignore him?" asked EJ in despair.

"I don't know," Eric groaned. "It's like having a hang nail and not being able to help yourself from chewing on it even though every fibre of your being is telling you to stop."

"Look, about Samantha and Nicole, here's what I propose." EJ took a deep breath. "You smooth it over with Nicole, as I will with Samantha. Then after we get through the New Years Eve party, which is only one day away I might add, we'll deal with trying to work out some kind of amnesty between our respective women."

Eric gave him a sceptical look. "Do you really think a truce is possible between Sami and Nicole?"

"I hope not," said John around another mouthful of popcorn.

EJ inclined his head. "A truce, or even some kind of _détente_ which would make all of our lives easier."

"A _détente_?" Eric pulled a face. "You're such a lawyer sometimes, man."

"It's a thawing of relationships," EJ supplied.

"I know what it is, but you could have just said a deal."

"Actually, the philosophy of _détente_ is much more sophisticated and difficult to grasp," said John casually. "One has to be broad-minded and tolerant enough to understand the possibility and the desirability of coexistence and cooperation between factions that are vastly different in their social systems, political institutions, values, sympathies and antipathies. One would have to realize that relations between them aren't a zero-sum in which one side wins exactly as much as the other side loses, and that despite all differences and difficulties they still might have overwhelming mutual interests."

Eric and EJ exchanged looks. EJ rolled his eyes. "And yet he's still waiting for the computer to spit out money when he withdrew money via internet banking."

John scowled. "That's right, I forgot about that. I'll have to go a put together a strongly worded letter to my bank about their system - seems like it's on the fritz."

"You're not wording a letter, strongly or otherwise without my supervision," said EJ firmly.

John pouted. "Party crapper."

"It's party pooper."

"Same thing."

"Who's not ignoring him now?" asked Eric smugly.

EJ pulled a face. "Granted, the man is engaging – damn it." He straightened up. "Going back to my original plan, do you agree? We'll handle Samantha and Nicole individually and work on a more long term plan in the new year."

"Something has to be done."

"I agree, but one thing at a time. I don't want to put any undue stress on Samantha right now."

"I don't want to either," said Eric in frustration, "but I also don't want Sami to use my girlfriend as an Etch a Sketch."

"I'll work on that, you just keep yours away from mine until after the party and then we can deal with it properly."

Eric nodded. "Works for me."

"Is that it?" John sounded very disappointed. "Can't one of you throw a punch for old time's sake?"

"Can it be at you?" asked EJ flatly.

"Come on, John, how about you and I go for a drive and give EJ and Sami some privacy?" Eric suggested.

John didn't move. "Shouldn't someone be here to call 911 just in case?"

"I'm not going to need 911."

"You're only saying that because you haven't seen what wifey did to the wedding pictures."

EJ pulled a face. "Really? That's a bit disappointing."

"Don't sweat it, wedding photographers keep the negatives for a good while," Eric reassured him.

John arched an eyebrow. "I was thinking more about the scissors she used. Wild cat is particularly pointy at the moment."

"Sami is probably not going to stab EJ with scissors," said Eric.

"Did you really need to put in that probably there?" asked EJ in exasperation.

"It's Sami – I wanted to hedge my bets."

EJ pursed his lips. "You said something about leaving and taking the peanut gallery with you?"

"It's popcorn."

"I'll give you the flowers if you can get my uncle out of here before he says another word."

"I take umbrage at that."

EJ gave him an unimpressed look. "I can live with that." The sound of glass breaking came from above them. "I really need to deal with this."

"Okay, we're out of here – keep the flowers, you may need some kind of shield."

"Cheers," said EJ unenthusiastically.

_And the day had started so peacefully..._


End file.
